How to deal with sick parents while working in IB
Hey everyone. I'm a native New Yorker, did undergrad in the city, and will be working as a FT analyst at (WF/DB/RBC/CS). I'm pretty stoked given that I had to work my ass off to get this opportunity and didn't work in IB during the summer. Problem is--I've lived with my parents in an outer borough my whole life, my father is a sluggish 73 years old, and my mother's health (along with her happiness) has been deteriorating in the last 3 years due to work-related activities. She's also suffered mentally and physically (had 3+ trips to the hospital) when I went to study abroad for a semester in Asia and wasn't able to help out around the house.
My commute to the office, if I stay in my current home, will be a dreaded hour and thirty minutes. In a perfect world I would get an apt. that's within twenty minutes from the office. However, I fear that my lack of presence since I'd be working on average 70-hour weeks and thus seeing them once a week would cause them hardship.
I don't know whether I should move closer to my office to sustain my physical health or stay where I am to sustain my parents' health. As of right now, I'm thinking about staying at home to help my parents and eating that long commute. Nevertheless, I would appreciate your opinions on what you would do if you were in my shoes or even some insight from those of you who live in NYC and deal with a long commute.
2 thoughts from me: 1) Decide what's more important for you at this stage in your life and how you want to balance it and 2) Communicate well with your staffer and co-workers.
On 1), with the caveat that this is group and project-specific / based on my personal experience: when you're in this industry as an analyst, there are times when you have no control over your life / schedule. I've had weeks when I have nothing to do and weeks when I bounce between my bed and the office. This is the reality you have to live with if you want to be a good analyst. If I were you and I were set on taking this job, I'd get an apartment close to work so I have the optionality to get to a bed quickly when times are tough. I would also try to spend every minute of downtime at home with the parents (there will be stretches of downtime). However, there are going to be days when it's not feasible to commute 1.5 hours to and from work.
Now, I don't understand the full extent of the situation. If I were you, depending on the condition, I would also consider trying to defer employment for one or two years. If you position the conversation well, this is very feasible with your group and HR.
On 2), you'll find that the distribution of workload in some groups are very uneven. The few "Type-A" go-getters will get the intense staffings that they can handle, and there are always a few folks who are okay with doing the minimum amount of work to get by. If you position the conversation well with your staffer, you can still take the job but give yourself a higher probability of not getting staffed on more intense projects. If you plan time with your parents on the weekends, you can always communicate to the associate / VP what is going on in your life. You wouldn't be a top-bucket analyst, but you would have a higher likelihood of balancing work and family.
Feel free to PM me
You’re smart to ask around for ideas and I have a lot of respect for what you’re doing. Details aside, I carried my family for a while when I was getting started and understand how hard it can be. Something I wish I’d realized easelier: don’t paint yourself into a corner. There’s more than one way. As in, you can still look after them to an extent without killing yourself in the process. They’ve accepted this on some level and while it’s true any good parent would tell their kid not to worry....you do. So what to do?
Work a compromise. There are neighbors, church members, community centers, and other social organizations that can pop their head in during the week to check in on them. It’s not you being present, but you’ll at least have eyes and ears in the ground. You will be making more money, so you can even hire part time help for them, or even a couple part time helpers and stagger their schedules if you don’t want to give any one person too much power over the situation. I’m hesitant to recommend an au pair at this point but it may become an option later on down the road.
Shoot your parents a text during the day or make a two minute phone call while you go to get coffee. Things are changing but this doesn’t mean you can’t still have oversight of the situation. You get to help your parents AND learn how to manage a team. See it as an opportunity for personal growth for everyone involved.
If there’s a real crisis, then you deal with it, but by staying connected you’ll realize that 90% of the time they’ll be just fine. Plus older folks tend to benefit from increased social contact, so as long as you keep an eye on the situation they may actually be better off in the big picture.
It’s not the same and you’d like to keep a close personal handle on the situation, but for most things other people will. When you go home during the weekend, you’ll have less issues to work through too since other people have more or less kept things on an even keel. If you know any local cops you can also let them know. Pull other people in, pay them a bit if needed, and encourage everyone involved to speak up about what works and what doesn’t.
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One other thing - if your neighborhood/community doesn’t have the support or ties to help your parents....you can move them closer to work. There’s no shortage of 2 bedroom apartments in/near manhattan. With your combined incomes you could have them stay in a nicer apartment, which they may like. You won’t be around much but they be closer to you in the event you need to deal with an emergency.
All the best to you
Not your same situation, but I've been through some similar experiences. You should think of ways you can enable their assistance vs. necessarily be the individual who administers the assistance. You will be in a fortunate position that you should have some excess income. While buildings savings in your analyst years is ideal, the experience / job opportunities are worth much more than saving $25-50K per year.
I would consider allocating a portion of your income to paying for services that assist your parents during the week.
You could look into visiting angels which are usually CNAs that charge $15-$20 / hr. More skilled nurses can be $20 - $35 / hr based on what you actually need. I've hired individuasls for $15-$20 / hr for 10-15 hours a week (so like $7,800 - $15,600 per year) to simply help around the house and also be companions to a family member. You would be surprised how much this can help, can your job should be able to assist in making this expense manageable.
Alternatively, you can pay for things like home cleaners, etc.
As you get into this line of work and develop disposable income, you will find time is the most valuable resource. You will have to focus on work but you want to maximize the value of every minute you spend with your parents vs. just be at home and knocking out chores. It won't be sustainable.