Feeling that I’m bad at Finance Post Bonus
I currently finished my first year at a very strong group at a mid BB. I had a rough start especially pre Thanksgiving as I struggled getting used to working under immense stress and lack of sleep during a busy live deal and didn't produce my best work. I was also not the most fortunate when it came to my first staffings and got put on deals with some individuals that everyone wants to avoid/rolls their teams, which made things even harder.After the New Years, my attitude change a lot and I started focusing even more and putting extra effort to being good at my job (studying on weekends and seeking guidance). I was also able to find people that I enjoyed working with and the deals with the rough individuals became dead. For the past 8 months I have been getting very good reviews and had no issues with anyone, which made me believe that I was a strong performer and my hard work was paying off.I recently got my bonus and was given a number that was incredibly low, basically a "we think you should leave" number. The bonus has rocked my confidence and I'm struggling to find motivation in my work and trying to understand if finance is still a path for me or if I should leave. I really thought I was doing a good job and performing well due to the reviews so I don't understand how apparently I wasn't just good as the other analysts in my class. I been catching up with most of my associates and they all have good things to say about me and my work even the harshest one enjoys working with me so I'm just shocked at the message that the bonus sent me.Has anyone ever experienced something like this? I'm just struggling to move forward and use it as motivation. The only alternative I see is finding a new job and using my previous experience as a motivation but I'm nervous that I just might be bad at finance overall and a bad employee and I'm going to be bad at whatever place I join.
It’s just a tough pill to swallow that I worked so hard and tried so hard and was getting good feedback based on my effort but it was mostly for nothing as I could had made more doing a 9-5. So many late nights and so many sacrifices were made and I was happy and proud of myself that I was good at my job based on my teams’ feedback just to be told you are shit when it came to the bonus. Everyone in my class that I talked to got 4-5x more than me, even the lateral hires that have been here less than 6 months whose work I had to clean up and review on teams.
If the associates are giving you largely positive reviews, I would speak to VPs and MDs to see where you can improve. Evidently, someone saw a critical issue with you and it may be something trivial but you should see what the issue is. After that, start looking for other places to work. If associates think you are doing work and you can handle IB, you are cut out for the job. You just need to find some place that will value you and where you fit in well. You are at a BB so you have a ton of options of other places to go. Get back on the networking and application grind. Things will be okay.
I highly doubt you are bad at finance. Sadly, first impressions are critically important. By your own admission, you struggled in the beginning and didn't produce your best work. Even though you improved later, the perception lingered of you being a non-performer. It's unfair, but once people form an opinion of you, it is very, very hard to change their minds.
You should let this be a lesson for you the next time you start a new job. Do everything possible to absolutely crush it in the beginning (a short term sacrifice) and develop a reputation as a smart and hard worker (e.g. first one in each morning, last to leave in the evening), etc. etc. Once that reputation has been ingrained, you can start easing up and taking things at a more reasonable clip.
I was in your position earlier this year. It sucks, I was incredibly depressed and almost couldn’t see a way out. I’m in a much better position now and here are the 3 things I did (concurrently):
1. Apply for a new job. This was probably the hardest of the 3. To put myself out there and project confidence and tell a potential future employer that I would be a value add when I myself felt completely worthless was really really hard. But between sheer force of will, and a great support system of family, friends, and mentors who reminded me daily that I had faced and overcome worse odds, I was able to do it. In doing so, I regained my confidence (surprise surprise, there was a reason my current employer hired me in the first place), and I regained my initial love / attraction / fascination with finance. With this going on in the background, I kicked off step 2
2. Have candid conversations with key decision makers. For me, this was my staffer and some senior members of deal teams I was on (including the person who tanked my review). I told my staffer quite plainly that I did not accept the image of me painted by my review and I needed a chance to show people what I could really do. He gave me a chance both through staffings that were in line with my skills and interests, as well as an insane amount of his time on a regular basis to get the inside scoop and to help me to strategise.
3. This is arguably the most important one, but the one that will take the most time — decouple your self-worth from your professional achievements. I’m not one of those Patrick Bateman types or someone who is obviously a hardo. I have varied interests and hobbies, most of my friends are not in finance, and I never really thought my identity was tied to my job until this whole situation happened and I literally wanted to die because things were not going well at work. It was a wake up call for me and a much needed one at that. I’m still working on this and trying out a few things, so don’t have more advice to give here beyond the headline, but hope even that is helpful to you.
In all, after a truly traumatising start to the year, I find myself with a great offer in hand (well-known SM HF), crushing it at my current role (well-known MF PE), and hopefully laying the groundwork for a much healthier mindset so that even if everything goes to shit again, I’ll be resilient as always, but also kinder to myself.