Life at Non-Target is Paradise
"Hi Joe, this is Patrick, a sophomore at University of Bumfuck-Nowhere, I was interesed in learning more about investment banking at Goldman Stanley. Do you have time for a quick phone call? I've attached my resume for reference." You copy and paste the message 20 times in your outlook drafts and search "Investment Banking" on LinkedIn, clicking "Everview Partners" for current company. You get their names, find the email format on RocketReach and scedhule send all the emails for 11:21 am for Tuesday, because Mary (Senior, Hispanic Female 33B), the only person from your school to get a first round from Goldman, told you that it was "best practice."
You log onto Slack and see you have 14 unread messages from your Searchfund, remote, unpaid internship. "Hey, how's the sourcing going." "Hey, can you reach out to all the companies the broker sent." "Pls respond. Thx." Fuck, Brad (44, White Male 4.5in.), the searcher who graduated from Rutgers Business School after a IB stint at HSBC, might be catching on to you doing no work just using this internship for a few bullets on your resume. "Yes, no leads so far," you reply.
You pack up and go to your Gender Economics class, the only Econ elective that fit your schedule this semester. Sarah (Freshman, White Female 30A) raises her hand in class in response to a question. "I really just think its important that we understand as a society..." Holy fuck, you decide to zone out before the suicidal thoughts creep in. You daydream of what it would have been like to have gotten into Wharton, where you could have been surrounded by Golden Goose's and Hedge Fund PM's daughters. You think of how good it'll feel to hopefully have the honor of adjusting logos and changing color schemes next to them next summer. You wipe the drool of your cheek. "...and that's why the patriarchy should be dismantled!"
You grab dinner with some of your "friends," kids that you met at O-week freshman year but barely know where they're from. Owen (Sophomore, White Male 6.5in.) starts complaining about how his Organic Chemistry and Physics midterms are on the same day next week. Fucking pre-med pleb, going to school for 4 more years to get stupid non-Finance job. He prolly doesn't even know how prestigious Everview Partners is.
You go to sleep thinking about exiting to MF PE one day. You dream about that one slick-haired banker with a BX bag that you saw walking on the street one when you visted NYC with your family. You wake up with a wet spot near your zipper. You get ready and go to class, making sure to check your email 11:22 am to make sure your emails sent.
Your heart stops.
You realize you forgot to change the "Hi Joe" in all your emails. FUCK, there goes your shot at Goldman Stanley.
Life at a non-target is paradise.
Most inaccurate part is 6.5" for a stem major
Can’t help but comment on how terrible the grammar was in this, however I read it to the end. Sleep well tonight, non target.
Method acting
If you’re not scheduling your emails for 6:44am in their time zone you’re falling behind pal
Hey Patrick! I'm a sophomore at University of Bumfuck-Nowhere too, interested in investment banking at Goldman Sachs. Wanna chat sometime? I've attached my resume for reference. Thanks!
nah
Hey can u send it me too
Theory will only take you so far
I'm literally Robert Oppenheimer (I barely passed Physics)
Its scary how accurate this is. Literally me when I was a freshman, but emphasize the wet spot next time thx
😐
This is so funny
You forgot to add the:
"Hi (NAME). I wanted to thank you for taking the time to speak with me yesterday. I enjoyed hearing about your experience working in the (IDGAF) group, including perspectives on your current role as a (DIPSHIT) as well as our chat about (BULLSHIT). Our conversation confirmed my strong interest in working at (BOILER ROOM) in the (IDGAF) group. I will make sure to utilize your wisdom in the recruitment process."
"You wake up with a wet spot near your zipper."
Wat?! Are you sleeping in chinos or something?
Also: Sleeping full nude is most prestigious. Air that shit out, homeboy.
I sleep in a full, 3-piece suit to stimulate the 3 hours of sleep I'll get in my cube at HSBC
Why is this accurate 💀
he tried
My strategy is to date all the Mary's and get them to hire me later on
@TheMan23"
Can someone please explain this to me - I don't know all the jokes yet lol
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