Shit on my cold email

I know there are a hundred threads on this, but I feel like I've taken the advice of most of them, and I'm not getting the best results. Maybe a couple of problem points that I want some feedback on are:

• Maybe it's too template-y.
• Do you think it might be too informal by bringing up their hobby?
• I want feedback on whether or not I'm scaring people off by offering an in-person chat instead of just an online chat.

Some other possibilities are that it is August and late July, so it could be possible that consulting firms are just packed with students' emails. Let me know your guys' thoughts.

For more context, I go to a semi-target and have not been attaching my resume in the emails. I know in finance you should definitely put the resume in, but I'm not sure about consulting. A mentor of mine told me not to, but I'm open to feedback. 

Subject: I've tried different ones, some standard: school student has a quick question/school student interested in your experience at Firm, to more personalized ones

Hi Name,

Hope you've had a great week.

I'm Name, a junior at school studying business. I came across your profile and noticed you were the TA for the [hobby: pickleball/surfing/yoga] class at Blank. I was planning on taking this class next spring, and I wanted to know if it was beginner-friendly.

I'm also interested in consulting and would love to hear about your experience doing commercial due diligence within the Blank sector at [T2: EYP, Strategy&, L.E.K., Simon-Kucher].

Would you be open to a quick 15-minute call sometime Wednesday through Friday after 3 pm to learn more about your journey? I'm based in Blank, so if you're working near the office and prefer grabbing coffee over a call, I'm happy to drop by!

I know you're busy, so it's no worries if you can't right now. Thank you again for your time and have a great day!

Best,
Blank

Any feedback is appreciated!