Rich GF/Future Wife - Becoming a sugar baby

TLDR: Super rich gf, want to be a "sugar baby" (of sorts, still work a super chill job), afraid of giving up financial independence and current career track. 

My current GF (that I truly love) of 3 years and soon to be fiancé (sometime this year) is worth about $9M. I work pretty long hours and it really takes a toll on her. We've talked about me getting a more chill job but I am not yet at a point where I would feel comfortable doing this independently and don't want to have to rely on her. 29 y/o, ~$1M NW and seem to have a pretty promising career at my current job, so it'd be a lot to give up.

She has an army of advisors who will likely advise her to get me to sign a pre-nup (we've danced around the conversation), which I makes a lot of sense for her and I would agree to (some will say this is dumb, but it's my decision). 

I dream of a more chill lifestyle and want to downshift, but I don't know how anyone could feel comfortable relying on their significant other to be their sugar momma. I also feel that this is destined to create a situation where she feels like I'm a freeloader and loses respect for me . Even if she doesn't think she would, I think it'd be natural - women are biologically programmed be attracted to providers, just as men are programmed to want to provide (if you think sexist do some research). 

Anyone else on this thread a man that is supported financially by their wife/gf? How do you get comfortable with this? Do you ever fear of divorce leaving you miles behind the competition when you try to get back to a high earning position?

I know the next step is to simply have a conversation with her about it, but I wanted to see how this played out for others in a similar situation.

Sorry for the click bait title! :)

Comments (52)

 
Funniest
  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Feb 20, 2021 - 3:22pm

:

 Super rich gf

Wow is he dating some billionaire's daughter? I'm jelly

:

My current GF is worth about $9M

lmao

 
  • Associate 3 in RE - Other
Feb 20, 2021 - 3:35pm

OP here - You're right, wealth is relative. Our combined NW would put us around the top 0.1% of US households for our age and top 1.5% for all ages. For some that's good, for others it's not.

 

The point is that we'd have the financial freedom to never have to work another day in our lives.  

 

 

 
Feb 23, 2021 - 2:22pm

In normal situations you're completely correct. $10MM combined is a ton of money that's not in most American's dreams outside of winning the lottery. 
 

For Prospects in IB - M&A, that's laughable chump change because every analyst is destined to make Jeff Bezos look like he's broke. 

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
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Feb 20, 2021 - 3:34pm

Can't give much advice to you, but purely speaking for myself as someone who has never been in the situation you're in, I could never truly be comfortable. I wouldn't have a problem if she made 10x more money than I did, but to be dependent on her and work a lesser job making less money is not something I'd be cool with. Maybe that's sexist but I don't care.
 

With the whole pre-nup thing, are there provisions you can set? If you love her enough to leave your job and miss out on big potential earnings then maybe you two can agree to a sort of "catch up" provision. You spent X amount of time with her and missed out on X amount of potential earnings and now you are (unfortunately) divorcing. Because of time spent in the relationship and missed earnings you'd be entitled to a certain amount of money in the settlement.

 
  • Associate 3 in RE - Other
Feb 20, 2021 - 3:44pm

OP here - I lean the same way on earnings but I'm not sure if this is just a dumb mindset that society has ingrained in us or (as I alluded to) it's just primal. However, I fear having regrets about working too much on my deathbed equally. 

Thanks. The prenup structure is something I've thought about about and will eventually need to have a conversation about. 

 

 
  • VP in IB - Ind
Feb 21, 2021 - 3:48pm

Stay in your own lane, do your best, don't let the money issue eat away at you. It is all an ego thing and you'll be so much better off spinning your situation as something you should be grateful for than as an unspoken competition between you and her. Would you rather be in a situation where you feel like a "man" with a girl you have to support fully but have to worry about money for the rest of your life?

 
Feb 20, 2021 - 3:40pm

It sounds like this is bothering you a lot, and she probably does not care at all. I think you should have this conversation, WITH HER!!!! List out all the concerns you have, like how you did it on this forum, and talk to her about it. Address the elephant in the room now before you're 5 years into your relationship and miserable because your wife has lots more money than you. It's possible you will never be able to accept a partner that has more money than you, and in that case you should end the relationship right away.

Your idea of women are attracted to providers is entirely false, and stuff taught by PUA. Why do you think there are women dating deadbeats? The reasons for a woman liking a male is complicated, and your idea of it is absolutely wrong. 

Array
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  • Associate 3 in RE - Other
Feb 20, 2021 - 3:48pm

OP here - thanks for the suggestion. I do plan on having these conversations with her but wanted to hear from men in the same situation.

 

You might be right on the attraction comment. Maybe it's just that historically, women were designated to a role of caretaker and out of economic necessity searched for higher income spouses. Some studies I've read do confirm my position, however. 

 

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S109051381730315X

https://www.westernsydney.edu.au/newscentre/news_centre/story_archive/2…

 
Feb 20, 2021 - 3:58pm

Studies also show that over time our brains made us social beings, and people who have better social skills have the best chance of mating and creating offspring.

Why is it that a broke artist from Williamsburg has a greater chance of pulling a hot girl than a successful banker? We're all puzzles that have been created by the household we grew up in, our environment and experiences, and natural personalities. A rich girl might have met many other super rich families and their kids, and probably had bad experiences interacting with them. Maybe what she loved about you was that you were hard working, sweet, caring, had other things on your mind besides yachts in the Hamptons and prestige? This is complicated to analyze but just an example of what I mean. 

Array
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Most Helpful
Feb 20, 2021 - 5:46pm

Assuming you're not in the top 1% in terms of look (so that she's only attracted to you because you're hot), I'd say one major element of attraction from your end is that you have a sense of purpose, that is, a bright career going on for you. The moment you lose it (and hence your "purpose"), she will automatically lose any sense of attraction she's ever had. Same reason why a broke artist from Williamsburg might be more successful in pulling girls (arguably) - said artist is deeply passionate about what he does and doesn't care to throw it away for any girls. Speaking from my personal experience, the moment I lost myself and started simping for the girl I liked, she lost interest and found someone else with a better sense of purpose. Don't repeat my mistake!

 
Feb 21, 2021 - 2:52am

1000%

OP please have a serious conversation with her but I don't care what she says today, 4 years from now when you're relying mostly on her NW (Even though she hasn't earned it apparently), she might resent you.

Honesty, it comes down to this. Imagine you have a disagreement, and she drops the money as a petty jab. I personally would rather be homeless and grinding than give anyone that type of power over me. A sword over my head. She might be the type of girl to never do this, its possible, she might really just love you unconditionally and want to spend time with her.

Anyways, whatever you do, make sure you keep some type of career or purpose. For your own sake. And probably for your relationship. Seeing your girl all the time will get old and cause more minor fights IMO.

 
Feb 21, 2021 - 5:56pm

Keep the job and career path. Get married. Have fun.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

 
Feb 21, 2021 - 8:32pm

I dated a billionaire back in 2015 and she wanted to marry me. She said I would have to sign a pre-nup, but I wasn't attracted to her money and I felt like I'd be trapped in a marriage that basically required me to abandon my career and then to be imporvished if she decided to end it due to, say, my "poor" behavior. I did walk away from that relationship. I didn't want to be kept in a jail of my own making, and that looks to be about what she's setting you up for, OP.

Array

 
Feb 22, 2021 - 4:24pm

 

What kind of Billionaires are you meeting in Blacksburg, Virginia lmao 

I actually met her in my master's program at Georgetown.

Array

 
  • Trader in S&T - Comm
Feb 22, 2021 - 4:27pm

I too almost married a billionaire's daughter. But it was at summer camp & she lives in canada, so you can't meet her 

 
  • Trader in S&T - Comm
Feb 22, 2021 - 6:07pm

my billionaire girlfriend gave me a G5 for our 1 month anniversary, how about yours? I just cant show you a picture, its a secret 

 
Feb 22, 2021 - 6:03pm

 

I too almost married a billionaire's daughter. But it was at summer camp & she lives in canada, so you can't meet her 

I don't really care if you believe me or not.

Array

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Feb 22, 2021 - 5:45pm

Wtf are you all talking about? She has $9m and supports another parent and is young. This isn't some insane level of wealth. Certainly nothing to scoff at either, but OP isn't going to be forced into relying on an allowance to get by if he works a regular finance job because her spending isn't going to be super lavish given her wealth level (if it is, you've got bigger problems lol). 
 

Most likely thing that will happen with this money in the mid term is that you'll spend some of it on a down payment for a home, kids school, and maybe a vacation home. 
 

You will still have plenty of incentive to earn money. You'll have plenty of reasons to do so in a way that makes sense for the both of you, which is why you should discuss it ASAP. 

Array
 
Feb 22, 2021 - 6:11pm

OP has been presented with a seemingly great situation--work less, pursue a less financially rewarding career path because his prospective wife has plenty of money to help them purchase a nice house, send kids to private school, etc. But the catch is that he has to sign a pre-nup. When the marriage inevitably fails, the OP will be out a lucrative career and will not be compensated for it. If he wants to maintain his lifestyle, she then has all the control in the marriage--he may feel forced to stay in a failed marriage. Alternatively, she may consistently dangle divorce in front of his face to coerce him into certain behaviors.

Once you start peeling back the onion, the deal becomes less good.

Array

 
  • Associate 3 in RE - Other
Feb 23, 2021 - 4:07pm

So the responses have generally been to keep working for a number of reasons. To play devil's advocate, here are my counters:

  • Keeping respect of wife (lose passion = lose attractiveness) - Can pursue other passion projects instead of working and spend more quality time with family. This one I am least worried about since I am a voracious learner and type A. Wife is not super passionate about her job and is huge on work/life balance.  
  • Keeping respect of wife (lose money = lose attractiveness) - This is the "freeloader" problem. This is probably my biggest concern. As others have mentioned, she can say something now but 4 years from now may feel very different.
  • Lose financial security due to prenup - As MaxEbic noted, can structure the prenup creatively to provide financial cushion. That said, this creatives a bunch of weird incentives if it's structured as a salary (would therefore want to hang on as long as possible). Something a lawyer can help us with later on for sure.

Though it was my natural tendency as well, I'm surprised by the overwhelming continue to work current job response. 

 
Feb 23, 2021 - 4:28pm

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. The reality is, very few people go into a marriage believing it will fail and yet somewhere between 40 and 60% do (there's kind of a dispute on the statistics, but it's a lot of failed marriages). As you go into a marriage, you just need to be highly cognizant of the behaviors you engage in as a result of the marriage surrounding your career--if you decide to take it easy in your career and your marriage fails, you will be reduced to an economic lifestyle that befits those with "taking it easy" jobs. If you decide to "take it easy" because your wife's money can backstop your lifestyle, then be dang sure your side of the prenup is air-tight (40+year-olds don't get many "re-dos" on climbing the corporate ladder).

Array

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