Confidence vs. self-awareness
Society values confidence, but I have found that it is often inversely proportional to self-awareness and personal standards. How should confidence be weighed when there are buffoons patting themselves on the back for tying their shoes on LinkedIn while HYP “insecure overachievers” are posting 4 am existential meltdowns in the IB forum?
I’m working closely with a junior who has ascertained that he is useless when he is actually probably the best we’ve had in years and only occasionally fails to deliver because they assign him 4x more work than his peers. The kid is sharp as hell but incredibly insecure and I honestly don’t know how to help him.
I’m sure his Jewish mother did a number on him, but he (and many competent others before him) makes me question why self-assuredness is so important, especially when there are so many snake oil salesmen and overconfident adult children fucking everywhere. Some of the most confident people I know are complacent in their mediocrity or delusional as hell. Thoughts?
And don’t start with that “self-love self-acceptance” psychobabble that is the scourge of why society is so fucked nowadays.
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I think self-scrutiny and confidence are both necessary for success.
Self-awareness of one's flaws coupled with a confident, steadfast desire for self-improvement and a belief in one's ability to achieve one's goals is probably the most winning and effective mindset. Hence why humility and confidence are both valued characteristics, whereas excessive self-doubt or arrogance aren't. Once people realize your confidence isn't backed by any underlying ability it loses its charm.
Problem is if you skew too much towards one or the other you limit yourself. Too much self-doubt and you don't believe in your ambitions and are paralysed. Too much confidence and you set unrealistic expectations or fail to correct your mistakes. Your capable junior would probably benefit from having a bit more self-belief while other people could benefit from having more humility.
I wouldn't say society values confidence more than humility; humble people are beloved. However, I think more people feel comfortable expressing confidence than humility because self-criticism is more emotionally demanding and requires intelligence for self-analysis; hence why so many people on social networks post their non-sense. You see the praise these posts get but you don't see the thousands silently face-palming
"Those who know do not speak, those who speak do not know."
"The whole problem with the world is fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts."
I guess humans just don't change huh! Also, we have a term for those who are super self-aware. We call them clinically depressed (forget where this is from lol).
I’m convinced that stoicism needs to be mandatory in schools.
Stoicism is good to quiet your mind if you are a Type A achiever but it could also be misinterpreted by others to deem their bare minimum effort as sufficient or to absolve themselves of adult responsibilities.
I know so many people who read self help books and listen to podcasts of that nature (Jordan Peterson, etc) and accomplish nothing yet that is all excused because they are “at peace with themselves”. Just seems like stoicism (and meditation) are forms of escapism in a sense
You are helping him, my friend. You certainly are.
Just keep reminding him of all this. Change takes time... and remember you're going upstream deeply-rooted unconscious beliefs that have been formulated back in childhood.
Parents have probably played a very important role..
Your friend may have been neglected as a child and as a result, he had to strive to guarantee the love of his parents. He was never good enough to their eyes.
Or conversely, he was given too much attention because of his talents and now that he entered the real world, he thinks that he has to deliver 4x or 10x more work than his peers to guarantee acceptance and love from others..
You know what? Be curious. Explore that insecure part of his... Because if he feels really insecure as you're saying and you go hard like "Bro you are the strongest gorilla in the jungle" then... you may sometimes create even more tension and frustration.
Better say something like... you know what? I think you are the best but fair enough.. let's explore that insecure part of you to see what is trying to protect here... I'm open.... let's discuss it.
In the discomfort, you often find a lot of golden nuggets and insights that help you understand the root of the issue. Be curious, talk to him and go deeper. I'm sure he trusts you, you can make a difference for him (and you are making). Good luck and well done on posting this. You are a good mentor.
Hot take but confidence is a complete meme. The only way to actually be confident is to be competent. People respond to external stimulus and modulate their behavior accordingly. Nobody had to teach a popular/attractive middle schooler or high schooler to be "confident" in themselves. If people naturally gravitate to you or consistently react in a positive manner to the things you say, you are going to be comfortable and confident in yourself - it's a self-fulfilling and self-perpetuating behavioral cycle.
If you aren't confident in yourself because you think you are, let's say, not attractive or not fit - then you're probably right, and you are completely justified in feeling that way. Rather than pointlessly directing your energy to try to change how the world sees beauty or to try to gaslight people into thinking they are "fatphobic," practice some self-awareness and hit the gym. The only thing worse than "accepting yourself for how you are" is expecting others to buy into the bullshit too.
I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but as a generally heuristic, you really can't go wrong with this mindset. It's like the Jocko Willink "extreme ownership" version of self-awareness and personal growth. The caveat is that you should be legitimately self-aware of when you are actually good, else you take on the risk of being too dependent on others' approval and becoming the feeding ground for any manipative relationship you get into.
Eh, I don’t agree. Another data point for my original argument: plenty of hot girls think they’re hideous and end up with eating disorders while an army of corn fed “thicc” girls and butterfaces think they are God’s gift to mankind. Again, different personal standards resulting in wildly disparate levels of confidence. One could argue that the former has taken the concept of “extreme ownership” to the edge while the latter can’t even take responsibility for their last 15 “cheat” meals.
Ok, I would definitely agree with you here. Although I guess an argument could be made that the both of those sets of girls have "faulty" self awareness systems in place that they're using. In the presence of properly function sense of self-awareness, my post more or less holds true. Regarding girls who are trying to starve themselves because they think they are still fat, it's not that they're trying to become "too fit" it's just that their conception of fitness is just plain incorrect.
I do agree though that if your personal standards for yourself are very out of whack with reality, one way or another, your efforts will be for naught. The point is, if you realize that you're actually not just "Perfect just how you are," the goal should be to change yourself, not get the world around you to change their opinions.
We could go into the specifics of how all beauty is just the result of evolutionary biology and every marker of attractiveness has a complementary evolutionary purpose, but that's a whole other discussion.
Agreed, you definitely meet people who are objectively mediocre in every way but have massive self-confidence. It seems to work out pretty well for them. There's only so far you can get if you're mediocre, but their self-image gets them better outcomes than they'd get otherwise. I look at these people with a mixture of contempt and envy.
I think a lot of it just comes down to brain chemistry. Some of that is driven by external "real world" stimuli that create positive feedback loops, but some of it isn't. Trying a beta blocker was a pretty eye-opening experience for me: a hour later making a high-stakes public presentation felt like chilling out with close friends, even thought nothing in my external life had changed at all. But some people are sort of like that all the time.
Being competent and popular are two different concepts re: what you're saying in the first paragraph
You seem to be saying that if people gravitate towards you that means you are competent and the act of affirmation from others brings confidence instead of your competence itself.
In a professional setting, I have found that one of the best ways to foster confidence in analysts is to constantly put them in situations where they need to take a risk (proportional to their abilities and confidence, of course) and let them work it out.
Over time the ones that are meant to become confident will become so, because they will learn to trust their instincts when faced with something uncertain.
100% agree. That's how the world works. I think the reason might be because most people are dumb, so they can't figure out if somebody is actually good or not, so they just assume that the confident ones are confident because they're good, and so they judge by the level of confidence, which is why it's important.
With respect to your junior please have a heart to heart. You have no idea how valuable your words will be if you tell him that he's doing a really good job, and you appreciate how hard he has been working. Seriously, this will mean alot to him.
I definitely do but even fawning over him wouldn’t do much since it’s in one ear and out the other. Funny how he cannot absorb a much deserved compliment while others expect accolades for basic human accomplishments
I think everyone has frailties, nothing wrong with that
It's good to be confident despite that as well
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