Lonely and Unhappy - NYC

Detox15's picture
Rank: Monkey | banana points 54

Hey guys,

A bit of a long post, but would appreciate any advice. For the last 5 months or so, I've been feeling extremely lonely and unhappy, specifically at the end of my summer internship and also going through a really bad breakup right after. I guess nothing really hit me until after the internship due to the long hours and a sense of purpose/structure around my life and being around people I genuinely liked, but then once that ended, the breakup hit me like nothing else.

I went through the grieving process of the breakup and found she got a new bf already. I've been moving on and doing better as time passes. During this time, I focused on FT recruiting and my last semester of classes. I pulled an offer so recruiting stopped occupying any of my time and classes didn't either due to only having to take a couple easy ones for graduation credits. However, during this time I felt like I was just rotting away in my apartment, just waiting for the weekend where I'd go out and get hammered at a club.

I don't mind going out on the weekends too much since I enjoy that, but I absolutely hate the fact that I've just been lying in bed all day and I'm greatly unhappy doing so for the rest 5-6 days of the week. I really need to figure out what to do espcailly because now I don't even have classes anymore and have 5 months to kill before work starts.

The strange thing is that I never felt this unhappy when I was in a relationship despite feeling bored at times. I'm spending part of my free time traveling but I'm still paying rent for my apartment in NYC and feel that's where I need to be in order to find a gf. As of now, I'd just like some possible advice/suggestions on what I could be doing to fill my time or give me a least some sense of purpose/structure. I don't want to take another internship as thats not gonna do much good for me. Thanks.

Comments (53)

Best Response
Jan 15, 2017

You're about to get flooded with a bunch of bullshit to fly to Peru...

What you need is to get into a routine. I'm talking regular every day shit, from getting up, when do you prepare your meals etc. do you work out? Up to you, but getting the basic shit into a routine is important.

Next, reach out to some of your friends, see what they've got going on that isn't about getting plastered. You'll have friends doing shit from university theatre, sports games, or just whatever you don't normally do and wouldn't normally have the motivation or desire to do. Go anyways, meet people, socialize and get some good food. You'll be surprised at what you'll get invited to and people you can meet. If you have something you've been putting off that you want to do (basketball with friends for example) or cleaning your closet, do it.

What I basically see is someone probably in a bit of a spiral of their own making and it takes an active approach to get out of it. At least in my opinion...If you think you're dealing with depression or something like that, talking to someone like a counselor which I'm sure is provided for via your schools insurance is definitely a good way to go. I'll talk to a pro to help me manage stress...because I don't want to dump that on anyone else or constantly weigh them down. It's freeing, so if that's you, I'd say be active and get the help you need.

My thoughts man, we all get off track at some point.

Jan 15, 2017

Typing on my phone....

Jan 15, 2017
ArcherVice:

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p>What you need is to get into a routine. I'm talking regular every day shit, from getting up, when do you prepare your meals etc. do you work out? Up to you, but getting the basic shit into a routine is important.

This is absolute key. And tbh the best thing you can do, if you're aren't already a regular, is to hit the gym and train. This isn't about getting swole, but about getting your brain chemistry aligned with getting yourself out of that hole you're in.

Can't stress the routine enough, though. Occupy your mind.

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Jan 16, 2017

You're getting pretty good advice from him.

Other thing I'd add is that having a good relationship definitely makes a huge difference. You need to have SOME kind of a support network. Find one or use whatever one you have.

Jan 24, 2017

Wise words, been there and agree 100%

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Jan 15, 2017

"life is like a bicycle, to maintain balance you must keep moving"

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Jan 15, 2017

Get a therapist. Not being sarcastic, it's what smart adults do when they run into issues like this.

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Jan 15, 2017

Hey man, sorry to hear about your current situation.

It's never fun to face a bad breakup (or any bad situation for that matter), but the key is to keep on moving, as a number of members here have referenced. Your thoughts are actively shaping your life around you, so stay positive. Think about all of the things you have going for you currently.

Positives:

  1. You're one step closer to meeting a chick that blows you away
  2. You have a full time offer (great given how tough it is to find work for many people nowadays)
  3. You have a ton of time left before you start work that you can utilize for your discretion

Life's way too short to be bummed out. Pick up a few hobbies that you know you'll be able to keep at even when you start working (for me it's writing, lifting, and Muay Thai). Occupy both yourself and your mind. Have you tried meditation? I highly recommend you youtube "BuddhistSocietyWA", as I've personally found some of the lectures pretty insightful.

Ultimately, grieving and consistently thinking about an ex is not doing anything positive for you, as she's already made her decision. You're essentially torturing yourself by thinking about her, so stop. Been there, done that, don't miss it. Invest time in yourself, make healthy decisions, and be productive to set yourself up for success. Focus on you, and be selfish about it. The right people always have a way of coming into your life when you're focused on you. As for your purpose? Think back to how hard you had to work to get here and how much you have to accomplish moving forward.

Keep your head up, stay grateful, and remember that bad situations and feelings never last.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like- happy to talk.

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Jan 15, 2017

Your thread title looks like something you would find on a Craigslist ad.

You're way too young to be so depressed. You're blessed. Go meet interesting women and try to get to know them. Be respectful and treat them like ladies, you never know, the next one could be your soul mate. Don't settle.

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Jan 16, 2017

No one's too young to be depressed. Some major psychiatric disorders start in people's 20's.

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Jan 16, 2017

While I agree with you and depression runs in my family. I Don't think he meant depressed in the medical sense of the word. Rather- an encouragement to go enjoy himself.

Jan 19, 2017

Right.

Jan 16, 2017

Got beat to it.

Life happens, and it's not worth looking back at events that has passed. You gotta focus and look at the road ahead. The routine thing is a good start, and it is something I did that has helped me tremendously.

Get at it, and CRUSH IT!

Oh, get a Curious George icon too!

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Jan 16, 2017

Maybe try switching things on occasion during the weekends and make plans for the day time. Like visit a museum, park, whatever (you can even do this in an afternoon when you don't have class). Or better, get out of the city. Not in a "travel southeast asia and find your soul" kind of way, but just a day trip as a reminder that there's other shit outside of the bubble. It's not always easy especially if you can't rent a car, but there are public transportation options to some cool places and buses that go to state parks and stuff on weekends. If you don't have friends who would do this, I'm sure there are some meet-up groups you could try, there's no shame in that. A lot of girls would also give you extra points for suggesting these types of things as second or third dates.

Planning this kind of stuff ahead of time will also help you avoid hitting the bottle too hard every night on weekends, it sounds like this might be a good time to be mindful of alcohol which can exacerbate these kinds of problems.

Jan 16, 2017

I'm a serial monogamist and always found that breaking up with a girlfriend can be very painful and lead existential crisis.

However, it's also a great opportunity for self-improvement (genuine self-improvement, not "read a self help book" shit). From a health, career, self-esteem and personal development perspective, you'll find that embracing self-improvement makes you feel a hell of a lot better.

Like others here, I strongly suggest you get involved in some self-improving activities things with structure. In particular, structure that will apply discipline when you may be a little tempted to lie in bed. Given you have 5 months, I strongly recommend you use the time to enroll in a coding course, such as via https://generalassemb.ly or https://devbootcamp.com. If you don't have the cash, do a free version via coursera or similar. Even if you don't need to know how to code for your work, this sort of skill will at least expand your mind, if not give you skills that could turn out to be useful in the workplace or give you career options.

Going to the gym is also good. Ideally, get into something that gives you external benchmarks so you can see your improvement. Plain body improvement is good, but I suggest you look for something that gives you technique (more benchmarkable). In my case, I'd go for boxing or some other martial art. However, there are others eg parkour, Latin dancing. These will give you not only fitness, but also stuff that makes you more interesting both to yourself and to other people (eg the ladies). Make sure you choose something for yourself ie something that stirs a passion in you, rather than "I think other people will think this is cool".

Through those two activities, you'll be expending most of the energy and time in your day productively, while building your personality, your self-esteem, your skills and your longer term career options.

The fitness activity will likely also curb your drinking, as you'll pretty quickly find that heavy drinking means shitty exercise the next day, leaving you going backwards rather than forwards.

Your story will also look a lot more attractive to ladies than wasting 5 months wallowing in despair.

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Jan 16, 2017

There are roughly 10 million people in NYC, if you can't meet anyone there. Well I hate to break it to you, you aren't going to meet people anywhere.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

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Jan 16, 2017

So let me get this straight: You are done with classes. You have a job locked down. You have 5 months of vacation before work begins. You have an apartment in the largest city in the country. You clearly have some financial backing to afford rent without working.

You are arguably better off than 95% of the world.

You're an asshole.

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Jan 16, 2017

If anyone goes to university and spends their time working at Subway or whatever in lieu of focusing on internships, their grades and full time recruiting they are either misguided or desperate for the money. Those internships pay well too.

Jan 16, 2017

Man, people like you are the fucking worst.

Everyone has their own battles. Just because things appear to be going well doesn't mean you're always going to feel well.

You've added nothing to this conversation aside from trying to twist the knife. Congratulations.

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Jan 17, 2017

I am the "fucking worst"? I am trying to help this guy. I take more of the "count your blessings" approach, not the "come here and let me coddle you, it'll be ok we all have battles" approach.

OP has an apartment in the largest and most dynamic city in the US, has been apparently doing a lot of traveling, job locked down, no obligations for next 5 months, etc. etc. Many people would kill for that. Literally KILL. Bad breakup? Sorry, it sucks. Happens to all of us. Nothing any of us can say on an online finance forum will fix that. What helped me in a similar situation was to look at where I was in life, recognize that "I'm doing alright", and get out there and pound some strange.

So, OP, let me reiterate my message: We can all hold hands and share how much our breakups sucked on another day. Today, you start by getting off the computer, lose the jack rags, take a run around the neighorbood. Go have a cigar, or a beer, or both, reflect what is important to you, where you are in life and appreciate how far you have come. Focus on what you have in life (family, friends, etc.) not what is missing. That is the only way to truly feel better.

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Jan 16, 2017

I was in a bit of a similar situation after my summer IB internship ended and only taking one class this semester to graduate so I can relate.

I'd say if there have ever been things you've wanted to do or pick up, now's the time to learn. If you like music, pick up an instrument (not that hard to learn piano on your own). If you like the outdoors, get out for a whole day to hunt or fish (turkey season is around the corner). Would also be a great time to play golf 3-4 times a week and bring your score into the 80s. You'll never have this much freedom again for a long time, so best put it to use.

Sometimes I wish I could just start working, but I know once that happens I'd kill to have a day off in the middle of the week to golf, fish, or hunt, so I'm trying to make the most of my current opportunity.

Jan 16, 2017

Breakups are really difficult...until you find someone new

Same with marriage

Jan 16, 2017

Man - I went through a very similar process senior year of college with a 5 year gf. Just know that it will get easier and you will get over it.

My recommendation, beyond what has already been said, is to look into joining a handful of professional organizations. Both industry related and general. It's a great way to meet motivated people and expand your networking skills. There are also usually a decent amount of single women, who probably have decent jobs.

A few off the top of my head: Young Professional Organizations (typically 1-2 in every city), Networking at Night, Association for Corporate Growth, Toastmasters International, Venture Capital associations, CFA society, etc.

Students usually get discounted/free membership and it's an easy way to waste a couple days a week doing something productive. Best of luck man.

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Jan 16, 2017

Seriously though go check out Peru. I hiked the Inca trail for 4 days/ 3 nights to climb and see machu picchu with some buds, and I don't even like hiking. Met and partied with some Brits and Norwegians while hiking and at the hostel.

This was back in 2014 I think just after Trump announced, and that was all the Brits and Norwegians wanted to talk about with us lol. They were pro-Hillary

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Jan 16, 2017

Went through something like that myself a couple of years ago.
The important thing is to distract yourself--and I don't mean that by going to the club/drinking etc.
Hey to each his own--I'm not into that stuff but if you do that then cool--just make sure that's not the only thing you do, because it'll either get old on you oradictive.
From personal experience, I can tell you hitting the gym is a good idea--takes your mind off stuff and really reenergizes you.
Key thing is don't let yourself think about it or stay paralyzed--because the longer you do the harder it'll be to get out of that and back tonormal.

Jan 16, 2017

Get in touch with @imissmanhattanrealestate and see if you can bring her to your NYC apartment...

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

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Jan 16, 2017

I normally make fun of people like you and say to man up, but your post surprisingly touched me and I could see myself in your situation. So I genuinely wish you the best.

My suggestion and I think it's the best one is to focus your entire time and life on self improvement. You're already about to graduate and have a job so that front is taken care of. Why don't you focus on getting into the best shape of your life. Everyday after a workout when you look at your body you will keep feeling better and better. Work and progress is truly a human's best medicine. The endorphins that are release into your body after a workout really make you feel better. Go out, get laid, workout, and take care of yourself. You sound like you have the best days ahead of you. Cheer up my man.

    • 1
Jan 16, 2017

Can understand feeling of moving to a new town and feeling out of place...like what do I do with myself when I'm not working.

As others have mentioned this but I highly recommend getting into a workout and nutrition program. I promise this will do wonders for you. Get a gym membership and start reading online about healthy eating. Make some personal fitness goals pursue them relentlessly. This will make more confident, help you kill some extra time, and I've yet to meet a chick that doesn't love six pack abs!

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Jan 20, 2017

Whoa! what was the monkey poo for?

Jan 16, 2017

Go to the gym, travel abroad, read a lot (there's a good reading list on the site somewhere), get out onto the active dating scene, go to nightclubs, get some VS tail, learn cooking, learn coding, cold email random bigshots such as myself, the opportunities with your time are endless.....!!!

Just dont waste it away playing computer games

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

Jan 22, 2017

So about this whole email thing, mind if I can have yours?

Jan 23, 2017

n00b. Mine's easy.

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

Jan 23, 2017

Yeah, easy if you told me it.

Jan 23, 2017

Use the companies database for Qatalyst email formats n00b

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

Jan 16, 2017

I can relate but this struck me:

'That's where I need to be in order to find a gf.'

At your age, you definitely don't need to have a gf, don't feel tied to NYC because of that. Why tie yourself down now just as you start out your career/prime of your life, there is plenty more to life than having a gf (but also more to it than going out and getting wasted every weekend).

Being newly single makes you realise how much free time you now have (or how much time was invested in the relationship), and is the perfect chance to pick up new hobbies or do something fresh. My choice is to learn a language, catch up with old friends that I neglected a bit, volunteer for a charity I've always wanted to and keep fit/hit the gym a bit harder.

Jan 16, 2017

And it's false.

Location is much less of a help than people think it is, extreme situations excepted such as getting away from engineering school.

Jan 17, 2017

Especially when you're talking about NYC, where all you're gonna get are dumb bimbos and libtard skanks.

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

Jan 17, 2017

You still got a huge area, and can use online methods to sweep outside the city itself.

Jan 16, 2017

Have you tried Cocaine or Meth? I guarantee the time will fly by.

Stop Whining. You have 5 months of what is essentially vacation before work. I guarantee you, you will never have that much free time again on your hands god willing. Some girl broke your heart? So what. You are young you should not have a girlfriend.

Lift weights, do BJJ or Muay Thai see your friends go out and have fun it is that simple. Or just find a hobby ANY hobby.

Jan 16, 2017

Join Ivy.

Jan 16, 2017

You don't need a gf, thats bullshit. Work on improving yourself. Get fit, learn a new skill, take a course online, try new things. Find something that you are passionate about to help drive you out of this rut. Shit even if it is going to Starbucks for a few hours a day to read/surf the internet after you workout. The key ia getting out of the apartment. An idle mind and body is a recipe for disaster, and as you spend more time woth yourself, self-esteem will improve over time.

Think about studying for the CFA in June. You have five months of doing nothing and desperately need something to occupy your time.

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Jan 16, 2017

Hey man, sorry to hear that you're going through a challenging time. I can relate because something similar happened to me very recently, and our circumstances might not be exact the same but I completely understand what you're going through at the moment. Like others have suggested, getting into a routine is very important. The posts above have said what I had on my mind in terms of giving you advice on how to get through this. However, if I can provide some additional comfort for you is that you're not alone. Many are going through this experience right now (including me). Hope you'll feel better and knowing there are great things ahead in the future you should look forward to.

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Jan 17, 2017

Like some others have said; You do not need a gf. A lot of people seem to hop from relationship to relationship because that is all they know, and because they don't want to face who they are and be happy by their selves. Try to figure this out: what do you enjoy, what your interests are etc., before jumping into a new relationship. After a while people seem to define themselves as just a guy who always has a gf, and that really is not the way to go.

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Jan 17, 2017

Hey Detox15,

I feel you man. I've been going through off-cycle internship recruiting and a very difficult breakup, which by the way isn't consumed yet.

I've been living with someone that gives me non-stop hell for a few months now and trying to keep my head above the water in addition to every other problem that I had to face during recruiting.

Now this gonna sound cheesy af but whatever : every single morning I wake up telling me I have no other choice but to slay as much as I can and get things done. For me it's still picking up the phone and typing cold-emails, prepping as hard as I can for interviews.

You are lucky enough to have secured an FT offer and to be able to focus 100% on your recovery. Don't waste that chance and find yourself a purpose. It starts with the smallest and dumbest tasks and bigger pursuits will follow. Hang in there buddy.

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Jan 17, 2017

If I were you I'd go to Costa Rica for like 10 days. Usually fixes all problems.

Jan 19, 2017

"Its ok to not be ok", but its not ok to not do anything about it. Please get help. See a therapist, talk to someone. You need to learn how to love and care for yourself, first and foremost. If you can't love yourself, how can you possibly expect to love someone else?

And while it's great to do things that'll keep your mind preoccupied, you need to face your demons eventually. Avoidance leads to repression which leads to destruction.

Jan 19, 2017

I saw a shrink for a year. I needed meds to get through a bad patch. Therapy is completely ineffective for me. It may work for some people, but I guess during the beginning, middle and end of therapy I thought it was bullshit.

Try and find things to do that are fun. If you literally cannot function, see a shrink and get meds because at that point your brain is literally malfunctioning. However, get off them as soon as you can because there are other health effects from that shit.

Jan 23, 2017

I have been going through the same thing since October. I know, it really sucks. I started training for a marathon. I would recommend doing that or having some sort of workout plan. Exercise releases endorphins in your brain which helps if you are feeling depressed. Over break my sister and I found a bunch of cheap flights and planned out random trips throughout the semester. Last weekend I went to Seattle for the first time. Instead of sleeping all week I was looking up attractions and restaurants. Also, maybe get a pet, one that requires a lot of attention. Hope you feel better!

Jan 23, 2017

My ex lives in Seattle, and wants me to go visit her.

How is it over there?

Jan 23, 2017

It was really nice, you should go! The only thing I didn't like was that it was super cold. Maybe go around spring when the weather is a little better.

Jan 23, 2017
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Jan 24, 2017
Jan 24, 2017