Please help! - burnt out and depressed despite having my dream job and not sure how to fix it

Hey dude

I feel you. I am not in PE, I am a physical commodity trader. But I can completely understand where you’re at. We have all gone through rough patches in our lives. Be it work related or not. 

Let’s forget about the specifics of work and begin by assessing this on a mental/psychological level as a generic topic. 

You have made the most important step in the journey to become who you really want to be. You have identified the problem, you know the areas where you are lacking. Trust me, this may sound like cheap “mental life coach” advice but it isn’t. Many people don’t even know they are in a bad spot to begin with. 

So now you know you are not happy. And that is okay. It’s not a permanent feeling. You will get out of this, but you need to calm down and think of your next steps. Let’s go back to specifics.

Maybe a change in careers? Going to a less demanding PE company, while earning a bit less, seems like a choice worthy of some consideration. From what I read, it is work that has caused all of this.

So step back and see things from the grand scheme: you have identified you have a problem AND you have also identified the cause of the problem.

Now that you know the cause, it’s a matter of making a choice. I assume you are a smart person, because of where you are. So then ask yourself, what do you want in life?

Start searching for other jobs. Maybe change also cities if you have friends elsewhere (do not relocate to a new place alone during a rough patch)

You will get through this. You are just overwhelmed and too close to your own problem. Take a step back.

Hope this helped

Get your bonus, quit, and start therapy.

You call this job your dream job, but do you feel like you're living the dream right now? The feelings of hopelessness and dread shouldn't be there if a job is well suited for you. You got to where you wanted to go and realized it's not the right fit, so now you get to make new goals. There is no shame in that. No job is worth suffering through sustained mental anguish like this.

I understand it's hard to let go, because you worked so hard to get to where you are now. But I bet you'll feel so much better once you find a better fit and stop putting this job on such a pedestal. 

Other posters have added good thoughts already so will try to keep this brief:

1. Stop tying your self worth to a job, this is a trap that many junior finance professionals fall into given the long hours. If you can, take a week off and travel somewhere - helps give you perspective that the world is a bigger place and these jobs aren’t all that important in the grand scheme of things
2. Move health (mental + physical) to the top of your priority list. This means eating better (sucks at first since you’re likely using unhealthy food / drinking as an outlet), going to the gym 3x per week (emphasis on weight lifting), and getting proper amounts of sleep even if you need to push out timing on a deliverable. If you want to keep drinking, cut out beer and replace with tequila / mezcal sodas (lowest calorie option) but try to limit to weekends only
3. Assuming you had some more hobbies prior to the job (or if not for something you’ve always wanted to try), pick 1-2 and look for some sort of group to join related to this. Could be for example a soccer league, joining a rock climbing gym, pottery class, etc. - this will be a way to meet people and also make you a more well rounded person. No one wants to date someone who does nothing but work (apart from maybe the gold diggers you’ve run into so far)
4. This is related to #2, but worth calling out. Stop watching porn (very bad for many reasons) and limit masturbating. Stop also thinking of dating as something you have to do for the job / appearances

Obviously this is a lot of change so be kind to yourself over this period - you don’t have to complete everything 100% overnight. The first step is recognizing that you need a change which you’ve already done. Consistency is more important than anything else, it will become easier over time 

I feel you brother. It's rough just working away without end, and not having the other aspects of life sorted out.

There's a way out of hell but it's going to take a team and a lot of self-care. You're wise to reach out to others, but rather than a finance forum you should reach out to your family, friends, classmates... whomever you think can be there for you. Things are never as bad (or as good) as you think. From what you posted, I think you've got a sizable family, and though they may not share your political or vaccination-related views you gotta go to them and let them know you need help, and they need to kick those other unrelated things to the curb because you need their support.

Next, you could initiate immaculate self-care.  Sleep, diet, rest.  

If you need to talk, DM me or some of the other folks here. Or reach out to the free mental health hotlines.  You'll get thru. Just make sure you lean on others to help you through the hard times.

Listen to this talk by Dr. Stephenson on immaculate self-care and how to combat depression. He talks about how he keeps his mental state in balance. 

You’ve gotta de-prioritize your job a bit. I’m not saying quit (though you may eventually come the conclusion that’s he best path forward), but your current work / life split is untenable. Start by answering a few emails the following AM, work towards scheduling + keeping some weekend commitments, then move to a Friday night, etc. Even if it’s just a massage, etc. (i.e., a solo activity, so your [worst-case] cancellation wouldn’t inconvenience anyone), you need to start cordoning off a life again. 

Hey man, thanks for posting your honest thoughts here. A lot, a lot, and a lot more people feel very similarly about their lives, and it’s extremely unfortunate. I’ve been there too and it’s hard…the problem is that the grass is always greener on the other side and it’s hard to get your priorities straight when you’re so stressed. Take some time to figure out how you can make yourself feel better while still performing well in your job (assuming you want to continue at your job, which is very reasonable given how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are and how rewarding it’ll be down the road). Make time to hit the gym. Make time! Figure out a diet that works both in and out of the office for a healthier lifestyle. Cut back on the drinking unless it’s with friends or a date. Get back on the dating apps. I’ve been lots dating app dates and it’s always great to meet new people, especially outside our little prestige worshipping circle, and have random stupid conversations about Netflix, politics, gossip and music. Just get out there. Force yourself to. Being in better shape will boost confidence. It’s a snowball effect. Lastly, talk to your friends. Talk to them about LIFE, their relationships, their families, their vacation plans, etc. There’s so much more to life than just our stupid private Equity jobs and our bank accounts. Take a walk outside by an ocean, lake or park with your favorite music on wearing your AirPod pros with noice cancellation and smile at the squirrels, the man cutting the grass, the lady running with funny neon glasses. Take it all in and you’ll remember LIFE IS GOOD.

Rooting for you here friend. It’s okay to have struggles, the work makes you happy but your commentary on the emotional highs/lows you suffer really makes me think speaking to a therapist about it will help get your mind in the right direction. You are taking initial steps to understand yourself better and live a more fulfilled life and that is great news. There’s growing pains now but this is very likely the worst of it, as you hopefully talk about it more in therapy and take steps to improve your life you will start to feel a lot better. Wishing you all the best

I have often struggled with issues of self worth and mental health as I often felt unqualified for my current seat, and was a poor performer to start. I disagree with some of the other posters stating you need to leave your role - it is your mindset which will follow you to whichever firm or industry you switch to. Yes, certain firms may be a better fit; but you already state you enjoy your firm and your role.

Besides finding some hobbies (take a trip! work from a beach!), the two things were helpful to me in getting over this hump.

1. Your success as a professional is going to depend on having a level mindset and approachable personality. To some extent, approach your emotional volatility just like you would approach a sport or skill. Actively practice calming your reactions to mistakes (everyone makes them) and successes (what can I take away?). You are not a robot and this approach doesn't need to play into your personal life, but professionally this is a skill and it can be taught.

2. You have worked immensely hard to get where you are and it helps to enjoy some of your successes. There is the material aspect (go on that trip you've always wanted - and pay for your friend to go too!); but I really enjoyed getting involved in mentorship / giving back for junior professionals/underprivileged. It will contextualize some of your mindset and help you prioritize what matters in your life. 

Hey I commend you for broaching this topic. I think that, especially in the world of high finance, discussing ones mental health is seen as a sign of weakness. I was very lucky to have a boss early enough on in my career who told me frankly that everyone was a closet nutcase but was hoping to survive to 40 and a +$20MM net worth ex-r/e. With that being said -- I think you're going to be ok. You can choose to quit and get some r&r or you can force yourself to develop structural habits that will help you survive (note: survive vs. thrive). 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Life is precious. It's a gift, and we have to treat it as such. You're worthy of care and dignity simply for being alive. And most importantly, that starts with you. You give yourself the most basic care and dignity you'll receive in the world.

Anyone who tells you 'it gets better' is lying. Nothing is guaranteed to happen unless we work at it. We are responsible for what our lives look like.

That doesn't have to be an intimidating thing. It can be empowering. 

I would recommend one of two things. 

You can quit to give yourself complete white space to develop yourself as a person. Alternatively, you can take some proactive steps at work to give yourself partial space to do this work.

I recommend the latter if there's someone (a) senior enough who you have a good rapport with that (b) has evidenced enough humane behavior where you feel you'll have a receptive ear.

Ask that person if you can run a personal question past them sometime. Ideally do this in person, although if your team is fully remote, it's hard to get walk-and-talk time period, let alone with the one person you might be able to share this conversation with.

Tell them the surface level of this. Don't go to the complete depth (e.g. that you think this unhealthy core element is the root of your professional success), but talk about how you care tremendously about your work, you've identified you're lacking in some areas, and because you want to do well over the long run (and this is a place you can see yourself doing that), you want to get a handle on it now rather than it turning into an actual problem.

You know it's already an actual problem, and kudos to you for being brave enough to face it within yourself and voice it here for support or advice. But unfortunately, you're unlikely to get the best result if you frame it that way, so try something like I phrased above.

If you go this route, ideally this person is a supportive ear. Try to discuss with them ways in which you can make space for yourself. Is it a 45-minute workout at lunchtime every day? Is it okay to stop answering emails at 8pm Friday night as long as you're always, without fail back in your inbox by 10am Saturday? These types of things are easier to ask about if you're well perceived internally.

Definitely try to get their no-shit read on how you're doing. I remember once in an internship (I did sophomore and junior summers) I was absolutely freaking the fuck out that I somehow wasn't getting a return offer. I passed the super senior product head on the floor once towards the end, he asked how it was going, I said I honestly didn't know, and he kind of had this smirk while saying "I think you're good, dude". I had the rare combination of blindness and audacity to actually turn and start talking about how I wasn't sure, I was frankly worried, and I really appreciated everything he'd done for me (I'd met him during recruiting) ... as if I might not have seen him again. My dumb ass never stopped to think offer decisions were already made and he was telling me without telling me. Moral of the story here is that it's always helpful to just ask people, as long as it's the right people. 

What I'm trying to illustrate overall here is that there are ways you can manage the pain of a job like this. Unfortunately it's always 'manage', never 'eliminate', because this comes with the turf. It's up to you to decide whether that's what you're interested in for the long run.

I wasn't. It was daunting, but I chose to do it my way (the way that worked for the life I wanted to live). You'll discover there are lots of different paths that get you to a similar end state (fascinating work, cool people involved in it, lucrative compensation). Private credit often has a better lifestyle. The family office space is insular and opaque but can offer real gems. Entrepreneurship through acquisition (which bleeds towards fundless sponsor) can be freeing.

The most important thing you have to decide is to take care of yourself. And that looks different for different people.

If you feel like having zero responsibilities or pressure is going to be the best way to build your better life, it can absolutely be worth quitting to give yourself the space. 

I wish you the best. If you'd like to read a random grab bag of responses I wrote to people, many of whom asked about topics in self-growth or discovery, there's a long thread where I shared a whole bunch of books I think you'd find valuable.

Be well.

What steps can I take to pull myself out of this unhealthy cycle? 

Get a therapist. No one on WSO is going to be a good one, even if they tried.

Time: it can be as little as an hour a week or every two weeks online via VC (since you're WFH, even better). If you have time for porn...

Cost: I doubt it's an issue for you but if is, ask for trainee therapists instead.

Get a therapist who is empathetic. They should listen to you more than they talk to you. At the same time, you don't want to spend 10 hours talking about how you hate life, so go into sessions thinking about what is it really that is making you unhappy and what you would like to change

I have no friends that live near me nor the time to go out and make new ones since I'm working 80-100 hour weeks with weekend work regularly.

It's hard but you can build close friendships at any age by investing effort into relationships over long periods of time. I'm over the whole need to have a lot of friends thing. Some people I'm close to, I see only a few times a year because we're both in crazy jobs and we don't have any other mutual friends. But we talk for hours when we do get to meet. Don't confuse having your lives enmeshed to being good friends

I have not been able to seriously date after breaking off a 4+ year relationship to move and pursue the job prior to this one.

You're not in a place to be in a relationship right now. Drop that idea until you're in a better place. If that means years, that's what it takes. You're not going to be capable of being in a mutually satisfying and caring relationship until you are.

A lot of men think that being in a relationship solves their issues because they think of a gf as a sex doll + therapist + mummy substitute all wrapped into one. Many women have dropped off OLD and even casual dating because, no one wants to be that anymore.

I have developed a pornography addiction and gained ~50lbs (5'10 pushing 230) since the start of the pandemic .

Both are serious issues on their own but also likely linked to the overall mental health issues that you are facing

It has become even more pronounced this holiday season because I refuse to get the vaccine (heart problems run in the family) 

This has me terrified for my brother especially because he is severely special needs and the parent who has custody does not seem remotely concerned about his deterioration over the past ~6 months because of course the vaccines are 100% safe and effective and since I am unvaccinated I cannot visit

Sorry to hear this, but at this point, you need to get your mental well being sorted out first before you try and help someone else. If you believe that your brother is in danger and your parent is negligent, can you alert local social services / health services in any way? It would bring a lot of family drama, but if he is in actual danger at least he'll be under surveillance

On the brother front, just lie to the parent and say you're vaccinated... who gives a fuck about OmniCold

I don’t think you need to leave the job.

But I’d do two things…first, brush up your hinge and try to treat it like part of your work. You have to weed out the weirdos but there are genuinely good women on hinge. It’s actually great.

Second, start hitting the gym before work for just 30 min or so. I know you say you have no time. It’s simply not true.

Look at it this way…if you don’t balance your life a bit, you won’t be able to work at all. So in many respects, you should make getting a GF or consistent lay, and going to the gym, part of work, since some balance is clearly necessary for you to keep the work.

Don’t Quit the job for something “easier”. There will always be excuses you can make to not go to the gym and not put in the work elsewhere.

This js where champions are made!!! You got the job, you’re only a couple steps away from putting it all together

I posted earlier, but wanted to come back to emphasize again you should not give up the job you worked so hard to get. I would personally spend 30 minutes having a phone call with you to create a series of action steps for each problem area to get things manageable so you can keep the job. Doesn’t take a therapist to jot down a list of little things you can do. Not in high finance myself (at this time) but work a demanding NYC job related to capital markets on the law side for a top law firm and always fascinated by the finance hustlers. Cheers, bud!

Can I suggest something? When I served in the Military I felt trapped at times and wasn’t happy whatsoever.

Until,

I created a 5 year plan and small micro goals for myself.

I started training and became a well know Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Fighter in the Midwest.

You must be the captain of your own ship. No body is going to save you. You must find a community. And surround yourself with good people. That is the only way you can succeed and not sabotage your own life.

This is my wisdom to you. Do NOT dismiss it.

I promise if you try it? It will reward you. 😉

🥃Cheers Good Sir.