Life at Non-Target is Paradise

"Hi Joe, this is Patrick, a sophomore at University of Bumfuck-Nowhere, I was interesed in learning more about investment banking at Goldman Stanley. Do you have time for a quick phone call? I've attached my resume for reference." You copy and paste the message 20 times in your outlook drafts and search "Investment Banking" on LinkedIn, clicking "Everview Partners" for current company. You get their names, find the email format on RocketReach and scedhule send all the emails for 11:21 am for Tuesday, because Mary (Senior, Hispanic Female 33B), the only person from your school to get a first round from Goldman, told you that it was "best practice." 

You log onto Slack and see you have 14 unread messages from your Searchfund, remote, unpaid internship. "Hey, how's the sourcing going." "Hey, can you reach out to all the companies the broker sent." "Pls respond. Thx." Fuck, Brad (44, White Male 4.5in.), the searcher who graduated from Rutgers Business School after a IB stint at HSBC, might be catching on to you doing no work just using this internship for a few bullets on your resume. "Yes, no leads so far," you reply. 

You pack up and go to your Gender Economics class, the only Econ elective that fit your schedule this semester. Sarah (Freshman, White Female 30A) raises her hand in class in response to a question. "I really just think its important that we understand as a society..." Holy fuck, you decide to zone out before the suicidal thoughts creep in. You daydream of what it would have been like to have gotten into Wharton, where you could have been surrounded by Golden Goose's and Hedge Fund PM's daughters. You think of how good it'll feel to hopefully have the honor of adjusting logos and changing color schemes next to them next summer. You wipe the drool of your cheek. "...and that's why the patriarchy should be dismantled!"

You grab dinner with some of your "friends," kids that you met at O-week freshman year but barely know where they're from. Owen (Sophomore, White Male 6.5in.) starts complaining about how his Organic Chemistry and Physics midterms are on the same day next week. Fucking pre-med pleb, going to school for 4 more years to get stupid non-Finance job. He prolly doesn't even know how prestigious Everview Partners is. 

You go to sleep thinking about exiting to MF PE one day. You dream about that one slick-haired banker with a BX bag that you saw walking on the street one when you visted NYC with your family. You wake up with a wet spot near your zipper. You get ready and go to class, making sure to check your email 11:22 am to make sure your emails sent. 

Your heart stops.

You realize you forgot to change the "Hi Joe" in all your emails. FUCK, there goes your shot at Goldman Stanley.

Life at a non-target is paradise.

 

Can’t help but comment on how terrible the grammar was in this, however I read it to the end. Sleep well tonight, non target.

 

Its scary how accurate this is. Literally me when I was a freshman, but emphasize the wet spot next time thx

 

You forgot to add the:

"Hi (NAME). I wanted to thank you for taking the time to speak with me yesterday. I enjoyed hearing about your experience working in the (IDGAF) group, including perspectives on your current role as a (DIPSHIT) as well as our chat about (BULLSHIT). Our conversation confirmed my strong interest in working at (BOILER ROOM) in the (IDGAF) group. I will make sure to utilize your wisdom in the recruitment process."

 

Soluta beatae ab ut vel quo nulla. Amet vel quos officiis molestiae magnam nostrum. Dolore repellendus voluptas minima aliquam. Ut occaecati id et in consequatur. Assumenda consequatur rerum ut et. In reiciendis nemo voluptatibus sint et. Modi eos est necessitatibus mollitia expedita aliquam non atque.

Dolor natus sit harum illo. Incidunt cum rerum quae asperiores. Soluta architecto sit soluta sint dolor consequatur est.

Quia facilis rerum fugit voluptates et omnis animi quia. Voluptas reiciendis temporibus maxime consequuntur mollitia maiores.

Ex repellat aut nam sit voluptates necessitatibus enim. Excepturi ratione est vero sunt voluptatem sint cum fugiat. Deleniti aut repellat ad accusamus exercitationem ut. Quisquam aut sed facere culpa iste. Libero aspernatur velit incidunt consequatur qui.

Career Advancement Opportunities

February 2024 Investment Banking

  • Jefferies & Company 02 99.4%
  • Goldman Sachs 19 98.8%
  • Lazard Freres 01 98.3%
  • JPMorgan Chase 05 97.7%
  • Perella Weinberg Partners (++) 97.1%

Overall Employee Satisfaction

February 2024 Investment Banking

  • Harris Williams & Co. 28 99.4%
  • JPMorgan Chase 11 98.8%
  • Lazard Freres 05 98.3%
  • Morgan Stanley 07 97.7%
  • William Blair 03 97.1%

Professional Growth Opportunities

February 2024 Investment Banking

  • Lazard Freres 01 99.4%
  • Jefferies & Company 02 98.8%
  • Goldman Sachs 17 98.3%
  • Credit Suisse 04 97.7%
  • Moelis & Company 06 97.1%

Total Avg Compensation

February 2024 Investment Banking

  • Director/MD (5) $648
  • Vice President (19) $385
  • Associates (81) $263
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (12) $184
  • Intern/Summer Associate (32) $172
  • 2nd Year Analyst (60) $169
  • 1st Year Analyst (193) $159
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (139) $101
notes
16 IB Interviews Notes

“... there’s no excuse to not take advantage of the resources out there available to you. Best value for your $ are the...”

Leaderboard

1
redever's picture
redever
99.2
2
Secyh62's picture
Secyh62
99.0
3
BankonBanking's picture
BankonBanking
99.0
4
Betsy Massar's picture
Betsy Massar
99.0
5
CompBanker's picture
CompBanker
98.9
6
GameTheory's picture
GameTheory
98.9
7
dosk17's picture
dosk17
98.9
8
kanon's picture
kanon
98.9
9
Linda Abraham's picture
Linda Abraham
98.8
10
numi's picture
numi
98.8
success
From 10 rejections to 1 dream investment banking internship

“... I believe it was the single biggest reason why I ended up with an offer...”