Cousin Andy's Incremental Steps Toward Manhood

Story time once again, monkeys. I hosted family in NYC for Christmas for one god damn day and I feel like I ripped half my hair out. I still have plenty of it though, it will grow back, and just to make sure you understand how genetically fit I am, it's a guarantee that it's never going to thin in the slightest. Both of my grandfathers are in their 80s and both have a full head of hair. All four of my great grandfathers are underground with, you guessed it, full heads of hair.

Any fucking way, here's an update on Cousin Andy, the jackass that I couldn't get laid, hard as I tried. He's got one semester left and he's saying he's going to get a Master's in applied statistics and work for an insurance company or some shit. So much for following in my footsteps. I guess he saw my fast-paced sexy lifestyle this summer and decided he'd rather jerk off in the mid-century pink-tiled bathroom of a house in Raleigh-Durham for the rest of his life while his wife who's a 4-going-on-3 stirs a saucepan of lard in the kitchen and calls it dinner.

But if that's what he wants, at least he's made progress toward that future, sad as it is. Andy brought a girl with him for this visit. He's talking about "love" and "marriage" and all this other gay shit. She's a butterface to be sure, but I can't say I wouldn't bang from behind. And I did convince him, apparently, to start a regimen of Woodford and creatine. He doesn't even lift, but he puts away a couple shots of the stuff when he's feeling "sad," as I've instructed. Poor guy should already be a burgeoning alcoholic based on how often he looks sad.

All in all, I feel like I've made a start. Gertrude or whatever his girlfriend's name is (don't care) seemed a little more interested in me than in Andy. She dug her chewed-off lesbianish thumbnail into my scrotum under the dinner table, but I ever so graciously got her the right amount of drunk to go back to the hotel and put out for him.

So he's banged two girls in his life now, and if I can just convince him to get a haircut that doesn't involve a bowl, then I think he stands a chance out there in the field, though he'll never crush pussy like I do if he's thrown in the towel on Wall Street.

I'm wondering if I should try and double down on getting this idiot up to speed with the good life. It'd be easy enough to break him and his girl up, I'd just have to bring a few buddies on a road trip to his school for the weekend and she'll definitely take one of them over Andy any day, no homo.

Is it even worth it to try and get this kid into a finance career? I sure as hell wouldn't want to work with him.