Things Employers Tell Interviewees and What They Really Mean
11 Things Employers Tell Interviewees and What They Really Mean
1. "We Have a Very Flat Hierarchy":
We have a few VPs that take home all of the carry and three dozen Analysts grinding out all of our legwork because it's cheaper. All you little shits are replaceable and none of you fuckers are getting promoted past Associate. Occasionally we let someone call themselves an Assistant VP to make them feel better about not getting a raise.
2. "We Value Diversity of Thought:"
Our CEO says some wacked out shit in press runs sometimes. We try to sweep it under the rug as "diversity of thought". Please don't actually challenge your superiors.
3. "We Value Diversity":
We hired a black guy once and now he's in every single picture on our company website.
4. "I'm Sure You Have a Lot of Questions to Ask Me..."
This conversation is just not flowing well and we still have 5 minutes left, please tell me you have an interesting question to fall back on so we don't have to sit here in awkward silence for the remainder of it.
5. "How Did You Learn About This Position?"
Do you have any fathers or uncles at this firm that I should know about before I shit on your resume at the round-table after you guys leave superday?
6. "Radical Transparency"
I have no fucking idea what this means and neither does anyone else at this firm, but Ray Dalio is kind of a nutcase so just go with it.
7. "Can you elaborate on your experience doing XYZ at Company ABC?"
I know you're bullshitting about this bullet point on your resume, but I'm interested in how well you can talk yourself out of this situation.
8. "Tell Me About Yourself":
I'm about to zone out for the next 30 seconds, when I zone back in and start listening again you better not still be talking about your values and beliefs.
9. From the CEO/CIO: "Here's My Business Card, Feel Free to Reach Out With Any Questions You Have:"
This is me doing my down-to-earth bit to seem approachable and friendly. There's a zero percent chance I'm going to respond to any subsequent emails you send me, and in fact, I rarely respond to emails sent to me from my own employees.
10. "We'll Get Back to You In a Few Days":
We're probably just never going to contact you again, like ever. Truth is, you botched your DCF walkthrough and we're just going to hire the MD's daughter from Villanova anyway. Definitely don't hold your breath for a phone call.
11. "Best of Luck in the Future With Your Job Search, You've Got a Great Resume and You'll Do Well"
You fucking BOMBED this interview. I really hope you have something else lined up, because you are absolutely NOT going to work here.
Feel free to add on!
#7 top discussion of 2018
"Walk me through a DCF"
Did you read the Vault Guide?
We have a zero policy about hiring ass holes. Read: Am the biggest ass hole you'll ever work with, but completely delusional about myself.
Overall brilliant list you have compiled
Every company policy has the unspoken addendum of "...unless they make money."
Nice list. To summarize, every positive statement made is the opposite in reality, and every question asked is trying to fish for information that wasn't directly part of the question
"We encourage internal mobility" = no way you're changing groups without some serious Machiavellian maneuvers and/or blackmail
"Why do you want to work here?" = you don't seem like a good fit, and I want to know if you have some skill/advantage you haven't brought up yet or if you'll just dig yourself into an even deeper hole
"We are a very entrepreneurial group here" = we are disastrously disorganized ...
"We work hard and we play hard." -> "You work hard."
What's said: "Take care of your physical health"
Translation: "Go fix my fucking model"
"No two days are the same in this role."
Have fun doing the same few menial tasks everyday until you inevitably quit two years down the road.
As a black man, when I hear the diversity line and see the same people in every picture, that’s my queue to roll out. Especially, if I see the same black person in damn near every picture, but different white people. It’s hard enough getting in a firm, let alone me seeing the writing on the wall that I’m not really wanted around there.
I second this to a T.
Every company wants to tout their Diversity to try to make us feel "comfortable," when in reality its the complete opposite.
Gonna third this. I actually hate how trendy the phrase "diversity and inclusion" is now. Partially because everyone makes up their own definition and partially because it hardly ever exists among the companies that trumpet it the most. I will say that I do have a lot of respect for the smaller companies who just don't bring this up. I'd rather diversity be non-existent and they're honest about it (and hopefully working toward a solution) rather than claim they're for it and hiring clearly shows they don't.
"I don't have time to micromanage you." = "I will watch your IM status like a hawk and have alerts for when you log in and log out, to ensure that you're always working and not taking 15 minute bathroom breaks."
"We like it when new Analysts take initiative." = "You better bring in some good ideas and let me take credit for them in front of my boss."
"You can define the role any way you want!" = "You're gonna do the bitchwork NO ONE wants to do. I don't mean aligning logos on a PPT; I mean the real stuff no one will touch with a 10-foot pole. Kicking people out of meeting rooms? Staying late and showing face time until your face falls off? That's you, buddy! Oh, and and nothing you do will ever be good enough, so shut up and sit down."
We have an open door policy here -> There's no training and you'll be thrown to the wolves. Don't dare knock on my door.
"We have a lean team" = You're going to get assraped by the workflow 24/7.
So outside of the stress of transitioning as a veteran and trying to break into AM, this stuff is all super hilarious. The best part is that while you're all laughing about it, I can tell that it is all one hundred percent true in many cases. I imagine you all typing these and laughing while tears stream down your face into a glass which will serve as your only source of hydration since you can't leave your desk because you and I both know damn well it's because you have work to do. Is it sad that this makes me want to work in asset management even more?
We are looking for someone who is a "cultural fit" -
i.e. shuts up and agrees with everything the senior people say, laughs at bad jokes and generally is a cubicle monkey who does everything he/she is told with a huge smile
Spot on. We interviewed a kid who was incredibly sharp and very knowledgeable about the company. The other young interviewers and I all liked him; the hiring manager rejected him on "culture fit" because the kid asked questions about the work we're doing and how it differs from similar work the competition is doing.
As an experienced candidate, there is nothing more terrible than having to limp through a phone interview with a recruiter.
Recruiter: "So, what would you consider is your greatest strength?"
BillyRay05: tosses phone across room
We have fun planned events throughout the year as a team.
We get shitfaced at the 2 happy hours a year the company sponsors.
We believe in work-life balance
You'll have bloodshot eyes, experience chronic daytime fatigue, and will likely develop a caffeine dependency while you work here.
We look for people passionate about the industry and who love their job
We're trying to gauge how much you need a job and want to work here, so we can determine how much we can underpay you