Not paying for dates in a LT relationship

I started a long term relationship with a girl studying for her masters a few months ago, and was wondering how you guys would handle this. Namely, she almost never pays for anything and seems to be expecting me to pay for everything (i.e. when we get dinner she doesn't try to offer to pay). Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy paying for majority of things especially when going out for a nice dinner at a more high-end restaurant given I make a 6-figure salary and she still depends on her parents to support her while she finishes university. However, I am bothered by the fact that she very rarely offers to pay for small things, for example a pint at a bar or a cheap eat. She did get a round of beers once or twice, but we went on dozens of dates (usually at my invitation). She doesn't even thank me after paying for dinner or drinks. Not sure if it matters, but she is Spanish and perhaps the culture there is different?

Before you start, breaking up is not an option. I have an amazing time with this girl and other than this, I would candidly say she has no faults. How would you approach this? Should I talk to her about this? Should I wait until she finishes her master's and gets a job to see if anything would change?

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Comments (29)

Jan 12, 2022 - 10:25am

It sounds like you could wrap this up in to one bigger conversation about the Money in general.  If you are truly dating to see if this person is the one then I would have a conversation about what finances look like in the future and then maybe sprinkle in some small things today that she can do to help show that she is contributing financially.  

Jan 12, 2022 - 10:48am

Thought it was covered indirectly by the line stating her parents support her. She does not do a 9-5, she's a full time student. This is the main reason I have not brought it up yet and was kind of leaning towards waiting until she gets a job. Agree the conversation needs to happen, though no clue how to start / bring it up without sounding accusatory (i.e. why do you never offer to pay anything?)

Jan 12, 2022 - 11:04am

why do you never offer to pay anything?

Literally just ask her this. Crafting every sentence so as not to offend her isn't healthy or sustainable long term. Think about it. You may marry and  live with this person. She should see what you are really thinking, not some made up person that isn't the real you. 

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Jan 12, 2022 - 11:35am

Also in a relationship where my GF makes significantly less than I do. If I'm taking her out to a "nice" dinner I will end up paying for most dates, but to be polite she will usually offer to split the bill (I say no). 

When there is a large difference in your income or net worth (and you, in turn, pay for most dates) she should still be respectful and acknowledge that. For example, my GF will insist on paying for both of us on less expensive dates (like lunch/movies/etc.) so that she's contributing her fair share. 

It shouldn't be a topic that you're scared to talk about. If this is a meaningful relationship you should be able to talk about these things. Yeah, it will be awkward the first time you bring it up, but you need to rip off that band-aid.  

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Jan 12, 2022 - 12:43pm

The least she can do is thank you. Granted the monetary situations are very different and she can't provide for herself as of yet, she should show gratitude that you're almost always treating her. The big thing you want to avoid is this situation repeating itself once she DOES have the money / job and still expects you to always pay. 

Jan 12, 2022 - 1:14pm

I think the answer here to not spending money is addressing the fact that eating out is expensive and alternatively suggesting to stay in more and cook at home. Maybe just have one night per week that you eat out and call that date night and pick up the tab then. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jan 12, 2022 - 7:55pm

It all depends on how you've set yourself up; if you've given her the expectations that she'll be treated and taken out, she'll take it for granted. If you're always offering to take her out, why don't you offer a night in? Could be time consuming having to cook yourself etc but she might be more appreciative that way. If her finances aren't great but she's going out and neglecting this, it's either because she's taking you for a cuck or she's financially irresponsible. Both cases are problematic and should be addressed, just depends on you and the dynamics of the relationship how to go about it.

Jan 12, 2022 - 7:55pm

It's a LT relationship - so do you see yourself marrying this girl? If so you may have to pay for everything.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jan 12, 2022 - 7:55pm

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Jan 12, 2022 - 7:55pm

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