Ranking Bottled Water by Prestige

Did not know some of you consider Dasani and Aquafina as water. Bar is too low. Not an Ib material. Go to ops please.

Essentia should replace Evian, Voss should be higher. I don’t think Fiji deserves number 1

1. Gerolsteiner 2a. San Pelegrino; Evian; Voss 2b. Aqua Panna; Perrier: Fiji 3.Smart Water; Essentia 4. Deer Park. Not even going to rank the nestle/Dasani garbage or anything that comes in cardboard or tin or whatever. Just drink tap at that point. Voss moves down two rungs if it comes in the plastic bottle. Aqua Panna is mid.

#1 should be distilled. You normies don’t actually like water. You like the taste of rocks in the water. 
 

Life is 1B

Don't sleep on that good volcanic, artesian Splendor water. Now yours for only $20.40/bottle. Before I started drinking Splendor water I was a schmuck. My hairline was receding, I wore tattered brown suits, pretended to be a feminist to impress potential mates and struggled to earn the respect of my peers. Since I've got on the volcanic, artesian water brand I've made a name for myself. My hairline bounced back to Norwood 0, I wear Armani tuxes and women and men alike compete for my attention. If you don't have the stones to drink real water, it's because you're a schmuck. Stop living in a sleepwalk gentlemen. Take control of your lives. Drink Splendor. 

Where does Liquid Death water fit on this list?

BBs (Basic Beverages):  Dasani, Poland Spring, Dasani

EBs (Elite Beverages):  Fiji, Smart Water, Evian (it's all in packaging -- the more tropical the packaging, the more prestigious the water).  

The fact saratoga isnt mentioned makes this list irrelevant

Tap water is unironically more prestigious than any bottled water

Tap water is non-target

Flow Water is goated

What’s with all this still shit? Get me some sparkling!

How will this affect Lebron's legacy?

You forgot kirkland signature water in 1.a...

Smart Water below Mountain Valley? What peasant unpaid intern made this list? Blasphemy

spring water > purified

Topo Chico is easily at the top

Busch Light is my preferred water, followed by Natty Light. Then perhaps Belvedere. 

H

Evian is shit IMO. Even in France it has a slimy mouthfeel.

WAIAKEA is very underrated

Couldn’t agree more with the list

No Volvic, Vittel, Badoit? That's like missing Rothschild, Lazard, and Berenberg for y'all US folk. Vittel (glass especially) is really really good; if anyone knows where to find it near NYC please drop it in the thread.

Evian is a great water. It has its own flavor and the plastic bottle is top tier (for a plastic bottle). When I was in Evian a few years ago it came out of certain taps and I thought about moving there.

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hildon and saratoga>>

tbf evian spelt backwards is naive 

1. Topo Chico

1. Evian, Perrier

1. SP

1. Fuji/the glacier one

1. All other

1. Dasani

Can we get a flavored sparkling water prestige ranking as well? Because that's how I actually judge people. 

Spindrift > all and it's not even close.

What about Manitou Springs Mineral Water?

Perrier

1 just filling up a water bottle. Going to buy that salt to put in it to stay hydrated more

Plastic bottle rank:

1 Icelandic (bottle is funniest thing carrying it around)

2 nestle

3 Poland spring

4 deer park

Vichy Catalan, Chateldon.

I started working with a buddy of mine doing financial consulting stuff (plz read: playing with numbers in excel). Anyways, when I went to meet up with him in his office, he had a coffee, snickers bar, and a✨natural artesian✨ Fiji water bottle waiting for me. Upon my arrival, I paused. Candidly, it took me back a bit. I’ve never tasted one of these “natural artesian” waters before (though I am veeeryy acquainted with coffee and snickers; after all, you’re not you when you’re hungry). I sipped the coffee, watched my buddy eat the snickers bar (even though he brought it for me? Guess he needed it more than me), but I couldn’t touch the ✨natural artesian✨Fiji water bottle. I was scared. After all, it’s infinitely more expensive than my natural source of H2O: tap water. 

After chatting for about an hour with 3 brothers on financial topics such as budgets, financial forecasts, and the mightiest of financial metrics, cash flow (I’m sure you’re all verrrryy interested in that), my buddy slowly slid the Fuji water bottle towards me. I ignored the gesture… I didn’t know how to accept his gift. We moved along in our conversation while I pretended to sound sophisticated and knowledgeable; after all, I had in in front of me a ✨natural artesian✨water bottle hailing from the islands of Fiji. He must think I’m a big deal… right? 😅

We concluded our meetings and began a tour of the facilities. It was a mildly redneck operation, which I quite enjoyed; it reminded me of home. However, In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but think “what is a relic of the Fiji islands doing here? Isn’t it illegal to take through customs?” Alas, I ignored the questions and pressed on. Upon conclusion of the tour, it was time to depart. I went back to the conference room where my bag and the Fiji water bottle remained. I held out my hand to give him a firm handshake, but my friend held out the ✨natural artesian✨ water bottle instead. I froze. “Was this a test? What do I do with it? Should I drink it?” In a panic, I took the water bottle, put it in my bag, and took off in a hurried frenzy. I had in my possession one of the most ✨elevated✨ water bottles known to man… 

The bottle remained in my bag for the last few days - I dared not touch it… until now. After winning an epic intramural softball game, I came home parched and saw the unthinkable: an empty Brita. No. Was this it? Am I at the end of my road? I scampered throughout my apartment searching for a source of hydration, with the phrase “hydrate or diedrate” echoing through my mind. Then I saw it. My ✨natural artesian✨ water bottle from the Fiji islands unopened in my bag. “No. I shouldn’t. My friend didn’t want me to drink it anyways. It’s too nice to drink. It’s more of a keepsake. It’s the second most prestigious water bottle according to Wall Street Oasis and I’m more of a middle market guy.” Then I considered the lowly estate of my shriveling body. I had to choose: my life or the Fiji water bottle. 

As I sipped the water of Fiji with a plate full of chicken, I felt like I was transported straight to Fiji and was drinking unflavored, liquid flowers on the beach. My eyes were opened. I finally understood. It all made sense… I had arrived. He gave me ✨elevated✨ water so I could help him ✨elevate✨his finances. He gave me water from Fiji because he wanted me to help him climb the corporate latter as if he was climbing the mountains of Fiji. He gave me ✨natural✨ and ✨artesian✨water because he wants to keep his business ✨natural✨ and ✨artesian✨. 

Thank you for teaching me these lessons. Even though I’m working for you, I’m in your debt (just like your company is in debt 😅). I now believe I can enter adulthood and this consulting gig thingy prepared and ready to face any tap-water loving nerds and help them see that there is a better way, an ✨elevated way✨, a ✨natural artesian✨ way… the Fiji way.