Exclusive Leak: Powell’s Next Move—Buying Up Every Asset on Earth!

Alright, folks, buckle up because I've got the scoop of the century! My cousin’s best friend’s neighbor’s dog walker overheard a conversation at the Fed, and let me tell you, Powell’s gone full Bond villain on us.

Word on the street is that Jerome “The Printer” Powell is about to unveil the mother of all QE programs—QE∞ (that’s right, QE to infinity, baby!). But here’s the kicker: They’re not just buying bonds anymore. Oh no, that’s child’s play. Powell’s plan? The Fed’s going to buy literally every asset on Earth.

We’re talking stocks, real estate, crypto, art, Beanie Babies, Pokémon cards—if it exists, the Fed’s buying it. Rumor has it that Powell even has plans to scoop up your mom’s antique spoon collection and your neighbor’s lawn gnomes. Why? Because who needs free markets when you can have free money?

And don’t even think about inflation. Powell’s new motto is “Print first, ask questions never.” Apparently, the Fed’s strategy is to inflate the economy so much that we’ll all be billionaires—because that’s how economics works, right? Who cares if a gallon of milk costs $10,000 when everyone’s rolling in cash?

But the best part? The Fed’s planning a special QE bonus round where they’ll start buying up your debts! Student loans, credit cards, that sketchy payday loan you took out—poof, gone! Powell’s like the Oprah of central banking: “You get a bailout! You get a bailout! Everyone gets a bailout!”

So, what should you do? Buy everything, sell nothing, and pray that Powell doesn’t stop until he’s bought your soul too. Because at this rate, we’re all going to be trillionaires by next Tuesday.