The Definitive Top 10 Alcoholic Beverages

Fear The Bulge's picture
Rank: King Kong | banana points 1,839

Let's talk booze. You all knew the time would come that the discussion would branch out from my tried and true (WoodfordandCreatine(tm)) and get more adventurous. There's no rules when it comes to alcohol, except obviously don't be a pussy. Try everything once.

Also, girl drinks are off limits in public. You know what? Now that I think of it, there are some rules. Vodka before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before anything, man the fuck up. Your dad was right, scotch will put hair on your chest (so will HGH, if you're up for it). Finally, when in doubt, choose from Fear The Bulge's list of the Top 10 (non-W&C) alcoholic beverages:

10) Four Loko (Old Recipe)

This has not been available in stores since early 2012 at the very latest. Am I suggesting you get on eBay and pay an outrageous sum for a five-year-old can of caffeinated malt liquor? God, no. I mean, if you want to, knock yourself out, champ. But it can be closely replicated so you can rage with extra vigor, and regret with sincerity.

9) Budweiser

The perfect end of night go-to-bed drink for when you're too drunk to remember water exists.

8) Airplane bottle of Jameson

To put in the coffee at court-ordered AA meetings.

7) Moonshine

Everyone's got a cousin who makes this stuff. Pairs well with hunting and bonfires. Does not pair well with office parties or first dates (unless in West Virginia).

6) Sparkling wine

Look, it doesn't need to be from the Champagne region in France. Bubbly is for spraying on girls at clubs that you want to spray on later at home. If whatever seedy joint you go to has Andre available for this express purpose, by all means, go with that.

5) Bulleit bourbon

It's legitimately good. It's my everyday bourbon I refuse to put any adulterants in. I keep it in my globe.

4) Beaulieu Vineyard Georges de Latour Private Reserve 2011

If I'm really feeling myself, I'll drink this during my skincare routine, but otherwise, I keep it in the globe to offer to women who come over. If I run out, I'll fill up the bottle with Charles Shaw from Trader Joe's. If she doesn't let me get away with this move, I'll consider a second date.

3) Crystal Head Vodka

Dan Ackroyd is always hilarious and his vodka is no exception. Warning: bring this bottle out at the wrong party and you better be prepared for some pompous actor to go Full Hamlet with it.

2) Pliny the Elder IPA

This is the only beer I will session when I'm not already drunk, breaking one of my own aforementioned cardinal rules. Take that as a ringing endorsement coming from this degenerate. If you don't believe me, read the reviews and get your hands on some yourself. If you're looking for the perfect showerbeer after work, this is it.

1) Laphroaig 18 Year Scotch

It's hard to put into words how good it feels to step out on the balcony with a Riedel glass full of this stuff, light up a Nat Sherman, and look down 9 stories at the plebs who aren't living the high life. I take a sip. I consider attempting to ash my cigarette on the head of a man in a dirty trenchcoat. But I feel like such a god damn gentleman in that moment, so I let him pass and ash toward the head of a Pomeranian.

That does it, monkeys. Before you question my judgment, examine your own habits and ask if they are worth writing about. If they are, feel free elaborate below (I'm right and you're wrong but go for it).

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Comments (66)

Oct 3, 2016

I drink beer without being drunk just because it's Monday. I am also not an alcoholic. Also, I didn't know you were so picky.

Oct 3, 2016

My man. Thing I'll miss the most about college.

Oct 3, 2016

It doesn't need to stop. I know of many bankers who like to unwind with a drink or two at night.

Oct 3, 2016

Beaulieu Vineyard Georges de Latour Private Reserve 2011.. up one spot and golden

Oct 3, 2016

I needed this today, thank you FTB

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Oct 3, 2016

Good list

@Frieds, thoughts?

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Oct 3, 2016

I read this and I just want to shake my head when it comes to people's choices of alcohol. Oh these poor lost souls...

Oct 3, 2016
Frieds:

I read this and I just want to shake my head when it comes to people's choices of alcohol. Oh these poor lost souls...

What is your go to?

Oct 3, 2016

That crystal head Vodka may be the most douchey think I've ever encountered.

p.s. Vodka is for pussies, Whiskey/ Scotch are all a man needs.

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Oct 3, 2016
BobTheBaker:

That crystal head Vodka may be the most douchey think I've ever encountered.

p.s. Vodka is for pussies, Whiskey/ Scotch are all a man needs.

I'd generally agree, but I'm a huge fan of Moscow mules. Delicious and hit you hard. But then again, I would readily substitute for an Irish mule if needed.

Oct 8, 2016

Readily substitute both for a Kentucky Mule. Most bourbons work fine but Maker's is the way to go.

Oct 3, 2016

ever watched Louis CK's show Horace & Pete?

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Oct 3, 2016

The goal is to get drunk why do you care if someone likes vodka over whiskey? Never understood the people who say certain booze isn't "manly" enough. Trying being a little less insecure, it'll go a long ways

Oct 3, 2016

"Man's Drink"= I buy what marketing tells me to buy

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Oct 3, 2016

whoa, learn how to take a joke bro. Perhaps you're the insecure one here?

Oct 3, 2016

"...when you're too drunk to remember water exists." Instant Classic

Best Response
Oct 3, 2016

No Bombay Sapphire?

You killed the Greece spread goes up, spread goes down, from Wall Street they all play like a freak, Goldman Sachs 'o beat.

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Oct 3, 2016

As I progress in my drinking career, I am now strictly a Johnnie Walker or Coors Light guy. The IPA hangovers hurt too bad to continue down the craft beer road.

Oct 5, 2016

Hendrick's>Bombay anytime, anyplace. But I agree, that the gin should be on the list.

Oct 5, 2016

most impactful piece of advice my father gave me:
"coors is for queers"

Oct 6, 2016

Just died laughing cause my dad was redneck as shit and said the same thing. Because Bud Light is the only true beer haha.

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Oct 3, 2016

What is it with you Americans and light beer? Tastes like drinking cooled piss. Pour yourself a Guinness, ma boy. Also, no one likes scotch. It's for kids who want to look sophisticated and old rich dudes whose kids hate them.

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Oct 3, 2016

Scotch is fucking great. You know Guinness is a dark colored light beer right? 'Incoming Analyst' - I should have known.

Bulleit, Woodford, Buffalo Trace are generally in my collection. Not much of a fancy beer guy. Also a fan of Auchentoshen Scotch, Talisker -- really any solid, $75-100 bottle of single malt will do the trick.

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Oct 3, 2016

My ex was such a drunk I'd get a buzz from eating her out. And I miss the days of 4 Loko. Literally the best thing that ever came out of Ohio State.

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Oct 3, 2016
FailedMusician:

My ex was such a drunk I'd get a buzz from eating her out.

This makes me regret the fact my GF doesn't drink. I can already imagine, a whole new incentive for diving face first into her crotch... not like I need any.

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Oct 3, 2016

Wtf is woodford and creatine? All creatine would do when mixed with alcohol is give you kidney failure.

Number 1 drink is Vodka redbull, or if you're out of redbull, mix in some preworkout and have a blast. You won't be able to apologize enough the following day, I (unfortunately) guarantee it.

Oct 3, 2016

Lmao @ preworkout and vodka. Never sell out, TopChedder.

Oct 3, 2016

Budweiser, ever

At least spring for the Steel Reserve or Hurricane. Those are basically 2 Buds shoved into 1 can for the same price. As a bonus: they're somehow not quite as shitty-tasting.

But then again, my Top 10 might just be the same list as my 10 Favorite IPAs.

"A modest man, with much to be modest about"

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Oct 11, 2016

Got to give you props for the Hurricane reference. "Brace for the smooth taste", indeed! This was all I drank in college, well mostly what I drank in college; one of the drinks I drank in college; amongst one of the alcohols I drank in college was Hurricaine, Vladimir vodka and Natty Light/Ice.

Oct 3, 2016

Seagrams Gin and tonic all day long. They go down like water and leave you feeling marginally less horrible than whiskey and cokes do in the morning.

Oct 6, 2016

Kraken Rum should be at least #8

"It is better to have a friendship based on business, than a business based on friendship." - Rockefeller.

"Live fast, die hard. Leave a good looking body." - Navy SEAL

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Oct 4, 2016

One of the first times I went out legally, I ordered a long island iced tea. My bartender friend advised that wasn't really an ideal drink to order when trying to impress someone (if I was on a date, with coworkers etc.) and advised me to order Bulleitt Bourbon. I can totally agree with this list, although I still need to try drinks 1-4. Thanks for the contribution.

Oct 4, 2016
  1. Founders All Day IPA
  2. Bulleit, also try the Rye for a change of pace
  3. Negroni
  4. Glenlivet 12
  5. Tanqueray and fever tree tonic
Oct 5, 2016

I prefer the Rye to the Bourbon

Oct 5, 2016

Just looking at that picture of the four loko gave me the shakes

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Oct 5, 2016

This. Fuck that stuff. Twice.

Oct 5, 2016

had a buddy who use to funnel these - three years out of school and I still think its awesome

Oct 5, 2016

Surprised there's no mention of tequila on the list. I'd put a lot of premium tequilas up against a single malt scotch any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Plus there's this:

metro.co.uk/2016/09/16/the-la-wellness-crowd-are-now-saying-that-tequila-is-the-most-body-friendly-tipple-6131329/

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Oct 5, 2016

I found the lack of tequila odd as well.

and chage the bulleit bourbon to their rye version, please

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Oct 3, 2016

The people who drink quality tequila don't often discuss the fact that they prefer a quality anejo to most other liquors. Plus you can't find a good selection of high end tequilas at many bars.

Personally, I will drink Mezcal over Tequila, but I won't discriminate on against the pride of Jalisco if offered a quality dram.

Oct 20, 2016

Was just about to mention that as well +1

Oct 5, 2016

Angel's Envy Bourbon, also tastes good mixed with Disaronno.

Oct 5, 2016

Bulleit is a great go-to bourbon (Bulleit rye is also great), but I think it's also ok to mix with it and go further up to Blanton's or Jefferson Reserve for drinking neat or on the rocks

Oct 4, 2016

+1 for Jefferson

Oct 5, 2016

What about butterbeer? How does that not qualify?

Oct 5, 2016

Idk where you're located but in NYC you can buy 4 loko at pretty much every 7-11

Oct 15, 2016

You're in NYC and you go to 7-11?

Oct 5, 2016

This is the best list on this site.

Oct 5, 2016

Fear The Bulge, you make this site great again

Oct 5, 2016

White trash meets alcohol? Still appreciate your posts none the less

Oct 3, 2016

Well... you're missing this... PBR!!!

Oct 7, 2016

That was entertaining!

I'll second the Guinness nomination and add Beefeater Gibson to the list...especially if the goal is to black out and wake up in a hotel lobby (except not the lobby of YOUR hotel).

Oct 9, 2016

Sierra Nevada harvest
Lagunitas Ipa
Glendronach 15
Highland park 15
Lagavulin 16

Oct 10, 2016

Woahh
A drink of tito's vodka and all of lives problems are solved.

Oct 3, 2016

discovered a new one this weekend: pickleback shots. quite the crowd pleaser.

Oct 7, 2016

Is this pickle juice and vodka?

Oct 3, 2016

no. shot of Jamo followed by pickle juice as a chaser. some bar in NYC

Oct 11, 2016

All you chumps and your Bulleit. You do know this swill is mass produced in Indiana and nothing about it is 'craft', right? You can find 17 other brands that have the exact same taste because they came from the exact same distiller.

Get a clue and by some Hudson. Better yet, head out to the country on a Saturday and hit their distillery.

Oct 15, 2016

Hudson is amazing. Agree with you on Bulleit. I'll be honest, I save my money and go for Old GrandDad. Cheaper, stronger, and is actually a solid bourbon. Tastes better than most bottles in the $30-45 range.

Oct 4, 2016

I don't think anyone buying a $20 bottle of Bulleit was purchasing it because its "craft"

Oct 11, 2016

Are we all pretending that we don't know the perfect order that shows you know what you are doing: "Lagavulin 16"

Nov 15, 2016

Hard to argue with Pliny, stuff is amazing.

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