Explain Your Job to a Child

I help people solve problems they can't solve alone. Consulting.

Buy low, sell high.

I show people numbers that make them feel good about themselves

Number crunching parasite

I make the world a better place.

Babysit CEOs

wake up at 10-11, browse memes all day, play LoL, hang out with colleagues, eat food, write code for 1-2 hours

(this was from my intern experience, very close to FT)

turn money into more money

Convince higher ups that either Company A has the midas touch or is a flaming pile of poop, with the same numbers.

I help clients buy buildings, sell buildings,rent buildings, and even gather a lot of money together to buy more expensive buildings

Use programs to make numbers prettier than they are

One day, horrified parents of little Bobby are urgently summoned to a parent-teacher meeting. The teacher informs them that Bobby told the whole class that Bobbys mom is an exotic dancer and that Bobbys dad plays the piano in a brothel. "Well", says the dad, "my wife Linda is a corporate lawyer and I trade credit derivatives, but Bobby is apparently embarrassed by our career choices".

On a serious note, my parents still think I am a bank teller.

https://dealbook.nytimes.com/2009/11/09/goldman-chief-says-he-is-just-d…</a">I'm doing God's work.

I listen to my testicular impulses on which companies to invest in while attempting to ignore my testicular impulses on copulating with an intern.

I find that distinction--which testicle-driven impulses to follow and which to deny--to be the primary purpose of this portion of my life.

On a related point, how women make decisions without testicles is a complete mystery.

I put two buttons and see what comes out (test engineering).

I help poor people get richer by doing things they don't know how to do! But that means I can spend a lot of hours doing nothing!

I explain to people what they're doing wrong, and laugh when they ask for help after showing them a dubiously high bill-rate.

I build big buildings

Shut down companies that dont know how to run them

Assuming I worked for a salary:

The optimistic, mainstream version-- "I provide my time to help make the world a better place, in return for reward tokens (money).

The pessimistic, truly morbid version-- "I sell the most valuable, irreplaceable thing in my life. My time. In return, they give me a few reward tokens but keep most of the tokens for themselves. After I am unable to sell my time, I die."

Provide buyers with excuses to pay too much money for apartment buildings using other people's money.

i take money from other peoples pockets...and put it into my own pocket. Sometimes....other people take money from my pockets. I try to stop them....but sometimes, i'm unable.

Genesis 1.

I help businesses grow by lending them money.

Credit Risk Analyst

You know the guy that sells Ice cream the the corner shop? I do the same with companies.

Sell-Side IB

"I already told you: I deal with the customers so the engineers don't have to. What's wrong with you guys? I'M A PEOPLE PERSON!"