Depressed College Senior
I secured a MF PE FT offer at a firm most kids on here would cut off their left arm to go to and now my life just feels empty because I have nothing to chase. I spent 4 years in college chasing this, to the detriment of everything else.
My strength is not where I want it to be. I have alright friends, but no close friends. I have spectacularly crushed every shot at love I had in college.
I abuse multiple substances and rely on meaningless sex to cope because these are the two things left in my life that bring me happiness. Prior to this year, I was able to cope because I was so focused on chasing some career goal. It's gone for me now, at least until FT begins. I tried to cope before lying to myself that my career was worth the sacrifice. It wasn't worth anything.
If I could go back four years, I would do so much differently. Some of these problems are caused by issues from childhood, out of my control, but I would still do so much differently. I would have put more effort into my friendships. I would have told the only girl I ever loved that I loved her, instead of waiting until she gave up on me. I would have worked out more. I made so many sacrifices. I did so much wrong. Nothing was worth it.
I go to bed most days this semester contemplating suicide. I go to bed most days feeling so very alone. I've come very close to ending it, the only reason I haven't is because of how much it would hurt my parents. I just feel like I ruined the best years of my life.
Does it get better? Can it get better? I know my faults. I know what I need to fix. But I just don't know if its too late to change. I feel like I've ruined everything.
This is not parody. I tried to write vague in a style I usually don't write in so I'm not recognized.
OP, relax. No point in dwelling on what’s done. Future is bright and full of opportunity, and it sounds like you’re starting your role soon. Learn from yesterday and don’t repeat the same mistakes tomorrow.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass. If you feel this way in college, MF PE is going to be much, much worse. You need to get on top of this.
I’ve been depressed before and even had a suicide attempt in HS that nearly killed me, but I bounced back and can tell you things really do get better.
First things first - you likely should see a psychiatrist. He/she can fix some behavioral issues and possibly get you on some meds if you need them. Some things you will learn at the psychiatrist:
- Establish a solid support system of friends and family. Talk to them about what you’re going through.
- Journal what you’re going through (works for some, but I don’t do it anymore - I used to do it in tiny little moleskin books you could fit in your back pocket)
- Be cognizant of the substances you’re putting in your body. If you’re intaking depressants, you may feel depressed.
- Know your stressors and establish coping mechanisms to release positive and negative stress.
- Keep a good circadian rhythm and walk outside and workout every now and then.
- You are what you eat. Try to keep a healthy diet with lots of fruits and vegetables and fiber.
- Take at least 5,000 IUs of D3 per day along with a multivitamin.
- Spiritual awareness - take time each day to mediate, pray, or just say thank you in your mind for all of your blessings. Many people meditate in the morning even as little as 5min and give thanks at night before bed. You have a lot in your life to be thankful for - don’t take it for granted.
If you do all these things, the fog will begin to lift and you will feel like a different person. Good luck and Godspeed.
Also, sleep is very important.
Another thought - BJJ or/and Muay Thai will change your life. Think about signing up for a place - you will gain a strong support system and will get into the best shape of your life. And it’s fun. Cheers -
Only gets better if you start taking action but take it day by day. Agree with Isaiah’s point of getting enough sleep, try waking up early and make it a routine. You mentioned you wish you worked out more? What’s stopping you now? Pair up the waking up early habit with hitting the gym, lifting some weights consistently always made me feel better and helped me grow my confidence.
Besides that, try some things out of your comfort zone, like joining a new club and making new friends (if I could go back, I would had joined an anime club or video game club). Regarding your current friend situations, maybe start trying to make plans with them where you are taking the initiative? Hey guys, I’m cooking dinner tonight, do you guys want to come? Hey trying to host a poker night this Friday, you should all come? I’m someone who doesn’t particularly like people and unfortunately have a lot of friends from growing up, so whenever I get the weird urge to reconnect, doing the above helps.
Most importantly what helped me out the most was just spending more time with my family. I love my family and absolutely cherish the time I spend with them and it’s always a blast. My mom is literally my best friend, I would rather stay home and watch a movie with her than go out with people (been through those stages of going out/meeting girls/etc.). It’s hard being unhappy when you are surrounded by people that love you no matter what. I’m fortunate that I have a good loving mom and spending time with her makes the world seem better. As I have gotten older, I still don’t understand the world and the traumas of growing up/other still affect me a lot but the above has helped me to the point that I’m not depressed (most of the time) and genuinely like being alive.
You need to address this before working 80-90 hour weeks. Life is so much more important than a prestigious job.
I think it’s only when we finally achieve something that we’ve been striving for do we realize what the goal really means to us deep down. Did you strive for it for internal reasons? Or was it just to please others/get clout/something that was not sustainable? I think this self-reflection is a healthy part of someone who keeps striving and doesn’t want to be satisfied the way things just are. I get that for sure.
If you want to talk, I am free to DM. Happy to think things through with ya.
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