Let's talk booze. You all knew the time would come that the discussion would branch out from my tried and true (WoodfordandCreatine(tm)) and get more adventurous. There's no rules when it comes to alcohol, except obviously don't be a pussy. Try everything once.
Also, girl drinks are off limits in public. You know what? Now that I think of it, there are some rules. Vodka before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before anything, man the fuck up. Your dad was right, scotch will put hair on your chest (so will HGH, if you're up for it). Finally, when in doubt, choose from Fear The Bulge's list of the Top 10 (non-W&C) alcoholic beverages:
10) Four Loko (Old Recipe)
This has not been available in stores since early 2012 at the very latest. Am I suggesting you get on eBay and pay an outrageous sum for a five-year-old can of caffeinated malt liquor? God, no. I mean, if you want to, knock yourself out, champ. But it can be closely replicated so you can rage with extra vigor, and regret with sincerity.
The perfect end of night go-to-bed drink for when you're too drunk to remember water exists.
8) Airplane bottle of Jameson
To put in the coffee at court-ordered AA meetings.
Everyone's got a cousin who makes this stuff. Pairs well with hunting and bonfires. Does not pair well with office parties or first dates (unless in West Virginia).
6) Sparkling wine
Look, it doesn't need to be from the Champagne region in France. Bubbly is for spraying on girls at clubs that you want to spray on later at home. If whatever seedy joint you go to has Andre available for this express purpose, by all means, go with that.
5) Bulleit bourbon
It's legitimately good. It's my everyday bourbon I refuse to put any adulterants in. I keep it in my globe.
4) Beaulieu Vineyard Georges de Latour Private Reserve 2011
If I'm really feeling myself, I'll drink this during my skincare routine, but otherwise, I keep it in the globe to offer to women who come over. If I run out, I'll fill up the bottle with Charles Shaw from Trader Joe's. If she doesn't let me get away with this move, I'll consider a second date.
3) Crystal Head Vodka
Dan Ackroyd is always hilarious and his vodka is no exception. Warning: bring this bottle out at the wrong party and you better be prepared for some pompous actor to go Full Hamlet with it.
2) Pliny the Elder IPA
This is the only beer I will session when I'm not already drunk, breaking one of my own aforementioned cardinal rules. Take that as a ringing endorsement coming from this degenerate. If you don't believe me, read the reviews and get your hands on some yourself. If you're looking for the perfect showerbeer after work, this is it.
1) Laphroaig 18 Year Scotch
It's hard to put into words how good it feels to step out on the balcony with a Riedel glass full of this stuff, light up a Nat Sherman, and look down 9 stories at the plebs who aren't living the high life. I take a sip. I consider attempting to ash my cigarette on the head of a man in a dirty trenchcoat. But I feel like such a god damn gentleman in that moment, so I let him pass and ash toward the head of a Pomeranian.
That does it, monkeys. Before you question my judgment, examine your own habits and ask if they are worth writing about. If they are, feel free elaborate below (I'm right and you're wrong but go for it).
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