I feel horrible having to make a post like this, but lately I feel like I've been having to spend way too much time in the bathroom and away from my desk. Ever since my team found an amazing Indian food buffet, my stomach has been taking a beating. Every day I have a gastric exorcism on the 28th floor and feel guilty that it takes me so long to get back to my work.
I would say my average bathroom trip time is around 16 minutes. If that seems like a long time to you, I've had one scenario where I was fighting for my life on the toilet for almost 35 minutes. The janitorial group in my office hates me.
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A few questions:
How many trips are you doing a day? If it's once a day at 16 mins I don't think that's too bad.
Do you have to eat the Indian food every day?
Have you consulted a physician?
Gastric exorcism happens once a day. If it's not Indian food, then it ends up being Mexican, Cuban, or these horrible deli sandwiches. I also can't eat anything without hot sauce which doesn't help my case.
It really varied by rank. If you're an Analyst, 15 minutes is the max. Associates are allowed up to 30 and it goes up in 15-minute increments from there. By the time you're an MD, you can stay there for about an hour and shit your brain out. You'll need that time to process the Indian food + pepto + painkillers + drugs flushing our of your system. If you can't shit in under 15 minutes then IB is not the career for you.
Thank you for the insight, I am currently taking the WSO guide on how to push harder
Fastest I’ve witnessed MD is <2 min all in, including wipe , flush, and exit. He had a call coming up. I could tell it’s him from the grunt. Legendary.
The key is to flex abs/push while clenching b-hole. This creates the beginnings of a backlog that you can clear in the first 30 seconds of the session. From there, be sure to sit up straight to allow optimal flow. Personally, I also mutter Viking chants or make those obnoxious "ohhmmmm" noises that monks make when they meditate. That way, I'm either tapping into my chakras or the laughter from how ridiculous I sound forces the remainder out.
Hope this helps.
Noted, thanks. When asked “Why IB” I can now officially answer because I meet the shitting requirements.
https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/paying-attention-to-plumbing
I cannot shit in public, the seats are disgusting and the paper too thin.
Cannot or will not? There is a difference. You’re going to have to someday. Starbucks bathrooms are decent.
Biggest pro tip for shitting in public is to use female restrooms. 99% of the time they are much cleaner than the men's and no one gives a shit you went in there.
And if you get caught you can always identify as a female.
I was in the bathroom one day with my 5th line manager. I had no idea he was in there, but during my time I took a normal shit. I noticed he was being quite loud with wet sputtery moments. It was quite ridiculous and then at the end somehow we both came out of the stalls together. He knew me by name and said hello immediately, but we both knew what just went down in his asshole. He asked me how my job was going and I said I wanted to move to NYC from DC to WFH 100%. He said he would make it happen. Then all my managers said I had his ‘blessing’, but I’ll never forget that crazy shit that went down before this talk.
I don't know if I would be able to look a man in the eyes after that
Amazing how we become attuned to our own patterns, and believe what we do is "normal."
If you are shitting out your soul every day, then for the love of all that is holy, make a few tweaks to your diet. Your intestinal epithelium is incredible - the whole thing regenerates every 3-4 days - but my guy, you are not letting your gut do its thing.
Eat some boring food for a few days. Drink water. Take a few normal shits. Be good to yourself.
First coffee of the morning plus a juul drag in the bathroom, say a prayer and light a candle, squat on toilet in brace position, unleash the geyser, stand up and admire your handiwork
whats the name of the restaurant
Bengal Indian Cuisine. Doesn't look like much from the outside but its great food
Any Indian cuisine I’m down. Best spices in the world.
Highly recommend dietary inclusion of oats, lentils or other seeds to smoothen the process
Guys let’s not overcrowd the only useful comment on this thread right here ^
Shitpost when serious, serious when shitpost
Heard you can shit for up to 20 mins at BofA but only up to 10 mins at GS/MS/JPM
Prestige factor is at play here
This lofty discourse demands respectful and thoughtful insights. There are some independent variables connected to toilet duration; some physical, some situational, some mental. Before we get started, a survey by Bathstore (already sounds more reputable than Statista, Data.gov, Gallup, etc.) found that the average male spends 1hr45mins every week going to the toilet (15 mins per day which is pretty close to your 16 mins). I would assume, however, this survey may be misleading and may have a downward bias. I know I would underestimate my time in the bathroom if asked by a stranger. But I digress.
Physical Independent Variables: Not fully exhaustive
- Size of stool (assume a strong positive correlation between size & time. This variable is likely dependent on an individual's diet, fluid intake)
- Structure of stool [hard, soft] (assume a moderate positive correlation between structure & time. Again there may be some underlying factors here). Please see the Bristol Stool Chart for examples
- Illness [constipation, diarrhea] (likely increases toilet frequency & time duration)
- Bowel health of the individual (assume a moderate positive correlation between health & time. I would note bowel health may bias the individual's perception of stool size)
- Latency between sitting on the toilet and eliminating stool (potential multicollinearity between two or more of the previous independent variables)
- Latency between eliminating stool and cleaning (again, multicollinearity may be present here. Cleaning time may fluctuate due to toilet technology factors like a bidet)
- Latency between cleaning and standing up from the toilet (discussed in Mental Independent Variables)
Situational Independent Variables: Not fully exhaustive
- Public or private bathroom (assume a slightly inverse relationship between public & time, and a moderate positive relationship between private & time)
- Working day schedule intensity (more intensity -> less time, and vice versa. Note: there may be constraints based on physical variables)
- Bathroom cleanliness (less clean -> less time the individual is likely to spend on said toilet. Note: due to physical variables, the individual may not have much of a choice)
Mental Independent Variables: Not fully exhaustive
- External mental stimulus [e.g., cell phone, reading materials] (positive correlation. For example, in the middle of a game of online chess, reading helpful & diagnostic posts in WSO about toilet engagement, etc. may increase the latency between cleaning and standing up from the toilet)
- Social anxiety (likely has a strong relationship with Situational variables. Specifically, public bathrooms. Could increase toilet duration through a vicious cycle of physical and emotional distress. Some individuals may have fear of public toilets [germs] and force less time on the toilet, but this sample size is likely too small to be representative of the population)
We would have to test the null--likely multiple nulls--to see whether we reject or fail to reject the null while keeping in mind Type I & II errors, but considering these variables I think it is reasonable to assume the amount of time on the toilet likely ranges from <1 minute (e.g., fire drill post-Taco Bell) to 60 minutes (e.g., Kevin James level diet in a luxury private bathroom while going for the longest streak in Wordle archives). The probability/frequency of these extremes are likely low (thin kurtosis) and likely skewed towards the left (more extreme values far from the peak on the low side and more frequency).
Therefore, I think it is reasonable to assume the frequency and probability are concentrated around the mean of the left-skewed distribution ~15-20 minutes. You're right in the ballpark.
Sources: Trust me, bro
Happy to say I read this while absolutely blowing my colon out in the office bathroom.
What an odd coincidence as I wrote this while executing a thumb-over-garden-hose evacuation.
Don’t you hate it when the guy next stall lets out an explosively nasty one and the surrounding airflow “overtakes” yours?
I've been able to maintain my bathroom dominance. I wait until I'm at capacity in order to produce the most tumultuous splash. My diet of Frank's Red Hot and Indian Curry enables me to deter any unwanted bathroom guests while I perch on my throne.
That’s all nice and great for you for maintaining your throne, but what about the inter-stool gastrointestinal discomfort from the said food? My personal go to is Korean food for the spice, but the bloody outcome makes me wonder if it’s all worth taking the beating.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I shit on company time.
Shame that the boss hollers at me, says it’s lame and a crime
I prefer my gin and tonics with lime...
Ok. I'll see myself out.
I don’t like using public bathrooms, but I remember one time during my internship I had just had to take a shit. I had to. So, I go into the bathroom there is no one in there, went into the stall and just let it rip. I look down and it’s blood mixed with shit. I got so scared and ended up spending like 30 min in the bathroom. Shitting blood and bad Indian food.
Gentlemen I think this is a great segue to discuss in detail the nastiest public washrooms you have encountered globally. Lend a hand to a brother by helping him avoid the worst shitholes in a time of dire need.
I’ll start. Stopped by Iceland as part of a Euro vacation trip. Had an intense nature’s call, so hit the washroom in the airport not far from the customs entry area. Airport Reykjavik is fairly compact for those who have been, so when you have a couple flights landing at the same time it can get crowded. Secured a stall, not too dirty, that’s all fine. The lock was a bit loose but time was of the essence so here I went. Time was also extremely of the essence for the next guy who managed to power through that door and caught me mid wipe. Big hairly guy with glasses who was polite and quickly backed off. Fantastic way to start vacation - no sarcasm as we hit the Blue Lagoon on the way to the city, which washed away all shame. Would visit again. 5/5.
There is an outdoor public bathroom right outside Nikki Beach in South Beach, Miami. My god...
The bathroom in my local public park. The lights haven’t been replaced in years, it’s always dark in there. People sleep in there and it generally looks like something out of a horror movie. The nastiest bathroom I’ve ever seen had to be in Pakistan, oh my god.... it was unlike anything I’d ever seen. Shit and piss had filled the toilets to the brim. The smell was the worst part though.
Segue*
Worst bathroom was a McDonalds in NYC, the door wasn't on the only stall. I was like 8 years old going to take a leak and there is a grown man sitting on the toilet (leaning over and covering the important bits) suddenly freaking out he's taking a shit in front of a child. He kept apologizing and talking shit about McDonalds, and I was just trying to pee and gtfo.
Thanks, fixed!
I don't usually do this, but "segue" is pronounced seg-way, so you don't need to add the "way" after "segue"
What you originally wrote, "segue way" would sound like seg-way way, which (should be obvious to you now) is redundant.
Thanks man. Truly a shit post I made.
I will also take some bidet recommendations. I think this asset will vastly reduce my toilet time.
As a man that went from no bidet —> bidet, I can definitively say that it has INCREASED my total toilet time…IYKYK
On the flip side, having a bidet has absolutely ruined bidet-less toilets for me - toilets that can’t shoot a warm stream of water right up my pooper seem positively barbaric now. Be careful what you wish for
oh I know ;)
In all fairness there is a thing called eating in moderation, secondly, there is a thing called saying no to eating what is not agreeing with your constitution.
Nice troll - at least you can confidently say that these hours in the bathroom were well spent on your humour
You're not in IB if you don't push a log into your pants at your desk, the old slip and change
Moelis analysts get trained at this during their SA
Maybe if they want you be faster, they should get better TP.
Valid. Wiping contributes to at least a third of the time im in there
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