Title.
I'm now 29 years old and I'm happy in many respects. I'm making great money, in a good relationship, have a nice apartment. But when I compare myself to my 21 year old self, I can't help but feel like my social life is the one area which has regressed a lot.
I've spent so much time on my career over the last decade, so naturally most of the people I'm with are people from finance or similar industries. It seems like every time I meet someone, there's this air of networking to it. And sure I still enjoy happy hour, and there are plenty of good vibes all around, but I don't feel that sense of "ride or die" closeness that I felt when I was in high school or college. Back then nobody really had anything to gain from one another except each other's company. But now when I survey my social circle, everyone's firm and title is pretty top of mind. I have noticed people seem to try and cultivate relationships more with the people they stand to gain from. People seem to always have an angle, even if its not explicit or it's very long-term and undefined.
Is this just a finance thing? Or is it purely an adulthood thing?
diversify your friend base and these problems should lessen. exactly 0 of my closest friends are in finance and I don't have this problem. when I still kept many friends in finance I had the same issue
How do you get the time to cultivate friendships from outside your work? Are these just old friends you're hitting up? Or new ones you've made?
I feel like when I have such a busy week, it's hard to invest behind people other than the ones in your immediate vicinity, i.e. other finance people
Any tips on how to carve out this time if I'm doing 60+ hr weeks?
most were old acquaintances who moved to the city I lived in, but even at my busiest I still made time for my hobbies and often would cross paths with people that shared those hobbies, easy to strike up a conversation on shared interests. volunteering, joining sports leagues, affinity groups, etc.
as for how to carve out time? I can't tell you how to run your life, I'll just say anytime I wanted to do something and couldn't quickly think of where I could find time, I'd audit myself. keep a log of how I spent every 15 or 30 minutes and be brutally honest, you'll see areas you can cut back.
outside of this, do you still have close friends from college/high school days? if not and the relationships didn't end on bad terms, call them up, catch up. fall on the sword "hey man I know it's been a while but I was thinking about that time when blahblahblah and I thought we should catch up, how's life been?"
It's why my circle of friends in finance is like 1/10th of what it was. I prefer to "switch off" when I'm with the crew and if I can't do that, I'd rather not put in the "boys" level effort for a "professional" level relationship if that makes sense.
Freed me up to expand the circle to non finance/law and I'm kicking myself for not doing that sooner. A lot of fresh perspectives, including how cliquey/bubbley and frankly one dimensional and limiting purely finance circles are.
Obvious answer will be to meet people from hobbies you do, if you don't have hobbies you know what to work on. If your hobby is making money and finance, well then you should cultivate something else. But partly also an adult thing. No one who holds a real job has time "just to hang". If I were you I would start with sports clubs, that's usually where sane people hang out
Having a friend circle of finance bros sounds miserable. Gotta watch what you say, what illegal shit you do, etc around them. I absolutely do not want to be talking EBITDA or whatever bullshit after work or on weekends.
It's a life thing. I have a friend that was on my pee wee football team when we were kids. I called him up a few weeks ago to catch up, and it felt like a networking call. Like you said, when you were a kid, all you wanted was a friend. Do you like peanut butter and jelly, basketball, and Dragonball Z? Great! Me too, we're best friends now! Mom, I got a friend coming over after school. But as you get older, things just change. People have bills, families, and social pressure, and life isn't so innocent anymore. Even worse, let's say you're successful and your old friend is struggling financially; the vibe will just change even if you try to be the same person you always were. He stayed in town and started working or hasn't really found his path yet; you got into an Ivy League, awkward...Even if you don't think you're better than him, he might think that you think you're better than him. Things just get weird. People develop insecurities they may project onto you, especially if they knew you before the so-called "success."
Also, as you get older, people feel like they have less time, so if they're going to take the time to talk to someone, they want to feel like they're getting something tangible out of the relationship; otherwise, it's a waste of time. They might not be conscious of those feelings, but they're there. You don't have the same loyalty to people you meet in your later years as you do as a kid.
I relate to this - didn’t go to an ivy or anything but I make a lot more than anyone I was friends with in high school. I actually talk most to someone I was acquaintances with in high school who was a year ahead - he’s now a banker and we reconnected over LinkedIn and now converse every now and then.
It’s interesting how the “cool kids” you grow up with can turn out to be bums. Of course not all (girl I know was the hot chick, went D1 and is now married to an NFL QB), but lots of people I know gained weight and don’t have a job. Lots of guys in sales, and even one of my closer buddies is in a MLM scheme. Every year he asks me how much I make, and all his social media is his “selling product”.
There is some truth to “you’ll be working for us one day” concerning the nerdier kids. Off the top of my head, the nerds I grew up with now work for Blackstone, Google, Microsoft, and others. Also interesting how you can meet someone and just know they’re gonna be successful. Kid a few years younger than me gave off “future president” vibes when I first met him. Dude was more polished and such a great speaker way back at 15. He could convince you to jump off a bridge. He’s currently a student at HYPS and has done internships at FAANG and MF PE and will easily be a millionaire by the time he’s 30. People like him are truly built different - we went to a public high school that isn’t horrible but doesn’t send people to Ivy League schools.
I personally think it's a "high"-finance/big law/maybe consulting thing as all 3 career fields work on corporate transactions.
I'm almost the only person working in finance among my intimate friends. Others are very different personality types. Fwiw, I'm not a prototype fuckboy.
Difficult to have genuine relationships with people at work, especially in finance. Most people seem to only do stuff to achieve something. Try to have a more important life out of work than in it.
Clearly you need to find new friends, or if you like the current group you're with, start getting more personal in your conversations and see if they bite back. If there's no mutual back and forth and deepening of the discussions beyond "how's your deal going?" then it's time to scrap the group. This is an individual issue, though - it's not exclusively just because they're "in finance" - have plenty of friends from all walks of life..it's about letting loose and being honest about stuff. Just lead the conversations there and expand outwards and don't just hang with the same types of people.
Let me answer your question in another way...
I find that best way to make friends, whether networking purposes or not, is to figure out a way to help solve some of their problems.
I approach almost every social situation the same way - I try to find about what the person is interested in & learn as much as possible. Almost always, there is some problem associated with their interest they're trying to solve. If I get to a point where they've spilled enough beans for me to put together what their problem is or they've explicitly brought it up, I'll share an insight or two that I think the other person might find useful. But if the person clearly knows a lot more than I do, then I'll ask for insights. People love it when others offer help in solving their problems or when they feel like they are helping others. Of course, don't start by asking "what are your biggest problems?", some people respond well some don't (cultural and personal preference).
To me that's just what a good friend does, help solve your friend's problems and be grateful when they try to solve yours.
To answer your question more explicitly, whatever you might be feeling could be 1) fact that most people are actually bad at making friends by the above definition & 2) how you perceive what it means to "make friends".
In my opinion, this doesn't help in finding real friends.
Yes, you make friends because they might perceive you as an "asset", but are these genuine relationships?
I think that's what is trying to be discussed in this topic, that "relationships" in finance seem to be essentially transactional.
With my closest friends (none of which know anything about finance) I obviously try to help them when I see an opportunity to improve their situation, but this is not the reason why we are friend or why I interact with them.
This is obviously very dependent on each person, but I think your approach is more focused to building a network and wouldn't really help creating real bonds with people.
I see your point but I have to disagree.
All relationships are in a way transactional.
You hang out with your college buddies because 1) they provide you emotional support and comfort, 2) they help you out when you're in need. And they hang out with you because you'll do the same. Currency here is trust.
You're still helping solve problems.
Only difference is in professional settings, you're helping somve business and career problems. In personal settings, you're solving personal problems. Same principle applies.
I agree with this take.
i know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Just a sad reality of life unfortunately....
this is not just a finance, thing -- happens all across the board.
It's an adulthood thing especially amongst white-collar jobs/high earners.
Welcome to adulting. Just wait until people ask you to "help them move" on a Saturday.
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