PE Interview Gone Wrong (Not what you think)

First off, it is important to note that I am extremely introverted and when it comes to interviewing this often times creates a lot of stress. This is also probably part of the reason why I have held off on starting the PE recruiting process up until this point.

Anyway, I finally ripped the band aid off and accepted an invitation to my first interview with a MM infra shop in a tier 1 city (think New York, London, nooga (chata), and phili (delphia)). I spent all weekend studying the firm, their portcos, and tailoring my responses to appear as a good fit (im literally bottom bucket at a consumer (furniture and makeup) equity research shop and chat GPT can do my job). So come the morning of the interview I’m naturally feeling ready yet anxious due to my anxiety and preparedness. I call my uber to the office (I live in the suburbs with my uncle - Steve Dawson). Uber x was about 15 dollars compared to the XL at 40, and the other awe elitist prestige monkey Uber Black at ~70. The x would get me there in plenty of time and I’m by myself so it is the obvious choice. I call the uber and finish off my third coffee of the morning.

Now fast forward 6 minutes. I’m opening the door to my uber and am instantly hit with a cloud of what appears to be marijuana smoke. I know this because I can smell it (I’m a pot head) and the driver has a backwoods between his lips. To make things worse the seat (cloth) is covered in what appears to be literal fucking shit. … I panic, naturally. Uh uh uh “sir, I think I’ll find another ride” I go to cancel the uber and call another one - the pot smoking slop accepts the ride immediately. Unreal. At this point I’m starting to worry about timing as I don’t know what traffic on the interstate will look like. I say fuck and get in the car trying to avoid the literal shit on the seat and I roll the windows down intending to avoid the smell of weed on my Armani suit. He rolls it back up without hesitation. I can hardly help but laugh at the situation- me a nervous wreck who worked hard all weekend so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself in the interview room is now covered in marijuana skunk stench and shit. Terrific. They’re going to think the janitor stumbled into the wrong room and tell the head hunters I’m a god damn mess. My first interview will be my last.

Now moments away from their premiere office space in the heart of downtown “paradise city” I’m thinking maybe I cancel and say my dog got hit by a car or something idk. Fuck fuck fuck. Right before I get out of the uber, the ganja man turns to me and presents a half full bottle of jack Daniel’s in front of my face, “drink it, you got this shit my guy” (not the word he used). I fucking pulled it - couple of shots at least. As I’m checking in at the front desk, with a newfound sense of confidence, I can tell people are giving me looks due to the rough nature of my suit and skunky stench. At this point I don’t give a fuck anymore. I take the elevator up to firm’s floor and strut in the door like I’m Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet (“let’s fuck… I’ll fuck anything that moves”). As the receptionist is greeting me I can tell the smile on her face begins to turn to a look of astonishment. I smirk back.

After a few minutes I’m let into the interview room, and eventually greeted by a senior associate and VP at the firm. They begin to give there introductions and are suddenly cut off by the cock piercing sound of a fire alarm. Along with the rest of the team I begin to exit the building. Once we make it outside to safety. The associate I had just met tells me he will reach out to reschedule and have a good day. Wohoo back to my paradise job at the chat bot equity research shop. Time for my morning egg nog and perogis.

A few days later I receive an email from the head hunter who works for the infra fund. They inform me that x firm will no longer be moving forward with me in their process. I reach out because well I didn’t even get to interview and I want an explanation. A few hours later head hunter replies: “the team informed me you showed up to the office smelling of marijuana and Bourbon covered in human feces… we will no longer be passing your resume to any of our clients”

I laugh out loud and think to myself, “maybe PE isn’t for me” as I begin a google search for “top hedge funds in St. Louis.”