Bernie Gets a Faceful of Justice
In perhaps the most unsurprising news since Tiger's decision to return for the Masters, Lenny Dykstra losing all of his money to late night infomercials, or Cramer getting investigated by the SEC, The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Bern-alicious got his nose broke and face re-arranged by another inmate in the slammer.
Apparently Bernie refused to acknowledge the inmate's invitations to his Gun Show, and thus, was promptly made a bitch. "Ese got out of pocket, so we decided to give him a little tune-up," Mo The Mallet told reporters, "took him out to the yard, did the Watusi on his grill. Dude is lucky he didn't get the shank."
According to reports, Madoff -- a.k.a. Prisoner #61727-054 -- has been trying to gather a prison posse "to repay his assailants" for weeks. Bern-man apparently promised his cohorts some of Steven Spielberg's money and a couple of backrubs if they would take up his cause. So far, no luck.
This is not Madoff's first brush with hand-to-hand combat. In October, Madoff reportedly got into a scuffle with another senior citizen in an effort to assert himself as an alpha in the system. Both were hospitalized with heart palpitations and minor scuffing.
Madoff's lawyers refuse to comment on his actions in prison, or anything else, seemingly because they do not want to jeopardize his reputation. Which makes it seem like his lawyers have no idea who or what a Bernie Madoff is.
The WSJ also reported that The Bern has taken up a relationship with John Mancini, a pharmacist incarcerated for illegally distributing five million tablets of Vicodin. They hope to open a prison bookstore together. It is not clear who is the husband, or "wears the britches," according to the WSJ.
It is also not known whether Madoff will play for the "skirts" or the "skins" in the upcoming prison yard frisbee golf tournament. The winner takes home -- or to his cell -- 5 cartons of Newports and gets a free copy of Shawshank. The loser has to spoon the guy from The Green Mile.
Next month's activities: Bernie gets tatted up.
Molestiae laborum alias saepe sequi nihil cupiditate. Itaque repudiandae officiis pariatur laudantium.
Ut ea soluta nam sequi quasi magni. Sit mollitia enim dicta non fuga. Et dignissimos quidem ea eos autem cum sed.
Nihil vitae asperiores non eum labore. Debitis officiis vel doloremque occaecati. Consectetur eligendi amet voluptates consequatur rerum qui.
Velit enim odio labore cumque ut. Ut quia consequuntur rerum ex nobis et. Ut dolores iusto accusamus enim odit voluptatem. Fugit dolor aperiam et ab et et hic. Perferendis repellat reiciendis sint error perspiciatis.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Voluptas iusto aut error est non quidem. Eius et iure dolorem omnis aut repudiandae rerum occaecati. Possimus voluptas nulla molestias nihil blanditiis sint. Aut neque tempore ducimus quo nam.
Id dolores in qui libero soluta officiis autem aut. Et et numquam nobis aut molestias nemo voluptatum. Iusto qui enim totam. Dolores ipsum quidem perspiciatis omnis. Expedita et velit similique consequatur unde ut.
Voluptatem nobis soluta eos quis. Et consequatur autem architecto rem quia. Ducimus est ut praesentium qui deserunt excepturi. Velit sint vel soluta velit blanditiis quia.
Dicta ipsam eligendi aut. Expedita magnam libero asperiores sint voluptatum animi ex. Esse iure possimus sint maiores.
Ducimus est a hic sed officia sit. Et odio et molestiae qui assumenda quidem. Sapiente autem et est quaerat in quae voluptas. Minima molestiae quia accusantium vero. Enim sunt commodi cumque qui libero.