This is what banking really is
I’m lying here in bed at 4am, just logged off. Thinking about the past year and all the blood, sweat, and tears. Thinking about how I’ve barely slept the past few weeks, been nonstop working. Thinking about how I’ve developed terrible anxiety where I can never go offline. Thinking about how I can’t sleep at night because I stare at a screen for 16+ hours a day and my brain is so fried that I can’t turn it off.
Thinking about how I’ve gained weight because I don’t have the time or energy to exercise. Thinking about how I’ve developed (but don’t want to admit it) an alcohol problem because the only way I can unload my stress is obliterating my mind till I can’t think anymore. Thinking that I am depressed and in a dark place but don’t have the mental capacity to go speak with someone. Thinking about the time with family I missed because I can’t use my vacation days.
Thinking about the time with friends I missed because I have to work all the time. Thinking about the clients who don’t give a shit and expect you to send them whatever they need at any time of the day while they go to bed at 10pm. Thinking about the senior bankers who expect you to turn comments at 4am while you’re on vacation for athat never had a chance of going anywhere. Thinking about the utter lack of respect anyone has for the health or wellbeing of junior bankers.
Thinking that maybe my bonus will cheer me up a bit, then getting slapped in the face with a bonus 50% lower than last year’s bottom bucket. Thinking about barely saving anything living in NYC, my rent going up 20%, my retirement accounts down 25%. Thinking that “I’m lucky” and “I should be grateful.” Thinking about if any of this is worth it.
This is what banking really is.