Can I turn a jackass into a champion?

Fear The Bulge's picture
Rank: King Kong | 1,849

How many of you guys have a stupid younger cousin named Andy who's a senior at a target school and is pissing away any chance of excellence by drinking moderately and having the confidence of a kicked puppy? All of you? Cool, so I'm about to tell you a very relatable story.

Andy's about to start his last year at [good school but I'm not telling you since this fucking kid's life is already bad enough] with a major in applied statistics and he wants to become a trader and crush it like me, which would be fucking tight, but I never imagined my protege would be a pimply kid who wears cargo shorts, who'd certainly still be a virgin at 21 were it not for some hideous goth girl from his Stratego group who clearly hates herself and her father.

My aunt (my dad's sister, Andy's mom) is cool though, and works on Wall Street, so we were getting a drink one night about a month ago and she basically got me drunk just so I would agree to let Andy come stay with me at the end of the summer.

Well, the weekend of his visit has finally come and gone, and now I'll share a snippet with you to warn you against making the same mistake I did.

Andy got to my apartment on Friday at 2pm, which is hours earlier than we agreed to, and he managed to get the doorman to let him in by crying. Dude started tearing up because he couldn't just go wait at a Starbucks for a few hours.

My doorman is this gay Czech dude who probably thought he could take advantage of this noob's vulnerability. Unfortunately for him, Andy not only has no game with girls, but is TERRIBLE at getting hit on by anyone, which is why I made it my mission Friday night to try and get him laid. I thought it would be fun/funny because it's basically impossible, like teaching a dog to play the guitar.

When I got home later on Friday, I mixed him up some Woodford and Creatine, which he promptly barfed into his hand. I had to give him a Red Bull for chaser. This did get him perked up and a little looser with his verbal skills. We practiced. I said, "Andy, do you know how to ask a girl to come home with you?" He said, "Oh, uh, erm, ah, I dunno, I guess..."

God dammit, Andy.

He wouldn't agree to any coke so I snorted it all for myself and pretty soon I was practically carrying him into the club. I gave him a lecture about how bottle service doesn't get you laid, but for someone like him it would be like having a five second head start against Usain Bolt in the 100: probably not enough, but still, a significant leg up.

Three hours of drinking later, he was almost asleep, and therefore ready to have girls come over to the table. I picked out this 6-ish brunette chick with smeared eye makeup for him. Definitely in shape, but not a lady of high standards.

How can I tell, you ask? The Hair Theorem: For every separate hair color on a girl's head, she is willing to lower her standards by one point from her own level. Example: a woman who is an 8 and has just one hair color will sleep with a 7, but not a 6. This woman was a 6, but had four different colors of nasty chunky highlights, which meant she would go for a 2, luckily for Andy.

Anyway, Jesus, to make a long story short, Andy tried to bed her by telling her I had coke, which is an absolute dick move, but I did send the message that all's fair in love and war. The three of us went back to my place, she swallowed $200 of my Vegas winnings up her nose holes, and then took a 30 minute shower during which Andy passed out on the couch. I had to get her an Uber and she used three towels.

Fuck Andy. On the way to Grand Central he asked me if I would write him a letter of recommendation. I told him I would think about it if he could shape the fuck up before graduation. I wrote him a shopping list with Shake Weight, "The Game," and a single decent fucking pair of pants on it.

In conclusion, I'm not trying to make this kid my personal project, but I am not a fucking pussy when it comes to a challenge, so I'm conflicted. What are some additional resources to turn a zero into a hero? (I wouldn't know; I've been a 10 since pre-K)

Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #34 for the past year

Comments (28)

Aug 22, 2016

Those who can't, teach. You might be out of luck on teaching Andy yourself. I'd seek the advice of some mid-range bros that can help the kid out.

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Best Response
Aug 22, 2016

for anyone wondering, this story isn't about me

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

    • 33
Aug 23, 2016

Webinar: 22-year-old virgin to WSO COO - 8pm ET, 8/29/2016

    • 9
Aug 22, 2016

that'd be like an 8 hour webinar

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

    • 1
Aug 23, 2016

God dammit, AndyLouis.

Fuck AndyLouis. On the way to Grand Central he asked me if I would write him a letter of recommendation.

THERE. Better now.

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

Learn More

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Aug 22, 2016

If the kid can't willingly be corrupted by nose beers and loose women then I think the only move realistically is to haze him until he accepts the savagery for what it is. At the very least you should be commended for even thinking about taking on the challenge in the first place.

'"The floggings will continue until morale improves"

Aug 23, 2016

Andy lacks self-confidence. It's not that easy to change.

Learn More

Side-by-side comparison of top modeling training courses + exclusive discount through WSO here.

Aug 23, 2016

Or he could read blumie's anecdotes. Now that's a legend

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

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Aug 23, 2016

The Hair Theorem: For every separate hair color on a girl's head, she is willing to lower her standards by one point from her own level. Example: a woman who is an 8 and has just one hair color will sleep with a 7, but not a 6. This woman was a 6, but had four different colors of nasty chunky highlights, which meant she would go for a 2, luckily for Andy

interesting theory, never heard it before but seems like it would make sense. gonna start hanging outside Gene Juarez

What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?

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Aug 23, 2016

So I have a friend who is similar to your Andy, lets call him Randy. Randy used to be the biggest shitshow out of all of us in College but got sober like an idiot like five years ago. This is good and bad. Good because he is always DD but bad because he's not always down to watch me and my posse get shityourpants drunk at unreasonable hours. So what do we do to get the poor dude some cheeks? We play the have you met Randy game? Yea I know I stole it from HIMYM but fuck it, it's hilarious. "Have you met Randy, he's the heir to the beanie baby fortune?" "Have you met Randy, he's recently homeless?" "Have you met Randy, he can't grow pubes?"

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Aug 23, 2016

Speaking of HIMYM - this op has a great Barney Stinson vibe going on

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Aug 23, 2016

Made an absolute utter shit day better bro, keep it up!!! The creatine and woodford should have diagnosed his beta symptoms but i guess andy is a special case.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

Aug 23, 2016

This is literally the best thing I've read in days, and I wrote something today.

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Aug 24, 2016

fax machine/

How is my grammar? Drop me a note with any errors you see!

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Aug 25, 2016

Assuming no troll...

No. There is nothing YOU can do to make him change.

However there is quite a bit that you can make HIM do. Remember that no amount of bullshit self-esteem programming will build confidence. Confidence comes from what people do.

Think about what you can get him to do with you. How about you all spend a weekend at a place like this? It would be good for both of you.

https://www.trackerschool.com/

Aug 23, 2016

FTB, do not change a thing.

@AndyLouis this bro better make the ballot for poster of the year

Aug 22, 2016

haha i will, ftb is on a roll

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Aug 26, 2016

You sound like a total d-bag. Who gives a fuck... At the very least, hopefully the kid has enough interview skills to land a job.

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Aug 26, 2016

sar*casm (n): The use of irony to mock or convey contempt

'Fear the Bulge uses sarcasm to make fun of and troll the WSO community'

Aug 26, 2016

In terms of trolling, it's not a very entertaining one. Sounds like some 18-year-old frat dork from Shitville State.

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Aug 27, 2016

in terms of what?? women??

if thats the case, then no, there is nothing you can really do, nothing he can do, etc. its all set in stone in terms of how he looks. i would know.. did well until i got deformed, now im fucked.

maybe suggest surgery if he has any clear flaws that can be fixed.

am i shamelessly posting in your troll thread to just push whatever i want??? yes.

am i right though?? yes.

Aug 25, 2016
post-mortem capital:

in terms of what?? women??

<

p>if thats the case, then no, there is nothing you can really do, nothing he can do, etc. its all set in stone in terms of how he looks. i would know.. did well until i got deformed, now im fucked.

Bullshit. The dude with the absolute best game I have ever seen is a short, fat, ugly ex-con. It also happens that said dude is a professional stage performer so he knows how to carry the right "swag" to appeal to women. I also know a number of biker type dudes......most of them are also butt ugly and have no problems getting laid whatsoever.

You know what they've got? Attitude. Most of these dudes may not be pretty but they are very obvious "bad boys" who offer women a thrill that none of the pretty boys could ever hope to match.

The point here is not that looks don't matter, because they do. The point is that if you don't have looks you need to offer something else instead. A six pack, fitted suit, and new shoes can go a long way to compensate for an ugly bald head. Just ask a Russian mobster near you.

Aug 27, 2016

lol, thats cute... but just so wrong.

i would have thought that guys here, most of which im assuming are intelligent and went to good schools, would know more about the dating scene and be able to quantify it.

women care only about your looks, money, and status. HOWEVER, ONLY LOOKS can create sexual attraction. therefore, if you want whoever you are fucking to be more than just a "loophole whore", looks become the only factor, as they are the only thing that creates genuine attraction.

you also have to keep in mind that looks go beyond that... they create your feeback loop and will carve out your behavior and personality over time. people treat you based on how you look = you over time having a certain feedback loop = your personality and behavior emerges from this.

me personally, i used to look good but got deformed (look up torticollis) , am a virgin, and go to a target school, but am considering dropping out primarily due to looks/they are at least the root cause.

i would argue that barring poverty, looks are the most important factor in life.

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Aug 28, 2016
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Aug 30, 2016