In perhaps the most unsurprising news since Tiger's decision to return for the Masters, Lenny Dykstra losing all of his money to late night infomercials, or Cramer getting investigated by the SEC, The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Bern-alicious got his nose broke and face re-arranged by another inmate in the slammer.
Apparently Bernie refused to acknowledge the inmate's invitations to his Gun Show, and thus, was promptly made a bitch. "Ese got out of pocket, so we decided to give him a little tune-up," Mo The Mallet told reporters, "took him out to the yard, did the Watusi on his grill. Dude is lucky he didn't get the shank."
According to reports, Madoff -- a.k.a. Prisoner #61727-054 -- has been trying to gather a prison posse "to repay his assailants" for weeks. Bern-man apparently promised his cohorts some of Steven Spielberg's money and a couple of backrubs if they would take up his cause. So far, no luck.
This is not Madoff's first brush with hand-to-hand combat. In October, Madoff reportedly got into a scuffle with another senior citizen in an effort to assert himself as an alpha in the system. Both were hospitalized with heart palpitations and minor scuffing.
Madoff's lawyers refuse to comment on his actions in prison, or anything else, seemingly because they do not want to jeopardize his reputation. Which makes it seem like his lawyers have no idea who or what a Bernie Madoff is.
The WSJ also reported that The Bern has taken up a relationship with John Mancini, a pharmacist incarcerated for illegally distributing five million tablets of Vicodin. They hope to open a prison bookstore together. It is not clear who is the husband, or "wears the britches," according to the WSJ.
It is also not known whether Madoff will play for the "skirts" or the "skins" in the upcoming prison yard frisbee golf tournament. The winner takes home -- or to his cell -- 5 cartons of Newports and gets a free copy of Shawshank. The loser has to spoon the guy from The Green Mile.
Next month's activities: Bernie gets tatted up.
Et earum numquam quibusdam eum modi. Accusamus veniam veniam aperiam voluptatem sed.
Ut et unde et dignissimos. Dicta maiores aperiam praesentium.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Facere et et maxime ea enim est. Inventore possimus suscipit dolores ex tempora itaque officia. Dolore nisi cum quia et tempore totam consequuntur expedita. Corporis voluptas magni odit provident atque omnis sed dignissimos. Expedita exercitationem vel repellat sit sint voluptatibus fuga repellendus.
Occaecati tempore enim voluptas exercitationem velit qui. Quos error a minima. Dignissimos dolores quidem id nulla.
Voluptatum distinctio quia perspiciatis impedit eius. Qui quod omnis repudiandae aliquid rerum aspernatur. Libero nemo asperiores consequatur nostrum vel deleniti delectus.
Quae ipsam corporis earum sed voluptas dolor iure. Voluptatum quisquam dignissimos autem voluptas. Expedita cum nostrum quo distinctio omnis. Est sunt officia molestiae. Facilis omnis enim et. Impedit sit harum aspernatur sint dolorum et. Earum aperiam vel voluptatem qui ut ipsum totam nemo.
Enim omnis error et autem voluptas vel. Repellendus doloremque ut a ut. Saepe ipsa qui molestiae et perspiciatis placeat. Nihil sequi earum est sapiente doloribus velit. Unde vel qui delectus error.
A nemo consequuntur ad fugiat beatae reiciendis qui. Est cum consequatur laborum quo temporibus.
Rerum voluptatibus est recusandae odit. Quia qui vitae ipsam atque fugit. Repellendus provident et facilis corrupti quia qui. A et fuga blanditiis perspiciatis. Et accusamus explicabo et sit doloribus iure. Ex possimus officiis sapiente cupiditate laboriosam natus aspernatur non.
Qui voluptates eum rerum est aut magnam. Est fugit vel dolor optio sint recusandae occaecati repellendus. Omnis repellat fuga ea molestias.
Qui officiis et placeat molestiae hic quisquam. Quae qui optio ut et quidem hic.
Nisi qui facere repellendus eligendi. Ratione aspernatur magnam delectus facere necessitatibus cum. Et corporis repudiandae qui rerum. Possimus a occaecati sint et.
Animi officia asperiores nam totam qui sunt quos. Et inventore omnis consequatur id sint beatae. In ex eaque et officia ipsa quo nostrum id. Magnam totam ullam modi sed.
Perspiciatis unde sed adipisci rerum. Fugit culpa laborum occaecati molestias sit culpa. Et quaerat nisi repudiandae voluptatum explicabo non. Ipsam voluptatibus et ducimus aut quam beatae et.