Jokes in an interview

I interviewed at a boutique investment bank and one of the managing directors said "What is your best joke?"

Mine was terrible: "What do you call a bear with eight legs?....Octo-bear."

It was October....I didn't get the job.

What is yours?

48 Comments
 

A moth stops into a podiatrists office, and the doctor asks the moth what he can do for him:

“Well frankly doc, I’m pretty sure that my wife’s been cheating on me and I feel like I don’t have it in me to live anymore. I’ve been drinking a lot more lately and it’s starting to affect my work and my relationship with my children. What makes it even worse is that I just got laid off from my job and the bills are really starting to pile up.”

The doctor says, “Wow man I’m really sorry to hear that, this sounds like you’re in a really bad position, but I have to ask: why exactly did you come to me?”

To which the moth responds: ”The light was on”

 

Norm is amazing and Norm's moth joke is so good. Props to Conan for just letting him tell it the whole time. Conan is great at that unlike others (looking at you, Fake Giggles Fallon)

**"At night, sometimes I wake up and I turn to some old lady, in my bed, on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us.

My other child, my son Gregaro, I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes I see the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lay there on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all.

Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging onto my web with an everlasting fire beneath me."**

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
 

A girl I asked out told me “Why don’t you come over instead, no one will be home”

She was right. When I got there, not even she was home.

An hour later I called and told her “thanks for all the furniture”

 

Three guys die and are in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks Guy #1 how many times he cheated on his wife.

Guy #1 says "10 times". Pete says "that's not good but you're forgiven. Welcome to heaven, and since heaven is so big I'm going to give you a bike to get around."

Peter asks Guy #2 the same question and he says he only cheated on his wife once, early in the relationship and they worked it out and stayed together for 30 years. Peter says "that's good, welcome to heaven and here's a Toyota to drive around in."

Peter asks Guy #3 and he says he remained faithful to his wife over 60 years of marriage, never even looked at another woma. Peter says "wow that's great, welcome to heaven and you get a limo and a driver to take you anywhere you want to go."

A few months lalater Guy #1 and Guy #2 are hanging out and they see Guy #3's limo. They stop by to say hello and Guy #3 is sitting outside his limo on a bench, crying. They ask what's wrong and he says "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

 

I love how there is literally a similar version to this where I come from, and we don't even speak English ahahaha.

“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power. ” - James Allen
 

Tell them they're the only place you want to work, you couldn't even fathom interviewing elsewhere without vomiting, and that you would accept the job on the spot with tears in your eyes.

Dayman?
 

Not a joke but

If you say 'space ghetto' in an American accent it sounds like spice girls in a Scottish accent.

Once ye start, ye canny stop

 

Stolen form Conan but...I asked my german girlfriend to rate me on a scale of 1-10 on how good I am at anal sex and she told me nein nein nein. I guess I'm pretty good

 

Here's a touchy one but I find it funny.

2 friends are just having fun cracking jokes. Guy 1: Makes a Holocaust joke... Guy 2: "Hey dude. You're a good friend and all, but that's kinda offensive man. My grandfather died at Auschwitz you know." Guy 1: "Oh. I'm so sorry man. I had no idea. I didn't mean to be insensitive... (Pauses) If you don't mind me telling, how did he die?" Guy 2: "He fell off the watch tower"

DISCLAIMER: I have many Jewish and German friends.

 
Most Helpful

My go-to interview or general office joke because it’s long enough to kill some time and somewhat relevant to the job:

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are sharing a plane back from a conference when suddenly it falls from the sky and crashes on a deserted island. The three are the only survivors and there isn’t much to salvage from the wreckage of the aircraft - but, they happen to find some cans of food in one of the suitcases.

Amazed, they turn to each other and agree if they can open the cans, at least they won’t starve.

The chemist says: “Let’s start a fire. If we place the can inside the flames, the gases inside will heat and expand. It will then explode and we will all be able to eat.”

“Are you crazy?” says the physicist. “You’ll be cooking it for way too long, all the food inside will burn - we’ll have nothing to eat! We should go find a big rock. With the right speed and angle, we’ll hit the can,and it’ll bust right open!”

The economist starts laughing at his colleagues. “Guys, guys, both of you are wrong! The solution is simple: just ASSUME we have a can opener”

Buh dum tsss

 

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