Average Time to Take a Sh*t in the Office

I feel horrible having to make a post like this, but lately I feel like I've been having to spend way too much time in the bathroom and away from my desk. Ever since my team found an amazing Indian food buffet, my stomach has been taking a beating. Every day I have a gastric exorcism on the 28th floor and feel guilty that it takes me so long to get back to my work.

I would say my average bathroom trip time is around 16 minutes. If that seems like a long time to you, I've had one scenario where I was fighting for my life on the toilet for almost 35 minutes. The janitorial group in my office hates me.

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Comments (65)

Feb 8, 2022 - 12:15pm
CarsnWatches, what's your opinion? Comment below:

A few questions:

How many trips are you doing a day? If it's once a day at 16 mins I don't think that's too bad. 

Do you have to eat the Indian food every day? 

Have you consulted a physician? 

Most Helpful
Feb 8, 2022 - 12:22pm
The Pharma Guy, what's your opinion? Comment below:

It really varied by rank. If you're an Analyst, 15 minutes is the max. Associates are allowed up to 30 and it goes up in 15-minute increments from there. By the time you're an MD, you can stay there for about an hour and shit your brain out. You'll need that time to process the Indian food + pepto + painkillers + drugs flushing our of your system. If you can't shit in under 15 minutes then IB is not the career for you.

Feb 8, 2022 - 1:59pm
Teller in Branch - Personal Loans, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Fastest I've witnessed MD is <2 min all in, including wipe , flush, and exit. He had a call coming up. I could tell it's him from the grunt. Legendary.

VP
  • 16
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Feb 9, 2022 - 8:48am
Healthy, what's your opinion? Comment below:

The key is to flex abs/push while clenching b-hole. This creates the beginnings of a backlog that you can clear in the first 30 seconds of the session. From there, be sure to sit up straight to allow optimal flow. Personally, I also mutter Viking chants or make those obnoxious "ohhmmmm" noises that monks make when they meditate. That way, I'm either tapping into my chakras or the laughter from how ridiculous I sound forces the remainder out. 

Hope this helps. 

Feb 8, 2022 - 12:54pm
WolfofWSO, what's your opinion? Comment below:

https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/paying-attention-to-plumbing

Array

Feb 8, 2022 - 2:08pm
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎, what's your opinion? Comment below:
napoleon solos

I cannot shit in public, the seats are disgusting and the paper too thin.

Cannot or will not? There is a difference. You're going to have to someday. Starbucks bathrooms are decent. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Feb 8, 2022 - 4:21pm
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎, what's your opinion? Comment below:

And if you get caught you can always identify as a female.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 30
Feb 8, 2022 - 5:06pm
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I was in the bathroom one day with my 5th line manager. I had no idea he was in there, but during my time I took a normal shit. I noticed he was being quite loud with wet sputtery moments. It was quite ridiculous and then at the end somehow we both came out of the stalls together. He knew me by name and said hello immediately, but we both knew what just went down in his asshole. He asked me how my job was going and I said I wanted to move to NYC from DC to WFH 100%. He said he would make it happen. Then all my managers said I had his 'blessing', but I'll never forget that crazy shit that went down before this talk.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 8
Feb 8, 2022 - 6:05pm
Layne Staley, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Amazing how we become attuned to our own patterns, and believe what we do is "normal."

If you are shitting out your soul every day, then for the love of all that is holy, make a few tweaks to your diet. Your intestinal epithelium is incredible - the whole thing regenerates every 3-4 days - but my guy, you are not letting your gut do its thing.

Eat some boring food for a few days. Drink water. Take a few normal shits. Be good to yourself.

"Son, life is hard. But it's harder if you're stupid." - my dad
  • 1
Feb 8, 2022 - 8:02pm
punk, what's your opinion? Comment below:

First coffee of the morning plus a juul drag in the bathroom, say a prayer and light a candle, squat on toilet in brace position, unleash the geyser, stand up and admire your handiwork

Feb 9, 2022 - 5:35am
neink, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Highly recommend dietary inclusion of oats, lentils or other seeds to smoothen the process

Never discuss with idiots, first they drag you at their level, then they beat you with experience.

  • 1
Feb 9, 2022 - 12:41pm
neink, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Shitpost when serious, serious when shitpost

Never discuss with idiots, first they drag you at their level, then they beat you with experience.

  • 1
Feb 9, 2022 - 10:31am
ZetaMale, what's your opinion? Comment below:

This lofty discourse demands respectful and thoughtful insights. There are some independent variables connected to toilet duration; some physical, some situational, some mental. Before we get started, a survey by Bathstore (already sounds more reputable than Statista, Data.gov, Gallup, etc.) found that the average male spends 1hr45mins every week going to the toilet (15 mins per day which is pretty close to your 16 mins). I would assume, however, this survey may be misleading and may have a downward bias. I know I would underestimate my time in the bathroom if asked by a stranger. But I digress.

Physical Independent VariablesNot fully exhaustive 

- Size of stool (assume a strong positive correlation between size & time. This variable is likely dependent on an individual's diet, fluid intake)

- Structure of stool [hard, soft] (assume a moderate positive correlation between structure & time. Again there may be some underlying factors here). Please see the Bristol Stool Chart for examples

- Illness [constipation, diarrhea] (likely increases toilet frequency & time duration)

- Bowel health of the individual (assume a moderate positive correlation between health & time. I would note bowel health may bias the individual's perception of stool size)

- Latency between sitting on the toilet and eliminating stool (potential multicollinearity between two or more of the previous independent variables)

- Latency between eliminating stool and cleaning (again, multicollinearity may be present here. Cleaning time may fluctuate due to toilet technology factors like a bidet)

- Latency between cleaning and standing up from the toilet (discussed in Mental Independent Variables)

Situational Independent VariablesNot fully exhaustive 

Public or private bathroom (assume a slightly inverse relationship between public & time, and a moderate positive relationship between private & time)

- Working day schedule intensity (more intensity -> less time, and vice versa. Note: there may be constraints based on physical variables)

- Bathroom cleanliness (less clean -> less time the individual is likely to spend on said toilet. Note: due to physical variables, the individual may not have much of a choice)

Mental Independent VariablesNot fully exhaustive

External mental stimulus [e.g., cell phone, reading materials] (positive correlation. For example, in the middle of a game of online chess, reading helpful & diagnostic posts in WSO about toilet engagement, etc. may increase the latency between cleaning and standing up from the toilet)

- Social anxiety (likely has a strong relationship with Situational variables. Specifically, public bathrooms. Could increase toilet duration through a vicious cycle of physical and emotional distress. Some individuals may have fear of public toilets [germs] and force less time on the toilet, but this sample size is likely too small to be representative of the population) 

We would have to test the null--likely multiple nulls--to see whether we reject or fail to reject the null while keeping in mind Type I & II errors, but considering these variables I think it is reasonable to assume the amount of time on the toilet likely ranges from <1 minute (e.g., fire drill post-Taco Bell) to 60 minutes (e.g., Kevin James level diet in a luxury private bathroom while going for the longest streak in Wordle archives). The probability/frequency of these extremes are likely low (thin kurtosis) and likely skewed towards the left (more extreme values far from the peak on the low side and more frequency).

Therefore, I think it is reasonable to assume the frequency and probability are concentrated around the mean of the left-skewed distribution ~15-20 minutes. You're right in the ballpark. 

Sources: Trust me, bro 

Feb 9, 2022 - 10:42am
Teller in Branch - Personal Loans, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Don't you hate it when the guy next stall lets out an explosively nasty one and the surrounding airflow "overtakes" yours? 

VP
  • 4
Feb 9, 2022 - 10:51am
Teller in Branch - Personal Loans, what's your opinion? Comment below:

That's all nice and great for you for maintaining your throne, but what about the inter-stool gastrointestinal discomfort from the said food? My personal go to is Korean food for the spice, but the bloody outcome makes me wonder if it's all worth taking the beating.

VP
  • 1
Feb 9, 2022 - 12:46pm
Dick Steele, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I don't like using public bathrooms, but I remember one time during my internship I had just had to take a shit. I had to. So, I go into the bathroom there is no one in there, went into the stall and just let it rip. I look down and it's blood mixed with shit. I got so scared and ended up spending like 30 min in the bathroom. Shitting blood and bad Indian food. 

Feb 9, 2022 - 12:53pm
Teller in Branch - Personal Loans, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Gentlemen I think this is a great segue to discuss in detail the nastiest public washrooms you have encountered globally. Lend a hand to a brother by helping him avoid the worst shitholes in a time of dire need.

I'll start. Stopped by Iceland as part of a Euro vacation trip. Had an intense nature's call, so hit the washroom in the airport not far from the customs entry area. Airport Reykjavik is fairly compact for those who have been, so when you have a couple flights landing at the same time it can get crowded. Secured a stall, not too dirty, that's all fine. The lock was a bit loose but time was of the essence so here I went. Time was also extremely of the essence for the next guy who managed to power through that door and caught me mid wipe. Big hairly guy with glasses who was polite and quickly backed off. Fantastic way to start vacation - no sarcasm as we hit the Blue Lagoon on the way to the city, which washed away all shame. Would visit again. 5/5.

VP
  • 3
Feb 9, 2022 - 1:07pm
Dick Steele, what's your opinion? Comment below:

The bathroom in my local public park. The lights haven't been replaced in years, it's always dark in there. People sleep in there and it generally looks like something out of a horror movie. The nastiest bathroom I've ever seen had to be in Pakistan, oh my god.... it was unlike anything I'd ever seen. Shit and piss had filled the toilets to the brim. The smell was the worst part though.

Feb 9, 2022 - 2:06pm
jarstar1, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Segue* 

Worst bathroom was a McDonalds in NYC, the door wasn't on the only stall. I was like 8 years old going to take a leak and there is a grown man sitting on the toilet (leaning over and covering the important bits) suddenly freaking out he's taking a shit in front of a child. He kept apologizing and talking shit about McDonalds, and I was just trying to pee and gtfo.

Feb 9, 2022 - 4:30pm
Deo et Patriae, what's your opinion? Comment below:
VP in PE - LBOs

Gentlemen I think this is a great segue way to discuss in detail the nastiest public washrooms you have encountered globally. Lend a hand to a brother by helping him avoid the worst shitholes in a time of dire need.

I'll start. Stopped by Iceland as part of a Euro vacation trip. Had an intense nature's call, so hit the washroom in the airport not far from the customs entry area. Airport Reykjavik is fairly compact for those who have been, so when you have a couple flights landing at the same time it can get crowded. Secured a stall, not too dirty, that's all fine. The lock was a bit loose but time was of the essence so here I went. Time was also extremely of the essence for the next guy who managed to power through that door and caught me mid wipe. Big hairly guy with glasses who was polite and quickly backed off. Fantastic way to start vacation - no sarcasm as we hit the Blue Lagoon on the way to the city, which washed away all shame. Would visit again. 5/5.

I don't usually do this, but "segue" is pronounced seg-way, so you don't need to add the "way" after "segue"

What you originally wrote, "segue way" would sound like seg-way way, which (should be obvious to you now) is redundant.

Feb 10, 2022 - 10:21am
awfulwaffle, what's your opinion? Comment below:

As a man that went from no bidet -> bidet, I can definitively say that it has INCREASED my total toilet time…IYKYK

On the flip side, having a bidet has absolutely ruined bidet-less toilets for me - toilets that can't shoot a warm stream of water right up my pooper seem positively barbaric now. Be careful what you wish for

Feb 9, 2022 - 6:36pm
SafariJoe, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Fast and Fiduciary

I feel horrible having to make a post like this, but lately I feel like I've been having to spend way too much time in the bathroom and away from my desk. Ever since my team found an amazing Indian food buffet, my stomach has been taking a beating. Every day I have a gastric exorcism on the 28th floor and feel guilty that it takes me so long to get back to my work.

I would say my average bathroom trip time is around 16 minutes. If that seems like a long time to you, I've had one scenario where I was fighting for my life on the toilet for almost 35 minutes. The janitorial group in my office hates me.

In all fairness there is a thing called eating in moderation, secondly, there is a thing called saying no to eating what is not agreeing with your constitution.

SafariJoe, wins again!
Feb 11, 2022 - 11:38am
PeepeeFinancePoopoo, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You're not in IB if you don't push a log into your pants at your desk, the old slip and change 

Life is a road... and I love creating potholes
  • 1
Feb 14, 2022 - 11:08pm
Teller in Branch - Personal Loans, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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VP
Feb 14, 2022 - 11:10pm
Fast and Fiduciary, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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Feb 14, 2022 - 11:57pm
Teller in Branch - Personal Loans, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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VP
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