Office Thieves

WolfofWSO's picture
Rank: Neanderthal | 3,288

So a granola bar I hid behind my computer monitor is gone this morning. Does anyone have good stories about office food thieves?

I have a good suspicion of who stole it. They will come by shortly to say hello like most days and hint that the cleaning staff stole something off of their desk...

Back in college, I had friend who was into psychedelic mushrooms and had a thief stealing out of his hidden bag. He got crafty and put some mushrooms from the backyard in a bag and waited. Sure enough, a roommate mysteriously became violently ill.

I'm not cruel enough to be so vindictive over a granola bar, but does anyone have a good office vigilante story?

Comments (31)

Jul 18, 2019

Regarding things in the fridge, I've never understood how or why people are steal something in there. How do you not know its yours or forget what you brought?

Back in my accounting days, we use to do a lot of work at defunct state offices, so I would also try to take something crazy that was left behind. Best one was a book "How to Sit" published in the 80s. Literally a 200 page book about sitting in a chair.

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Funniest
Jul 18, 2019

One of my friends grandfather used to run a large construction company (lets say big enough to own a home in the same area as sports franchise owners) and was telling us about how when he still went to sites he was always known as the sandwich thief.

He told us that before lunch time everyday he would get hungry around 10 and go snooping to eat half of somebodies sandwich they had packed. His whole thing was "Hey I ate your sandwich so let me pay for your lunch". Not an awful deal right?

Well apparently there was this one guy who REFUSED to let him get his sandwich. He would hide it somewhere that gpa couldn't find, it started to drive him crazy. So one day he was determined to find it so he spent most of the morning, while everyone else was working, looking for this sandwich. He'd look in the on-site coolers, in the beds of the trucks, under the seats, but was having no luck.

Finally he decided "Oh what the hell I'll check under the hood". Popped the hood of this guys truck and low and behold there was the lunch box with the sandwich. Gpa was so excited that he finally found it and that he'd get to try this guy's sandwich. Started eating it and ya know it wasn't the best sandwich. He said it tasted kinda gamey.

So when everyone started going to lunch he told the guy he ate his sandwich and asked him "hey what kind of meat was in that thing, was it deer?" The guy goes nope it's raccoon... Needless to say I don't think he stole that guys lunch anymore.

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Jul 19, 2019

Great story. I worry that future generations (including my own) won't produce the kind of stories that today's older folks have. They were just cooler than us.

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Jul 24, 2019
PteroGonzalez:

Great story. I worry that future generations (including my own) won't produce the kind of stories that today's older folks have. They were just cooler than us.

If you tried this little joke today, people will get violent, call the cops, sue you, or try to have you fired. Maybe it's not the joke, maybe it was the people.

Jul 18, 2019

I somewhat understand someone who steals someone's can of pop or frozen Lean Cuisine. I never understood those who rifle though someone's brown bag lunch or the leftovers in a Rubbermaid container.

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Jul 18, 2019

Some people didn't have their ass kicked enough by their college roommates and as a result didn't learn to not steal, or alternatively not fuck with the thermostat. Basic life skills...

Jul 18, 2019

this sounds genius...absolutely poison a granola/candy bar and leave it for the thief (use a syringe to inject the poison).
Obviously don't use something lethal...just to make them really sick...to find the true culprit....and never reveal your dastardly deed (except to update this thread of course).

just google it...you're welcome

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Jul 19, 2019

Love it. Whoever threw MS at this is obviously a food thief.

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Jul 18, 2019

It might be the cleaning crew. They're most likely broke as shit and needed something to eat. Go buy a new granola bar.

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Most Helpful
Jul 19, 2019

On my second last day in banking, I "reclaimed" my tombstone - that was rightfully mine - from a VP. It was a 20bn+ transaction on which I had spent 8 months of my life including Christmas. An asshole VP came in towards the last couple of weeks as the real VP had to go on a break. Deal gets closed and when the tombstones are delivered, we are one short. This new VP takes mine. Boy was I pissed...but of course couldn't show or argue with the mofo. Fast forward one year, on my second last day, went to his desk and snuck it into my bag and left. His desk was jammed with tombstones so I'm sure he didn't notice. One could call it stealing but boy did that feel good

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Aug 7, 2019

Wonder if he was aware he was being a shameless asshole. Or if he legitimately thought he was entitled to it vs you cause of rank, and he worked oh so hard. Either way, good win.

Jul 19, 2019

After college, my roommate and I let one of our friends crash on the couch for about 6 months. The dude loved smoking the reefer and would always eat our food once he got the munchies.

This was right around the time when those sugar free gummy bear reviews were popping up. I decided to buy a big pack and leave them out in the open. I woke up the next morning to find he polished off the whole bag and spent a few hours that night sitting on the toilet, shitting his brains out.

Definitely one of my best achievements to date.

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Aug 12, 2019

Are those the kind that cause a blast from one's ass?

Jul 19, 2019

I don't think there's anything cruel about getting retribution on someone who intrudes on your space. Who cares if it's just a granola bar. My view is, unless we're buds stay the hell out of my business.

I worked on an open trading floor where it was fine to 'steal' eachothers snacks because we'd tell eachother about it and it it was more of a sharing thing. But that's a special situation. If it's just a random coworker then fuck that dude, I say anything short of murder is fair game.

Jul 23, 2019

That's my big thing. Mind your business. Stay the f out of the items on my desk.

Jul 20, 2019

lol, used to work for a power trading firm. An admin assistant's bag of samosa she kept in the freezer was empty the next morning she came in. She was furious but she knew it had to be the hungry real-time traders working the night shift.

Jul 20, 2019

Was this in India?

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Jul 21, 2019
quantgrunt:

Was this in India?

No

Jul 22, 2019

Just office supplies that the company provides

Jul 22, 2019

Not office related, but a good thievery story no less. My junior year of college I moved into a house off campus with 4 buddies of mine. We decided to have a blow out party to "break in" our new house the first weekend of the semester.

Somehow word of our party got around, and it quickly began to spin out of control. At the apex there were probably around 300 people there between inside and the lawn. We even had a pick up truck full of traveling carnies show up .. which provides a story that can stand on its own thread .. but since we're talking about thievery...

During the primetime of our party that had quickly gone off the rails, I smell the oven on. I go into the kitchen to make sure someone isn't about to burn down the house and I find some guy cooking a frozen pizza. Now, I had just that very day gone to the grocery store and bought 10 Jack's frozen pizzas (10 for $10 baby).

So I say to this guy, "hey buddy, why the f*ck are you cooking my pizza?"

He responds .. "Yours? Yours? Dude I brought this with me"

Me: "you brought a frozen pizza to a party?"

Him: "yeah I was hungry, and my oven wasn't working"

Me: (very large eye roll)

At this point I got to the freezer and count 9 Jack's pizzas... and was pretty sure my detective work was on solid footing.

No point in escalating this further ... so I just demanded that he come get me when it was out of the oven. I chowed it so fast he was only able to get 2 pieces.

Needless to say we learned A LOT about how to properly lock down our house for future parties... Fun side note .. someone also stole our caller ID (this was back when they were stand alone appliances).

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Jul 22, 2019

go on about carnies...

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Jul 22, 2019

hahaha .. ok .. So about the carnies

It was about 10 or 11pm and the party was in full swing. Lots of people we didn't know showing up out of nowhere.. but it was all going mostly well.

Then I'm out on couch on our front porch (awesome) and this beat up old pick up truck comes careening down the block and screeches to a halt in front of our house. About 12 mangy looking people hop out of the truck and bed including one of our other friends.

I see my buddy, and I'm like "Nate, what's up? who the hell are all these people?" He goes on to explain that he was at the strip club (by himself) and met up with all these guys who were in town for the carnival. Then they all got the idea to head to our party. Yeah.. Nate was at a strip club by himself, met carnies, and brought them all over to our party ... with a dog. He's kind of an odd bird if you can believe it.

So the carnies come in and everything is mostly fine. Then about a half hour later, Nate comes up to me and says ... "Hey! do you guys have any lighter fluid??"

I'm just like .. Whoooaaaaaa ... why are you even asking?
Nate explains that one of the carnies can blow fire and is gonna do it on the front lawn. I just respond that I don't think that's a great idea. We had already had one visit from the cops for noise...

So I go back to drinking and hanging out .. and then I hear this huge "WHOOOOOOSSSSHH" and a giant fireball in our front yard. Sorta like the scene from Christmas Vacation when the guy lights the tree on fire.

Apparently they found some lighter fluid... Cue the cops about 4 minutes later.

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Jul 22, 2019

If I had a Flux Capacitor and a Delorean, I'd totally go back in time to that party! Bravo!

Back in my party school days, most of which are a blur, I can recall a few great parties;

  1. The start of the fall semester was an all out first hooray for partying. Cops were in full swing but didn't interfere so long as you were enjoying yourself on your lawn. One underage drunk idiot forgot this advice and not only began harassing uniformed officers, but proceeded to throw the contents of the wap cup (I'm older than most folks, but wap is short for Wapatuli) at said officers. A young officer bolted towards him and the kid took off like a failed track star. The cop caught him after not too long and straight up lineman tackled him to the pavement. Kid was an absolute mess and had a nasty raspberry across his face on his mugshot. These were the days before camera phones, but you could imagine what it would have been like had it been recorded.
  2. Was at a party that may or may not have been getting out of control. A resident of the house kept on barking, "Everybody get the Fak out of here!" to which everyone laughed and kept on pounding cheap keg beer. Since no one was listening, he drops a ton of peppers/spices/whatever into the gas stove and lights it up. The rancid smoke could have been at parity with tear gas. The place cleared out quickly. I'm unsure if the residents could inhabit the place, but that was there problem.
  3. One of my buddies gets wasted at a party and says he's going to look for the bathroom. We find him outside unconscious with this black guy shaking him yelling, "Dis muthafaka is dead!" We dump some cold water on him and he comes to unsure of anything that just happened. We come to learn that in his search for a bathroom, he entered a room where a guy and girl were, you know, whipped it out and began peeing over her textbooks. Guy gave him a bums-rush out of the house straight into the street. In hindsight, we are lucky that he wasn't more injured or killed in the process.

It's actually amazing I ended up where I am today with all the dumb sht I did while partying.

Jul 22, 2019

Good stories .. Yeah I was before cell phone cameras which was probably a blessing ..

On one hand, I certainly would have some funny pictures .. but on the other hand ..

I'd be on some of those pictures

Jul 22, 2019

oh for sure! The extortion would be palpable!

Jul 24, 2019

Hubby used to be a market-maker/specialist at the NYSE and had numerous stories about people who would help themselves to other people's food.

The payback stories were always priceless.

Some guy who was notorious to helping himself to Oreos and who never chipped in to buy them got "learnt". One time Hubby and some coworkers took the time to replace the Oreo filling in about half the cookies in a recently-bought package with white toothpaste.

There was also another character who was known for taking bites out of unattended sandwiches [the NYSE has counters for keyboards but virtually zero chairs, so you often ate standing up while working, but sometimes you'd have to walk away to address a trade]. Hubby cut up a bunch of rubber bands, wet them down with hot sauce and placed them in a sandwich they set up for the biter. :)

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Jul 24, 2019

At this once place I worked the office furniture sucked. There were a small number of comfortable desk chairs, and I happened to claim one. One morning I got to work and found my comfortable chair gone, replaced with one of the shitty chairs!

It was pretty early, so I went around the office looking for my chair. In another cubicle row, I found this contractor guy I worked with who manages the other finance team sitting in it. I then said "hey, you stole my chair!" With a guilty look, he claimed to not know what I was talking about and said this chair just happened to be there where he was sitting this morning. Yeah, right...

I found a similar chair at another desk and stole that one.

Aug 6, 2019

I had stashed an oatmeal granola bar behind the monitor and voila, it vanished yesterday like Houdini. I brought one in today from my bag and my coworker saw me munching on it.

He says, "Oh man, those are terrible...(long pause before lie)...my wife got some a week ago and it was painful gagging the thing down."

Me, "Got it."

Aug 6, 2019

one time this girl in my office stole some chick's husband and took another chick's job. safe to say she was effective at getting what she wanted.

OP, do you not have a backpack, desk, etc.? if your snacks are in plain sight, part of the problem is you. hide yo shit fam

here's what I'd do if you wanna play a little game: open one of the bars, keep the wrapper intact, cut off a small chunk, put a tile (https://www.thetileapp.com/en-us/) on it, and then re-seal it (an iron on a low setting should work). leave it out so that it gets taken

when it gets taken, you'll be able to track them down so there's no possibility of lying. I'd simply show the person the screen with the app open, say "betcha didn't think you'd get caught, huh? stay outta my shit, this is the last time," snatch the bar back and walk away like ali after a knockout, you'll never have this problem again.

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Aug 7, 2019
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Aug 7, 2019