JP Morgan Palladium Card

Raj has to pay $92.8 million, Corzine lost control MF Global, Goldman Sachs is losing money by the second, and Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi will finally resign. Oh yes, start basting the ham and get out the decorations because Christmas has come early this year.

What do I want for Christmas, you ask? Although ending the NBA lockout is definitely somewhere on the list, JP Morgan’s Palladium card is my number one priority with Santa...:

The palladium & 23-karat gold, laser engraved card will have you saying the Steve Jobs “don’t settle, keep looking” line to just about every underachieving broad you come across. Reserved primarily for JP Morgan’s Private Bank customers, a strong applicant needs about $30 million in net assets to qualify for palladium status. Benefits include Marquis Jet discounts (first class upgrades for holders that still fly commercial), personal concierge, and access to an international directory of the world’s finest co***ne dealers.

Did I mention that it’s a Visa? That’s right, no more getting denied for handing over the Amex Black at the local breakfast joint. But if Palladium members have any self-consciousness about carrying around a credit card made up of metals worth $1,000, JP Morgan will mail a plastic version in order to quell any millionaire anxieties about the card. In all seriousness, Amex better up the ante because baller status just got a new service provider. Any monkeys with a better Christmas present?

10 Comments
 
Angelus99Thats what you call a "wet" card.....get it...get it :)
uh... no? is there a double-entendre here? has there ever been such a thing as a "wet card" in real life? or... does "wet" rhyme with something? racking my brain here for what makes this a joke. please advise.
 
Best Response
bortz911
Angelus99Thats what you call a "wet" card.....get it...get it :)
uh... no? is there a double-entendre here? has there ever been such a thing as a "wet card" in real life? or... does "wet" rhyme with something? racking my brain here for what makes this a joke. please advise.
When something is referred to as wet, its very classy and highbrow. This comes from a tradition that began 1000 years ago. Roman aristocrats used to dip their testies in holy water before they entered court or other public buildings to cleanse themselves and their eventual offspring and ensure that the building remained pure. If a commoner was found with his balls in the water, he was made a eunuch on site. Thats what is meant when someone refers to something as being a 'wet' card, car, etc.
If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford
 

I get it =p

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into SWANSONS.
 

You go through an entire date and that at the end, you take out your pallwhatever card to pay- THAT's when she throws out whatever notions she's formed of you in the last hour and decides she wants to hump.

As long as its not something like a public teachers credit union card its good enough.

 

Aspernatur occaecati sint nihil placeat. Provident unde vitae voluptate eveniet magnam quis. Et cum ipsa reiciendis.

Molestiae molestias aut et harum similique ut ipsum est. Enim et eum et aut maxime. Necessitatibus sit et voluptas sed magnam. Mollitia velit inventore atque unde. Sint consequuntur quam at.

Consequuntur ut animi mollitia. Deserunt et consequuntur totam eveniet eveniet aliquam placeat. Exercitationem eaque ipsum vitae voluptas consequatur qui.

Eius nihil ea quia culpa exercitationem omnis. Necessitatibus suscipit corporis iste adipisci consectetur velit doloremque.

Beast

Career Advancement Opportunities

July 2026 Investment Banking

  • Evercore 01 99.4%
  • Moelis & Company 01 98.9%
  • JPMorgan 01 98.3%
  • Guggenheim Partners 01 97.7%
  • Morgan Stanley 07 97.1%

Overall Employee Satisfaction

July 2026 Investment Banking

  • Moelis & Company No 99.4%
  • Evercore No 98.9%
  • Morgan Stanley 01 98.3%
  • BMO Capital Markets 13 97.7%
  • Banco Santander 01 97.1%

Professional Growth Opportunities

July 2026 Investment Banking

  • Evercore 01 99.4%
  • Moelis & Company 01 98.9%
  • Morgan Stanley 06 98.3%
  • Goldman Sachs 01 97.7%
  • JPMorgan 01 97.1%

Total Avg Compensation

July 2026 Investment Banking

  • Vice President (16) $429
  • Associates (46) $258
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (8) $210
  • 2nd Year Analyst (22) $179
  • Intern/Summer Associate (14) $159
  • 1st Year Analyst (80) $150
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (73) $101
notes
16 IB Interviews Notes

“... there’s no excuse to not take advantage of the resources out there available to you. Best value for your $ are the...”

Leaderboard

1
redever's picture
redever
99.2
2
kanon's picture
kanon
99.0
3
Secyh62's picture
Secyh62
99.0
4
BankonBanking's picture
BankonBanking
99.0
5
dosk17's picture
dosk17
98.9
6
Betsy Massar's picture
Betsy Massar
98.9
7
CompBanker's picture
CompBanker
98.9
8
GameTheory's picture
GameTheory
98.9
9
DrApeman's picture
DrApeman
98.9
10
Mimbs's picture
Mimbs
98.8
success
From 10 rejections to 1 dream investment banking internship

“... I believe it was the single biggest reason why I ended up with an offer...”