My boss ruined my relationship - what to do (long post)
deleting to protect my identity
deleting to protect my identity
deleting to protect my identity
Apr 04, 2022
Total Avg Compensation
April 2024 Investment Banking
-
Director/MD (5) $648
-
Vice President (19) $385
-
Associates (87) $260
-
3rd+ Year Analyst (14) $181
-
Intern/Summer Associate (33) $170
-
2nd Year Analyst (66) $168
-
1st Year Analyst (205) $159
-
Intern/Summer Analyst (146) $101
Career Resources
Leaderboard
| 1 |  |
99.2 |
| 2 | |
99.0 |
| 3 | |
99.0 |
| 4 |  |
99.0 |
| 5 |  |
98.9 |
| 6 | |
98.9 |
| 7 | |
98.9 |
| 8 | |
98.9 |
| 9 |  |
98.8 |
| 10 | |
98.8 |
That's why you don't smash the girl your MD is smashing
MD is smashing everybody
That sucks man, I wish I had advice for you. If it were me, I don’t see any path forward other than lateraling. If you lose the respect of your coworkers/seniors it’s a lot more difficult to win that back than just lateraling. Just my personal opinion.
Let this post be a warning to others who consider workplace relationships (like the Associate into his Analyst post a little while back). And if you do jump into a workplace relationship, for the love of god tell no one.
Oh yeah, the associate post a while back was weird. Y'all have scared me out of ever looking at anyone at my firm
Is there a link for this?
Never trust anyone
Convince your boss to short GME and bounce?
Sometimes I ask myself why don't people just lie? I think that in the workplace I must tell about 100 lies every day. If my boss asked if I had a crush I would say no one. If my boss asked if I've fucked a co-worker I'd say never. If my boss asked anything I'd just say the answer with the highest probability of satisfying him without raising any additional questions. When people ask me what kind of music I listen to I never say that I like this obscure japanese singer no one knows about, I just say I listen to whatever modern artist is socially and profesionally acceptable to listen. Just lie about everything.
Seriously, just lie. Lying literally costs nothing. Sometimes I wonder why people don't lie more. I always lie for my advantage in every single social scenario. How are you going to answer truthfully to those questions? Giving true information to your enemies is always detrimental to you. And yes, everyone in the workplace is your enemy and that is a lesson you just learned at great personal expense. So as long as the question can't be background checked (what is he going to do? stalk you to see if you are seeing a girl?) you always just lie. Just keep lying and eventually you'll make VP.
Now, let me tell you what actually happened so you never make this mistake again. First, your boss actually fucking hates you and wants to get rid of you. Why only you know. The only reason he invited you out for drinks was to get you drunk and then make you talk to see if you had any exploitable weakness. I'm sure he asked a bunch of rapid-fire questions because due to his seniority he has a lot of experience killing careers. The classic question is 'are you into any of the girls at work'. You fell for the bait and gave him ammunition. Next day he spreads the rumor so that now you are under the gun and to make you voluntarily leave. But he only told what you said. How did the rumor get spread? Well, everyone else at work also hates you. Not because of you, but because you are in corporate america. If a person makes more than 6 figures, statistically they are bound to be a psychopath. So your own co-workers heard the rumor and calculated that it would be beneficial for them to spread it. After all, they compete with you for bonuses, raises and promotions. If they get rid of you who knows, maybe your comp can get repackaged as a higher bonus for everyone else. So they maliciously spread it. Then it reached other teams and even the girl' team. There is a 100% probability that there is at least some other buffoon in her team who likes her so now it is in his best interest to destroy your reputation and get her to dislike you. And then it just keeps spreading. Most people have an interest in destroying you and most people will take any chance you give them.
Always remember that. Never disclose any of your weaknesses.
Not saying your view of the world is inaccurate, but you can't get very far in life without genuinely strong relationships and networks of people. Sure - you could effectively "live your lies" so no one has the slightest hint that you're intentionally being dishonest, but lying damages trust (and by extension relationships). Genuine friendships seem to get exponentially stronger with time, but your chances of being identified as a liar increase with time (probably exponentially as well).
Do I think that OP should have honestly answered his boss over drinks? Hell no. He (and you) know how high the stakes are. Not sure why you trusted a coworker that much, but call it a lesson learned. He got you drunk, asked a personal question, and spread a rumor.
To OP - that's a rough story. You should definitely lateral to greener pastures.
I agree that having friends and a network is very important however even the best of friends can become the worst of enemies when hurting you works in their advantage. This is why I practice and advocate that even to these close work friends you should never disclose the shadier sides of your personal preferences. One such preference - fucking co-workers - is one big one you need to take to the grave. Similarly, I would never tell co-workers if I, for example, had ever cheated on a partner. Or if I’ve ever been almost caught for a crime. Etc. Anything that could be used against me I take to the grave.
that's why he said "you'll make a VP". to make an MD, you'll need actual relationships based on trust.
pretty fucking based
If his boss was insane enough to hatch out and execute a plan to get him drunk so he'd reveal a secret, why wouldn't his boss just make something up?
This is not a bad question but here I’d say that it is really hard to lie in the offense. It is easy to lie defensively (hide certain aspects of your life) but really tough to lie in the offense. Could you just make up something about a co-worker and spread it? It is really hard.
But if your co-worker comes to you and tells you that they once had sex with their sister then now it isn’t a lie and you can sell it very well because you aren’t even lying.
This guy fucks.
Best advice on here by far. I am sure the dudes with my “analyst class is my best friends stuff”. To the poster point if anyone you see wouldn't sacrifice their bonus to keep you they ain't your friend. You can make some of the best friends and enemies in the workplace.
I agree with you that coworkers can be your enemies, but disagree with lying about everything. It’s only a matter of time before someone catches you on a date or at your favorite restaurant, etc. and if you lie things will go worse for you. Of course, there’s no reason to tell them the truth either. Stick to the middle ground and refuse to answer the question. Refusing a certain question can make the other party think it’s the societally worse answer and you don’t want to admit it, so refuse to answer any and all questions that cross a line into your personal life. On that same note, never be too social at a company social and always treat it at work. There are so many stories of interns or analysts who end up in a tough situation or even fired for drinking too much. Don’t reveal secrets and don’t drink too much at “socials”.
lying about not listening to akiko yano might be a step to far but yeah hard agree on this. Always maintain the corporate veil, u can let it slip once in a while at like an informal analyst/associate event or something but only over some dumb shit and never anything that could implicate you in a very real way. Undersharing when possible seems to have worked for me in terms of fitting in.
and in terms of forging real friendships i guess wait until you're more senior lol or only share with others who are equally reclusive. You can afford to be stealthy for a few years as an associate.
Probably this. Guessing that she's attractive and her entire team is jealous af of you.
Don't know what to say about your career reputation but I don't think it was gonna last anyway with the girl. Have not seen relationships where you are friend-zoned for years and then break out of friend zone work in the long run.
If this girl was truly crazy about you, she would have been the one dispelling the rumors but she didn't. Sorry about the situation bro. It sucks. Your boss was a complete ass in this situation but it doesn't sound like she was much better. She had the power to be an adult and make this all go away but didn't.
Facts what's wrong with the girl at least not defending him?! Op dodged a bullet. However, as a man he's gotta clear his name. Idc how much it might hurt him but bring a hole that started the rumors and make him admit the truth. Or sue it's ridiculous what these boomers think they can do.
This is a tough one.
I'm not sure if this is more likely to come from Standard Chartered, Macquarie or HSBC but I'm certain this sounds like it's one of the three
manz says he's in Central Asia. Maybe in one of their Indian offices?
india does not have analyst programmes
No idea why it says Asia, I try to remove it but WSO keeps adding it back in. I'm based in the US.
Sue for defamation, if your time is done there might as well make a big scene at the firm clearing your name.
Lol you made so many mistakes it's hard to feel bad for you here bro. Namely:
- thinking boss is ur friend (never are they your friend, at the absolute best they are friendly)
- getting drunk with ur boss (getting drunk in ANY work environment)
- shat where you ate
I mean really bro, and the whole "everyone does it" is a giga cope for bad decision making
do better, many such cases!
sounds like ur boss is one of those "it's just a prank bro" types. He must think "haha cockblocked the associate, he'll get over it."
A wise man once said, "Don't shit where you eat bro." You guys are living dangerous sleeping with your co-workers, especially in this #metoo age. Too many women out there for that.
But the more dangerous, the more satisfying?
Hear me out, what if the rumors are true and this lad is actually a stalker and he's just making this post on WSO with his fake side of the story in the hopes that someone at his bank recognizes him and spreads a new rumor around the bullpen?
ur a cynic lol
shitting where you eat is ehhhh fine ish (been there done that) but for the love of god DO NOT TELL A FUCKING SOUL - not a batchmate, not an analyst friend, but especially especially especially not the person you work for
'fraid you dropped the ball there amigo. is cool we live n we learn
While it was shitty for your boss to gossip, your boss didn't ruin anything, you did. Have some personal accountability. It's pretty easy to politely tell someone that your dating life is personal and none of their business.
Personally, I see the women at work as off limits. I do pretty well for myself in the dating market without dipping my pen in company ink. The old me would be all over some clam that was into me regardless if coworkers or not.
With some self improvement you won't need to rely on getting laid at work. Lucky for you, you can take the L and get a new job and hopefully a new clam in this hyped up employee and dating market
Another thing to note. Your boss didn't really ruin your relationship, I don't think you really had one to begin with if the girl is really willing to bail on you for something so dumb. Furthermore, if people are using this to gossip and pick on you, you probably weren't very well liked to begin with and they are using this as a scapegoat to sh*t on you
Life lesson: never talk about your sex life. Especially if it’s not to close friends. You easily could’ve lied to your boss.
Sounds too detailed not to be a troll post
Kind of a bit surprised on all the people blaming OP for liking a girl at work. Yes, it’s a bit taboo but they are in different groups and had been keeping a professional demeanor at work. It’s not like she’s his direct report which goes into serious conflict of interest issues. Statistically speaking 20-30% of couples still meet at work.
Thanks, you're one of the only ones to be understanding rather than just resort to blaming me for everything that's happened. Most people here just blaming me sums up the typical banker mindset on this forum lol.
Exactly, I feel it's very common. We're not in the same team and it's a big bank so we rarely see each other in the office plus have always kept it professional whilst at work. In fact it was going perfectly between us before this and I genuinely saw a future with this girl until my senior betrayed me and started a huge event of rumours which led to everyone telling her I'm a weird creep that she should stay away from, which would be enough to scare every girl off in an early relationship regardless of how much they liked you.
The issue wasn't us dating, the issue was my boss betraying me and starting rumours then everyone manipulating the rumours and spreading such horrible lies about me, but yes it was my fault for thinking I could trust a senior, lesson learned but painful because I genuinely liked this girl.
Is she hot and has at least a decent personality? That alone would be enough for many to be jealous of you, and honestly I think your boss was too.
Honestly, man I myself am still struggling to get used to the fact that this industry has a relatively high percent of sociopaths. People who can offshore hundreds of jobs (and destroy communities) and simply refer to it as “efficiency in gross margin” or “synergy” and move on with life with 0 regret. People who squeeze out every last basis point in no matter how many regular workers lose their job or have poorer conditions. It’s not just one or two people its standard jargon in the industry and is the norm. If they can do that then they can easily slander a junior to prevent the hot chick from liking him and marginally improve their odds of winning the girl over. There’s plenty of ways to make money in finance/business without resorting to those means but I can’t deny that you’d make less money (although still a good bit) if you try weigh the societal consequences. Once you realize that you will become a lot more skeptical and cynical of people and will use caution going forward (although I’m sure you won’t even forget what happened to you presently).
Stop dating coworkers
Stop dating girls who friend zone you
Stop opening your mouth to scumbag bosses and coworkers
-You have now learned the above; the hard way. Use it as a tool to move forward
genuine question: would it be considered shitting where you eat if you start dating a chick in a completely different division? for example ur OP and u start banging the girl in risk
Also related to this- is it really so bad if people know you're dating someone at work? Obviously OPs boss is an asshole/ OPs relationship wasn't solid, but what's the worst that can happen if it isn't against policy
I hope not, I'm trying to bang one of my accountants.
Pistols at sunset.
Take revenge. Cross the line and get it back in blood. Who knows where that relationship could've led had your asshole boss not acted like a complete baboon. Be methodical, be patient, be meticulous, and make him pay.
I would actually show her this post to present your side.
As for the actual job, if you’re serious and people really are shunning you, it’s kind of unsalvageable and you’re probably going to have to move on. People will either actually think you’re a creep, or just avoid you to stay out of drama.
Finally, what a good tale for people out there to learn than no matter how much you think otherwise, it rarely ends well mixing real friend conversations with co-workers. And trust me, you’re not the one in a million guy who becomes best friends with his boss.
Why is it so hard for people to comprehend the phrase "don't shit where you eat"? Not going to lie, seems like you're going to have to try and lateral somewhere else. If this were just people poking fun at you having a crush that's one thing but if they're now spreading a rumor about sexual harassment you're a huge target for HR. Hope you learned your lesson about opening up to people in this business.
Rule #1: Don’t fish off the company dock.
You learned your lesson.
1) it's funny to see how successful adults, who allegedly run the world, behave like 4th-graders, a-la "haha Tom has a crush on Julie, haha"
2) just own it. if somebody says "how's your healthcare analyst", just answer "not bad, just had a lot of fun over this weekend".
p.s. I didn't read your whole post.
You must have missed the part when people are accusing him of sexual harassment which puts a target on his back with HR. It wasn’t playful banter that he was dealing with.
Your first comment is entirely true. Again why you should keep work and dating separate unless you are 100% ok being the talk of the office and happy hours. It becomes apparent very quickly that most people you work with have absolutely nothing going on in their lives and love to gossip like school children. People generally dont mature, it's just their situations punish them more for immaturity. At work events with alcohol, or things like MBA / Law programs, you will quickly see how fast well behaved adults devolve into teenagers.
Again - it's pathetic.
Does your boss have a wife or daughter...?
Think of the blame coming from the OP - “my boss ruined.” Blame the boss for this when:
1. You shouldn’t have fished off the company dock in the first place.
2. You told your boss.
You self sabotaged twice and yet cast blame on your boss. You could have done something different like vibing with your coworker and then hooking up with her **friends** not her. You really blew it on this one.
How was the sex?
I worked with this one girl I thought was cute for a couple months, but off limits right because we worked at the same company. She knew it and I knew it - but there was still sexual tension.
Then one month we did terribly in profit and they cut people across the board - she was laid off. I wasn’t laid off, but was reassigned to a place I didn’t want to be so had to negotiate. She was packing her shit and leaving and said “hurry up and quit so we can have some drinks.” I told her I was taking CFO or resigning.
The company was a mess financially - to take CFO would be a lot of work cleaning up the company’s financials. So I’m about 10min from talking to the COO and this girl texts me again: “are you finished yet - come drink.”
Then I met with the COO and we were talking about career options and told him I was only staying if they gave me CFO. The current CFO had been there for a while and wasn’t ready to leave. Corporate politics. It wasn’t my time but I was happy to avoid fixing the messy financials.
So I texted her: “I’m out.” She replies in like 3.2 seconds “yayyy come drink.” We got completely hammered and it was a great night. Epic smash session. We weren’t coworkers anymore. Then it continued on and was like a fling and she wanted to be in a relationship, but she wasn’t dating material for me.
Ut nobis quasi autem a eum et. Omnis quasi quaerat qui delectus quam nesciunt. Molestiae voluptate et quos ea voluptatem consectetur magnam.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Libero consequatur ut velit adipisci eos a ut. Et occaecati enim tempore ut debitis. Quasi ad laudantium eius ab et in et. Quaerat aperiam et porro accusantium rem odit.
Blanditiis itaque quia neque alias inventore molestias et. Qui in laborum vitae adipisci aut. Est vitae illum eius voluptatibus. Rerum quisquam et sit voluptas ab accusamus.
Earum architecto non laudantium eum omnis dolorem. Magnam quam minus et nihil voluptatem et amet.
Sapiente atque omnis beatae. Omnis officia nulla qui repudiandae. Delectus non esse vel similique error. Eveniet sint voluptas sunt maiores aliquid quis. Eum minima voluptatum illo repudiandae itaque pariatur. Voluptatem sit explicabo velit. Repellendus distinctio voluptate non molestias id est non.
Vel placeat cumque vitae autem animi. Doloremque in tempora tenetur corporis numquam. Itaque modi sed eos culpa voluptatem qui perspiciatis reprehenderit.
Rerum sint molestiae nobis ratione sit veniam. Reiciendis ut accusamus sunt molestiae. Laudantium ea sed rem harum et recusandae in. Aut expedita qui eveniet laborum quia nesciunt nam. At eligendi unde aliquid modi.