Wedding Called Off - Now What?

Well fellow monkeys after three years of being together, the fiance and I got within two months of our wedding date and decided to (somewhat) mutually call it off (her initial idea). I think I would have preferred to push the wedding into next year after my studying for CFA lvl. 3 wrapped up and give it another shot, but she thought otherwise deciding she couldn't go through another six months of studying and my focus being on that and not her.

She's moving out over the long weekend as I head back home for a fantasy football draft and to see my family. Luckily, her parents are mostly on the hook for wedding expenses and not me - however, I had already booked our honeymoon to Thailand (w/o travel insurance...) for a hefty $2,100 for the flight. Curious if anyone has any experience/advice in how to recoup as much of that money as possible?

I'm thankful to be just 27 with a solid job in the Midwest at a long-only fund, but I'd love to hear some thoughts/advice about how and what to do next as I get back on my feet.

 

You’re 27 working at a hedge fund in a tier 1 city. You will tear it up in the dating scene. Your wife is the one that might have some trouble.

Also, I believe you can change the flight to another destination / date and pay the change fee. Go visit a friend or something. Or just go to Thailand? Don’t let the 2k go to waste

 

At least you're not like Ainsley who Kash left at. the. alter!!! But now Ainsley's BFF for life is in love with Kash but afraid to act for fear of ruining her friendship with Ainsley. The only reason Ainsley would be upset is jealousy though and if that's her reason, she's a shit friend. Ainsley should be removed from the friend group.

heister: Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad. https://arthuxtable.com/
 
Most Helpful

As someone who has been in a relationship for 6 years and is set to be married in the next year or so I'll do my best to provide some advice.

1.) You seem pretty ho-hum about this... you just lost the woman you were (supposedly) going to spend the rest of your life with and you're talking about the cost of a plane ticket, did you really want to marry her? 2.) You guys called off a marriage over CFA studies... either you're not telling the whole story, or... you didn't really want to marry her and she picked that up. 3.) If you really want to be with her then you need to do whatever you can to mend the situation, or you will regret it in the future. 4.) If you realize you never wanted to marry her then congrats, you dodged a bullet. In which case you don't need to "get back on your feet", you should celebrate. 5.) As for your Thailand ticket, why not just go and enjoy yourself? It's a beautiful place. Maybe try and get some bros together and one of them takes on the ticket I assume you bought for the would-be wife.

Array
 

All reasonable points. I think I just didn't feel like re-hashing the story for the umpteenth time. She was the driving force behind calling off the wedding - I tried to get her to reconsider or at least move the wedding to next year and work through things, but she didn't want to go that route. Trust me, I've spent the last 1.5 weeks pleading my case with her but she decided she couldn't do another CFA exam season so maybe, to your point, she was the one who needed a reason to get out the relationship and that was easiest to target.

I've always been one to put a positive spin on things so I'm not trying to sit around and be depressed - it was just a bit of shock when the conversation initially came up. My intent now is to move tf on so that was the reasoning behind the post.

As for talking about the expenses and flight - yeah, there's a little sense of relief it's not my parents or me paying for the cancellation of the venue since I didn't want this outcome. As for the ticket, I'm with you on that as I've considered just going and spending more time in Japan (vs. all of it in Thailand) to see more of Asia given it's a 12 day round trip.

I appreciate the well thought out response though.

 

Maybe you could have just postponed the CFA studying? Maybe she wanted more time with you but has figured that you are going to love your career over her and that’s why she called it off. If you can demonstrate the opposite, there still may be hope.

 

Also you can’t just “postpone” weddings like that for reasons other than financial. I know this website trivializes canceling rearranging plans but indirectly you’ve told her you love the CFA (your career) over her .

 
ManzielsMoneyPhone:

All reasonable points. I think I just didn't feel like re-hashing the story for the umpteenth time. She was the driving force behind calling off the wedding - I tried to get her to reconsider or at least move the wedding to next year and work through things, but she didn't want to go that route. Trust me, I've spent the last 1.5 weeks pleading my case with her but she decided she couldn't do another CFA exam season so maybe, to your point, she was the one who needed a reason to get out the relationship and that was easiest to target.

I've always been one to put a positive spin on things so I'm not trying to sit around and be depressed - it was just a bit of shock when the conversation initially came up. My intent now is to move tf on so that was the reasoning behind the post.

As for talking about the expenses and flight - yeah, there's a little sense of relief it's not my parents or me paying for the cancellation of the venue since I didn't want this outcome. As for the ticket, I'm with you on that as I've considered just going and spending more time in Japan (vs. all of it in Thailand) to see more of Asia given it's a 12 day round trip.

I appreciate the well thought out response though.

Let’s take the harsh reality into consideration Your ex to be wife was a time waster with child mentality unable to understand your life. Definitely looking for a reason to end up the relationship and just looking for the perfect reason. Most probably with an ego bigger than my chocolate bar. Why do you waste energy even thinking about her? Move on and find someone who is at least capable of understanding you and your life needs.

Sounds to me that you where “the nice guy” in this whole story...

In regards to the plane ticket, just call the company and see if you can get a refund or what other options do you have, perhaps consider going? Make a gift to your parents? Take some buddies on a trip to Thailand?

 
BobTheBaker:
As someone who has been in a relationship for 6 years and is set to be married in the next year or so I'll do my best to provide some advice.

1.) You seem pretty ho-hum about this... you just lost the woman you were (supposedly) going to spend the rest of your life with and you're talking about the cost of a plane ticket, did you really want to marry her? 2.) You guys called off a marriage over CFA studies... either you're not telling the whole story, or... you didn't really want to marry her and she picked that up. 3.) If you really want to be with her then you need to do whatever you can to mend the situation, or you will regret it in the future. 4.) If you realize you never wanted to marry her then congrats, you dodged a bullet. In which case you don't need to "get back on your feet", you should celebrate. 5.) As for your Thailand ticket, why not just go and enjoy yourself? It's a beautiful place. Maybe try and get some bros together and one of them takes on the ticket I assume you bought for the would-be wife.

This.

You dodged a bullet and so did she. Lesson learned. $2k is a small price to pay. If you still have it, use it. Find another buddy and go hang out. No buddies or siblings can come? Ok. Use your half of it. Hit the beach, drinks, read books, volunteer, eat Durian, explore.

As for the rest of dating life and what not, feel free to take your time. Everyone goes at their own pace. It's just key to realize when you are in a rut and to try and get out, or not get into a rut in the first place. That said, you don't have to rush into anything.

Wherever you are now, clearly you probably have a lot more free time. Like I said above, feel free to take some time. Maybe keep a journal or something and write it. Then go and explore. Volunteer for a bunch of things, work out, learn a new skill, go on dates and keep it chill, play sports, pick up a new hobby. In short, try things until you find something that you like and want to commit to and other things will fall into place.

Good Luck

I used to do Asia-Pacific PE (kind of like FoF). Now I do something else but happy to try and answer questions on that stuff.
 

Thank you sir, this is more along the lines of what I was seeking with my OP. This community has some experienced, thoughtful members whom I was hoping to root out.

Volunteering was something I've considered since the split, as is remodeling various shit at my house. I think I should do alright finding things to keep me both busy and growing myself organically, but I appreciate the list you gave.

Going to call the airline (Japan Airlines) and see what can be done and if it's transferable to someone else.

 

Also, the Durian fruit smells terrible but it taste delicious and is nutritious, I have tried it before. Believe me, cover your nose and then eat it.

"It's okay, I'll see you on the other side"
 

Yeah, you're right it probably is good I didn't get married. I wanted to wait on the wedding until after the CFA anyways - mistake #1 was allowing it to get scheduled before the CFA was over. Fair to say, I can't predict the future and couldn't foresee this outcome 10 months ago.

As for the rest of your anonymous response, could not care less - I'm not a world traveler (went to the DR once), but there's people on here who obviously are and was looking for tips on saving $2000, sue me. You seem like you got life by the balls though, bud. Enjoy.

 

I believe you can recoup most of the value of the flight by applying the value to another flight of your choice and paying a change fee which is only a fraction of the ticket cost. Of course, your new flight will have to be as expensive, or more expensive, than the old one if you want to maximize value. So find someplace nice to go.

 

The obvious play here is: go to Thailand and find her replacement. I would imagine a successful, young, American hedgie could pull an absolute smokeshow in Thailand. Just think of the sting the ex is going to feel when you go on *her *honeymoon, have an awesome time without *her *and come back with a perfect 10 on your arm while she's stuck in the Midwest watching the Cuyahoga burn and second guessing her decision. Also, that way you're only out 25% of your two round trips and your smart, sexy new fiance can help you study for level three. Best of luck and have fun!

 

i agree with the above posters that a girl who breaks up with her fiance because he works too hard, at the age of 27, is an idiot, and not worthy of your time, emotions, or, access to your life. You indeed dodged a bullet.

there are literally thousands of smokeshows walking the streets of every major city in the world...go find one with half a brain who treats you like a king. Clearly, this girl did not.

just google it...you're welcome
 

Just wondering, can you actually change the name of her ticket to someone else you want to go with? If she wanted to be married to you for the rest of her, what does six months of studying for CFA mean so much to her that she wants to call it quits? Well, putting it into a better situation, at least you and her aren't getting divorced and have child custody battles. I don't think she is the right person for you. You deserve better, improving your career I think doesn't justify just calling off a wedding. I feel like maybe she is rushing it or she wants to do her own thing.

"It's okay, I'll see you on the other side"
 

I don’t think there’s much I can contribute here others haven’t already covered. Except, I find it strange that she was so put off by ~6 months of CFA studying. She already knows about your career, this shouldn’t be a surprise... and if you’re studying over the course of 6 months, I’m sure you’re not studying 12 hrs a day on weekends; I’d imagine you have some time for her here and there... Assuming this wasn’t just an excuse for her to get out, it just seems a bit ... selfish? But then, I’m speaking as a woman in finance, so I imagine my views are a bit skewed.

Or there’s just simply a misalignment of expectations and level of compromise. In that case, guess you guys both got out before it potentially gets messy down the line.

On going to Japan on top of Thailand - good choice. TONS to do there.

 

Keep in mind we are only hearing one side of the story (that no doubt has bias). When I tried to ask OP what his hours were at the hedge fund, he didn't comment but has commented on other people's posts after. So I think that that definitely had an impact but he doesn't want to admit it. tldr There comes a point in high finance where you have to make the choice between a girl and a career and he has appeared to choose his career.

 

Yes, we’re only getting his side of the story, but it’s not like she’s going to come here and post. So you either respond based on the info he provided, or you ask him and he can give you more info to go on or not.

It’s probably not just the CFA, which a lot of people have said or questioned/found strange.... but even if it’s relating to time spent in career, they’ve been at it for a few years now and were about to get married. I think at that point, you have to accept that OP’s hours are OP’s hours. And if there was an issue with it, the discussion and thoughts on compromising should be had before getting married.

So if the bigger story is he hardly spends time with her because he’s busy with work / things relating to work... she would either have to (1) accept that given he works in finance, (2) talk to him and they figure out a compromise (or talk about expectations) before jumping in, (3) go their separate ways. It sounds like she wasn’t comfortable with it so she moved on, and he seems fine too so it worked out.

 

Not at a hedge fund - work at a long only. Hours are ~45 a week and add 15 when studying. So no I don't believe the hours were an issue - I think to kanon point below, it was a matter of expectations which weren't set beforehand (something I struggled to do ahead of time throughout the relationship - going to live and learn from that) and both struggling to accept a compromise.

 

Wherever you are now, clearly you probably have a lot more free time. Like I said above, feel free to take some time. Maybe keep a journal or something and write it. Then go and explore. Volunteer for a bunch of things, work out, learn a new skill, go on dates and keep it chill, play sports, pick up a new hobby. In short, try things until you find something that you like and want to commit to and other things will fall into place.

 

I'm gonna echo some of the points raised above. This was a life-changing decision, and a trade you only want to do once. It didn't sound like either of you was appropriately invested in this. Marriage gets MUCH harder than what she had been experiencing so far - such as you not focusing on her while studying for CFA. I mean, wait till someone gets sick, or bankrupt, or has parents/inlaws start f'ing with your life. Or how about raising kids? Got any idea how much THAT messes with your timetable? Man, if she split over a 6 month CFA study delay, count your blessings. Things were going to get WAY harder in the future, and she wasn't in it for the long-haul.

As for Thailand trip - seems to me like the perfect gettaway to reset your mind, following the breakup. But if it's not what you want to do, call the airline and see what they can do for ya.

 

Her wanting to call off the wedding over CFA studies does not make much sense. I assume that you are studying for the CFA exams to advance in your career, which would benefit her. My advice is study hard for the next exam, get a promotion or a better job and find another woman. (Not in any particular order)

 

Most women seem to be the ones fixated on marriage and getting the ring/kids going on their schedule, so for her to break it off seems like she def had some backup plans in mind. You don’t seem too flustered by it, good for you, life goes on.

Also, how was her top game?

 

I am speaking from the heart here OP. I have yet to read other comments yet because I want to make sure I write this down for you first. Take it at face value.

My gf and I broke up 2 weeks ago after dating 3+ years (we also planned to get engaged, our families loved us, I at least had ambitious plans to have a large family etc) Similar reasons which may have sparked the break up (most of my energy was on work/work education, tried to repair a splintered ship, etc) . I am almost 26 now. I spent about 2 days in full mourning (of the relationship, the time/resource sink, etc), and utilized that time as the opportunity to expend that emotion to clear my head and to rethink my trajectory and analyze the current paths.

Here is my advice: Realize that, as a man, you are **not **going to have the same support networks keeping you afloat and supporting you as women do, at least to the same extent. Women are notorious monkey branchers. My gut tells me that trying to repair this situation would put you at both a resource and emotional disadvantage, and it is also path which the majority are utterly demolished and ruined. The house is 90% on fire: do you try to save the 10% or let it collapse, live another day, and build another house? That choice is up to you, not her. Men are the gatekeepers of relationships. With all this being said... What defines you, as a man, is not the ability to curb your emotions which you are probably being hit with. What defines and separates man from women and all other creatures in world is our ability to step back, use reason, and evaluate/make decisions while under these emotions. I would honestly encourage you to recoup whatever you can from that costly trip, and use it to go on a personal hiatus, even if its the same destination.

You need to clear your mind. You need to take some time to first expel and get the emotions flowing out of you (properly, and not just behind a bottle or doing degenerate activities as a distraction). You need to do "after action review" but for your past relationship. Realize that, as a man, you either elevate or stagnate and die; the only logical way to move is one foot forward. I strongly recommend you keep an "after action review" for daily or no less than weekly logging...you have to remain self-aware because I have seen way to many guys either fall off a cliff after a such a life event, or they morphed into a shell of their former selves (some guys after an event like this ONLY focus on their career...slowly become unrecognizable to everyone and everything because they kept investing on only one category of their lives.

I am going through something similar as you my man and I feel for you. Let the gates open momentarily to release the excess, take some time to reflect, rationalize, and re-evaluate, and then start channeling those remaining streams to different areas of your life in order to be the best man you possible can. Feel free to PM me if you want to hash it out one on one dude.

Godspeed.

 

Since I know nothing about your life or the situation beyond what you've described, I'm not going to provide advice on something I barely understand. I assume you'll be fine. People break up all the time. There are probably 10-15 billion break-ups among the people currently living on the planet, a couple hundred million engagements that have fallen apart and about as many weddings that have been called off. I mean, I'd bet there are 1-2 billion divorcees currently living. I didn't look any of these stats up, but if they're even remotely true, then you're in good company.

As for the airline tickets, either use them or call the airline. A cursory Google search reveals:

"Reservations must be cancelled before the departure of the first flight. Please note that once a ticket has been purchased through www.ar.jal.co.jp, all refunds will be subject to a refund service charge or a cancellation penalty in accordance with the fare rules, whichever is higher"

That's the Japan Airlines cancellation policy. It seems you should be able to get most of your money back. The cancellation penalty might be steep, but it's not likely to be 50% of your ticket costs.

While I'd be tempted to just change the name on her ticket and bring another woman, that's probably a bad idea. Firstly, taking someone to Thailand is a serious move. You'd probably come across as creepy if you invited someone you only recently met to accompany you on a vacation to Thailand in two months.

What I'd do--ask to exchange both tickets for a business class trip by yourself somewhere else. Let shit get weird. You don't need a travel companion. Get into some weird, weird shit. In fact, if you're going to do things outside your norm, it's better to bring no witnesses. You don't need to be reminded of 'that time we were on vacation' the next time you grab drinks with your friends. Given that you already have tickets with Japan Airlines, I'd ask to switch your destination to Tokyo, see if they'll upgrade you, get yourself a decent hotel, eat some good food, drink some fancy cocktails, and maybe hook up with a Japanese chick.

Or--see if karma swings in your favor and donate the tickets. Maybe something good will come from it.

 
ManzielsMoneyPhone:
Well fellow monkeys after three years of being together, the fiance and I got within two months of our wedding date and decided to (somewhat) mutually call it off (her initial idea). I think I would have preferred to push the wedding into next year after my studying for CFA lvl. 3 wrapped up and give it another shot, but she thought otherwise deciding she couldn't go through another six months of studying and my focus being on that and not her.

Wait...did you break up because of the CFA?

Commercial Real Estate Developer
 
  • Check refund policy with airline - maybe you can get cash back or a voucher for a different flight (usually good for 1 year)

  • If refund/change is impossible, go enjoy the trip yourself (perhaps with a friend if you already paid for both ends?)

  • Don't waste your life trying to make amends if she called it off, move onward and upward

  • As others have already said, you're in a fine position to rebuild yourself personally and find your next partner (or don't, maybe you'll find you prefer to remain single for a while!)

Good luck my friend

I'm into, uh, well, murders and executions, mostly.
 

Hey man, I unfortunately don't have much advice for you on how to get back on your feet but the fact that you're calling off a wedding for what seems like "study time" makes me think you shouldn't be getting married in the first place. There could be more to the story but that exam is not worth cutting off time with your s/o (speaking from experience) and although it can come in the way of relationships, it's pretty easy to work around. Anyways, you seem pretty nonchalant about it and I feel like dating is as easy as ever so good luck to you.

 

I have a different take. I'm glad you guys have broken it off, but the forum has to stop pretending "she broke up because of the CFA." The way I see it, you broke up with her by moving your (extremely important) wedding date for some (fairly meaningless) test that you could probably pass anyway with fewer, more focused study hours or just take it next year at worst case.

This should be a red flag for you. You can work hard and study hard, but you have some major takeaways if you treat your next relationship the way this one went. No girl (that isn't cheating) is going to tolerate a dude not giving any substantial attention. You will always find some excuse to work more, particularly as you climb up the ranks. Relationships are built on compromise.Carve out time for people that are meaningful to you, such as your SO and friends, or you will find yourself with money and nothing else.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
 

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Array
 

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