I just got the invite for this year's company party. Linda sent it via Paperless Post. This isn't an advertisement because I hate that shit. What the fuck ever happened to good old paper? Is it not enough that we've got a damn solar panel where the helipad used to be? Fuck the environment, I plan on dying at 50.
So anyway, my boss and his wife Elaine will be there and I'm thinking this will be a good time to try and get with her because I know that I can. Just to bring you up to speed: I have solid circumstantial evidence he's cheating.
Why would I want to jump in the middle of things, you wonder? Well, to have sex with an attractive older woman, for one. It's not really my style but if a company party isn't the time for getting weird, then what is?
You guys know. Shit gets out of hand and everyone has a blank check for one night to cause property damage, the dissolution of marriage, or even the loss of a limb, without so much as a talking-to from HR.
I'm doing 100 Shake Weight pumps and popping a viagra one hour before this thing starts, and if I don't close the deal by the time someone knocks over the champagne fountain (about 10 o clock) then I will vote for Hillary Clinton in 2020 (go ahead and try to hold me to that, motherfuckers, this website will be a tiny insignificant division of Buzzfeed by then).
How much havoc have you guys wreaked under the guise of a company party?
By the way, I should add that this used to be a "Christmas Party," but that probably ended about the time I had my first taste of good scotch (age 12). Then it was a "Holiday Party" but people (like me) talked so much shit about PC culture and gave Linda such a hard time that this year, it's finally just a "Company Party," which suits me fine, since it's taking place in mid-November.
Tell me of your Mad Men-style hijinks. What happens at your workplace during this most glorious time of year?