Shitty Networking 101

Fear The Bulge's picture
Rank: King Kong | banana points 1,834

Welcome to the school of shitty networking. There will be future courses, but here's an intro.

I receive messages on nearly every social media platform (even Tinder) from people trying to get a job. Some are fine, and I just ignore them. Some are spineless, or insane, or so terribly written they read like a pregnant teenager's cryptic Facebook status, and I share them with people who need a laugh.

Since I'm financially successful, handsome, and amazing at my job, it's only natural that noobs want to reach out to me and get a piece of what I've got. I get it. If you went to a non-target school, or you lack the social skills to make connections in the appropriate ways, or you're just plain dumb and can't get hired, desperation might set in and lead you to do something like send a pleading Linkedin message.

Unfortunately for these idiots, I hate that shit and I'll mock them mercilessly for it. Needless to say, I'm not going to include any personal info because I'm not a god damn monster, but I invite you to imagine the type of beta weasel that would send the following, which I received a couple years ago and saved for future enjoyment:

"Dear Fear the Bulge,"

Don't say "dear," it's gay.

"I hope you remember me from [redacted] Weekend in 2011. It was way cool meeting you. Remember how you showed me the proper way to shotgun a beer? I still do, and it's become a daily ritual for me."

Cool. I'm glad wasting beer has become a daily ritual, hardass.

"So I can see from Facebook (lame, right?)"

Yes.

"that you are working at [redacted] now and pretty clearly banging hot chicks left and right as a result."

Look dude, yes, working at a big bank and crushing it is an advantage in getting with women, but I'm also very good looking and not socially retarded. This addition is unnecessary and creepy as hell.

"I want what you have, and I know this might be kind of random and weird, but I'm just reaching out to you and asking for it."

Asking for what? To bang my sloppy seconds? Get to the point, dweeb.

It's a lot to ask and if not I totally urndersand [sic]. It'd be so tight to work with you when I graduate in the spring and if you play your cards right, I might even have an ounce of dank for you as a thank you."

Oh what an honor it is to be not only your sole Wall Street connection (using a definition of that word that's looser than your mom's vagina), but also the beneficiary of your shitty basement grow operation. No, no, no.

"You rock, man. Thanks in advance for your help. [name redacted]"

So what became of this guy? Well, he wears a hat in every picture, which leads me to believe he's already balding at 24. He works at a Toyota dealership and has a girlfriend named "Aslynne."

And while I don't feel personally responsible for any of that, if I had managed to get him a job, maybe I'd have this complete pussy to cover the shit I don't want to do without complaint, and maybe, just maybe, I'd be getting free dank nugs on the reg. Too bad.

Moral is, there's a better way to network than to creepily kiss someone's ass and offer them weed. Stay tuned for future installments.

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Comments (34)

Sep 26, 2016

your post reminded me of this for some reason

What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?

    • 6
Sep 29, 2016

Because it was that.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

Sep 26, 2016

Never stop

Oct 1, 2016
Fear The Bulge:

Since I'm financially successful, handsome, and amazing at my job, it's only natural that noobs want to reach out to me and get a piece of what I've got.

whoa, hold down your ego, Mr. Junior Trader. You better carry that MD's bag very good and never forget to kiss his ass. You will be quickly thrown out of your equities in Dallas job if you won't. Next time when someone wants to sell, don't quote the ask price, junior.

Who the fuck hires such narcissists?

Sep 26, 2016

lol you're talking here like you're a banker but you're actually in S&T... in equities no less

    • 4
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Sep 26, 2016
foochbwah:

lol you're talking here like you're a banker but you're actually in S&T... in equities no less

Probably in Dallas

    • 8
Best Response
Sep 26, 2016

Don't disrespect Fear The Bulge. He's the only sign of life this forum has at the moment. It's become full of college kids that use us as a second opinion to their disconnected career counselor and yet still give to each other advice like they made MD at 30.

    • 22
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Sep 26, 2016
itsanumbersgame:

Don't disrespect Fear The Bulge. He's the only sign of life this forum has at the moment. It's become full of college kids that use us as a second opinion to their disconnected career counselor and yet still give to each other advice like they made MD at 30.

Ehh.. no disrespect to him/her, but it sounds like a weaker version of "Damn It Feels Good to Be a Banker." If it is Leveraged Sellout with a new name, then my apologies. I do agree though that this forum has grown weak due to the vast number of repetitive posts.

    • 4
Sep 27, 2016

Agreed...the number of negative responses to FTB's posts show how far this forum has fallen...

Sep 26, 2016

Not really. His or her posts are about 50/50 hit/miss.

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Sep 26, 2016

pls share a Tinder story.

Sep 27, 2016
thekid_24:

pls share a Tinder story.

And yes, please do this next.

Sep 26, 2016

"Oh what an honor it is to be not only your sole Wall Street connection (using a definition of that word that's looser than your mom's vagina), but also the beneficiary of your shitty basement grow operation. No, no, no."

Not sure how to properly quote on here but this was just too painful.

Sep 27, 2016

Who are you trying to satirize with this thread? 25 and younger bankers who think they're god?

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Sep 27, 2016

uuuuuh I can't wait for the future installment ... Also after having read this I am having the same questions as @SF_G

SF_G:

Who are you trying to satirize with this thread? 25 and younger bankers who think they're god?

The only way to do great work is to love what you do!
PREP QUESTIONS -FIND THEM HERE

Sep 27, 2016
SF_G:

Who are you trying to satirize with this thread? 25 and younger bankers who think they're god?

Wow, nothing gets by you.

Sep 27, 2016

Are you so proud of receiving a networking template with Dear [Insert Person's name here]?

Get over yourself, he probably sent the same to a hundred other people to see what sticks.

Working at a Toyota dealership is a respectable job and I hope you understand that your S&T job makes nothing of you as a person.

Sep 26, 2016
NassLaMenace:

Are you so proud of receiving a networking template with Dear [Insert Person's name here]?

Get over yourself, he probably sent the same to a hundred other people to see what sticks.

Working at a Toyota dealership is a respectable job and I hope you understand that your S&T job makes nothing of you as a person.

I am 99.5% sure this poster makes up half the shit he says. It's supposed to be a comedic account, but I think you didn't get that..

Sep 27, 2016

Ahh I see, haven't come across one of his posts before.

However I have to say mentioning Tinder made me suspicious that he was joking, lol!

Sep 28, 2016

Jesus.

Sep 27, 2016

It's been long since I visited WSO and thank God I stumbled upon this post. Gotta love this forum. +1

    • 1
Sep 27, 2016

This one was just weak. There's no point destroying an obviously retarded message he received further.

Sep 27, 2016

There's an obscure quote from Marlon Brando on the creative process and would-be critics who have never created anything with their own two hands that is worthy of evaluation: "They want to lock you up so you can't be free. If you are not free, you can't write [Fear the Bulge posts]. You have to go where your mind wants you to go, even if they hate it. Especially. The better it is, the more they'll hate it. When they all hate it, you'll know you've made something good."

Keep it up.

Sep 27, 2016

Toyotas are reliable cars.

Sep 27, 2016

Shoes go on feet.

Sep 27, 2016

That's debatable.

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Sep 28, 2016

Delete

    • 1
Sep 29, 2016

Hardooooooo

'77 CB 750
'69 Cortina GT

Sep 29, 2016

If you guys can do better, do better. LSO is pretty formulaic after a while so i'm not sure that's the gold standard.

Also, if we're going to do "back in my day WSO was better ..." posts, I want to see Eddie's Tank a Bank post get front paged again so a new crop of you can flip out

Sep 29, 2016

good idea, will put it up next thursday

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Sep 30, 2016

That's it. I'm leaving the forum.

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Sep 30, 2016

I feel for the guy who sent this message, which, if real, is a mixture of [hilarious + creepy + 'oh no he didn't']. However, @ FTB - the fact that you have posted this shows how classy you are. All things balance out in the end, so maybe try being less condescending.

Oct 2, 2016
    • 2
Oct 3, 2016

"A modest man, with much to be modest about"