Is Your Company Party As Awesome As I Am?

Fear The Bulge's picture
Rank: King Kong | 1,854

I just got the invite for this year's company party. Linda sent it via Paperless Post. This isn't an advertisement because I hate that shit. What the fuck ever happened to good old paper? Is it not enough that we've got a damn solar panel where the helipad used to be? Fuck the environment, I plan on dying at 50.

So anyway, my boss and his wife Elaine will be there and I'm thinking this will be a good time to try and get with her because I know that I can. Just to bring you up to speed: I have solid circumstantial evidence he's cheating.

Why would I want to jump in the middle of things, you wonder? Well, to have sex with an attractive older woman, for one. It's not really my style but if a company party isn't the time for getting weird, then what is?

You guys know. Shit gets out of hand and everyone has a blank check for one night to cause property damage, the dissolution of marriage, or even the loss of a limb, without so much as a talking-to from HR.

I'm doing 100 Shake Weight pumps and popping a viagra one hour before this thing starts, and if I don't close the deal by the time someone knocks over the champagne fountain (about 10 o clock) then I will vote for Hillary Clinton in 2020 (go ahead and try to hold me to that, motherfuckers, this website will be a tiny insignificant division of Buzzfeed by then).

How much havoc have you guys wreaked under the guise of a company party?

By the way, I should add that this used to be a "Christmas Party," but that probably ended about the time I had my first taste of good scotch (age 12). Then it was a "Holiday Party" but people (like me) talked so much shit about PC culture and gave Linda such a hard time that this year, it's finally just a "Company Party," which suits me fine, since it's taking place in mid-November.

Tell me of your Mad Men-style hijinks. What happens at your workplace during this most glorious time of year?

Comments (5)

Nov 7, 2016

last year my manager wanted to take a "quick nap" in his car to sober up before heading home ... he said he woke up three hours later to his wife banging on his car window . he's wayy TFTC

Best Response
Nov 7, 2016

Our VP decided to hire only fraternity alumni to the department. Lucilky, he managed to get us our own office space in a smaller building across the street to "make room" for expanding the current operations in the main bulding.

There's usually a keg or two in the breakroom. It was sanctioned as a secret project to "research" the effects of alcohol to see if our coders could reach ballmer's peak to increase productivity.

There's also a UPS guy who comes and picks up/drops off our mail who happens to moonlight as a drug dealer. He's very quick in the morning and makes sure to make multiple stops to deliver all of our packages as they come in. Real good guy.

The talent acquisition portion of a national strip club is next door.

Actually on a Friday after a game of Beer pong one of our top sales guys decided to launch a new "initiative" to try and connect with that company.

In the end, it was decided that the best way to make contact was to simply jump through the thin wall connecting our offices after an hour long meeting. Every monday morning the sales guys "analyze" the product before delivering it to the talent acquision department to make sure it is up to par.

Let's just say nowadays they are a big account...

Oh and all of the new pledges that move in, I mean "analysts", are put through a rigorous training program that keeps them working a good amount their first few years. Very good program.

Frat Life.

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Nov 7, 2016

yeah. this happened at our company's Christmas party two years ago. SB

Nov 10, 2016

"Fuck the environment, I plan on dying at 50."

slow clap

Dec 16, 2016