Computer Science is Paradise

You did it. After 10000 hours of memorizing SAT math questions, you got into an extremely prestigious school that your racist extended family has no idea exists. You decide to major in computer science because let’s face it, you’re a nerd. Even though you’ve made some questionable decisions (like trying to ask out that cute senior in your Calc 2 class) you made the right choice. 

After 4 years of getting 0 play and watching Brad chug natty lite from the 9th-floor window of your comp sci building, grinding through leetcode bullshit, and 2 FAANG internships, you’ve got recruiters headhunting you like you’re a blonde sitting alone at a dive bar. Some San Fransico startup focused on turning moldy bread into IPAs offers you 200k, but someplace called Shitadel says they’ll pay you 350k all in to push buttons (as long as you can sleep with the empty feeling of contributing nothing to society). You ask MoldIPA if they can up the ante a little, and they say they'll give you 250k and 2 million in stock vesting over 4 years. You sign. 

It’s easy. After a few years of writing javascript for 3 hours and playing video games for the rest of the day, MoldPA goes public and your shares are now worth a cool 10M. You cash out, and decide to build your own startup focused on selling the data of old people who try to use dating websites. 

You want more money, so you go to the VC firm next door from your SF penthouse, and you prepare to give them your pitch. You clear your breath -- “Hello! I’m a CS grad from Stanf--” One of the principals interrupts you like you’re a shitty district attorney and they’re the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse case. 

“How much do you want?”

You say 50M cause it's a nice even number. 

You decide to walk into HBS to network more for your brand new company. It’s filled with people like Brad who used to do something called investment banking. They brag about their pay -- you do the mental math (that interview grind prepared you well) and gasp as you realize these poor fuckers were making 20 bucks an hour. That’s like, half the minimum wage in the Bay Area. 

You work on your company, and after a few weeks, you get bought out by some of the Brads and Chads you knew from HBS. They do something called Private Equity now. They tell you it’s so much better than what they used to do, and how it's the new banking, but like, prestigious. You smile and nod as their boss hands you a check for 4 times what you got to start the company.

Life is good.