Grass is greener syndrome in relationships - anyone else here struggle with it?

Been with my girlfriend for 5 years, we're in our mid-20s and she's looking for more of a commitment in the form of moving in. She checks all the boxes - cute, funny, sociable, smart, ambitious, kind-hearted, giving sexually, similar values, etc. But I am a total maximizer, and probably have some weird attachment issues where being loved by someone so thoroughly bores me. So I'm wondering what else is out there. So we're on a kind of a pause right now as I figure that out. 

Feel like if I leave her I'll regret it for the rest of my life, but feel like if I stay these issues will re-arise. Though to counter the second point, I have made some realizations around "grass is greener where you water it", "marry your best friend", and am actually trying therapy like she's always asked me to, so maybe this go around I can get my shit together. But I'm scared as hell at this point of hurting her.

I just want to "know" like other people know, but something tells me I never will, with anyone. It's been fucking depressing to think about, to be honest. Not just "my heart is broken" depressing, but like existential, what the hell is wrong with me depressing. 

This forum is full of maximizers - seems like a lot of people stress about the perfect exit, the perfect WLB to pay ratio, the perfect prestigious job. I'm wondering if people have seen that seep into their relationships, and was wondering if they ever matured out of it or how they rationalized / dealt with it. Did you "settle" for the great girl on paper? Did you break things off and find yourself in a cycle of being perpetually single, unable to commit? Did it all "click" one day with the initial girl, or with a later one?

 

Hi man,

I am exactly in the same spot as you now, struggling because she ticks every box on paper but I sometimes get doubts about whether she is the one or not.
 

Signs that makes me think I have it good:

- She is loving and caring

- She has the right values (family, honesty, ...)

- I really care about her, I want her to be happy and I try hard to make her happy

- She projects herself with me and discuss future life together (build a family, buy a home, etc.)

Signs that scare me:

- I am not in love like I would sacrifice everything (career, move abroad, etc.) for her

- She compromises more than I do in our relationship

- I am sometimes dreaming about a life where I would find a perfect girl that I really can't live without, a burning love that takes over anything else

- I have some anxiety when I project myself committing for life with her (marrying, having children etc.) despite recognizing she has an amazing personality and would make a great life partner

One thing I know: my single life will likely not be how I fantasize about it:

It will just business as usual but without her: no extra crazy travels/experiences, not a hundred of hot chicks in my bed, etc.

What is next for guys like you and me if we break up?

- Maybe we need to lose her and really suffer from our decision in order to learn a valuable lesson for the next one?

- Maybe we will find the love we are dreaming about with another girl and not regret breaking up at all? 

What is next for guys like you and me if we continue with the same girl?

- Maybe with more maturity we will realize how good we have it to have a caring girl that loves us?

- Maybe we will be undecided all our life and ask us non-stop "what could have been with another one" ?

I really have no guidance to give you as I am struggling to answer these questions for myself, I leaning more towards the safe bet of continuing with the relationship but is not life only worth living if you live it like a dream ? 

Hope someone else has gone through the same and can share his perspective.


Cheers

 

Hey dude. First off, just want to say I appreciate your post. Everything you said, is 100% how I feel. Down to even the scenarios where we stay / leave, just exactly my thoughts. So thanks because it’s nice to know I’m not alone. It’s difficult.

Your last point around “is life only worth living if it’s a dream”. So I struggled (struggle) a lot with that in my relationship, and it kind of came to a head where I was like “what am I doing man”. So we had that talk and have taken a break. But now having taken a step back from her (still technically together, just on a break, idk it’s weird) I feel that I may have been projecting my own inadequacies around what I thought my life should or would be, my own failures and shortcomings, etc. onto her. I felt entitled to more, because it hasn’t always been an easy road for me, so to get to what feels like the beginning of the end (working full-time, partner lined up, finances in order, everything teed up for life) and to not feel like it “measured up” to this grandiose happy ending felt insufficient.

And this is obviously more of a me problem, so I am working through that, and trying to get to a point where I can trust myself with her again, and work through how much of it is something fundamentally wrong with us vs. just me.

The funny thing is I do know that if I end things for real, it won’t be a walk in the park. And funnily enough, the exact girl I’ll be chasing out there is going to fundamentally be this same person. Maybe she’ll be a little wittier, or like horror movies like I do, or be more well-traveled, but she also may be less emotionally stable, or lazier, or more awkward with my friends. So I’m sure I will have to learn these lessons eventually even if I can find that girl who measures up to my current (which honestly isn’t all that likely, given her quality) albeit with different traits, so why not just learn them with the known commodity?

So it boils down to trust and faith that making the conscious effort to be a better boyfriend, to get rid of these negative preconceived notions, to try therapy, to show her more affection, to learn to live with the “wandering eye”, will pay off in the form of a relationship I can be proud of. And while I do trust I can put in that effort, and regret not doing it sooner, and have learned lessons even in this short break that I know I can apply, I worry that it won’t be enough.

 

Don't let her move in until you are married. I have made this mistake. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

In theory, it would make sense. Essentially, its a "test run".

However, it usually doesn't play out like that as studies show, as most couples who move in together before engagement/marriage actually have a higher rate of divorce. There are a lot of opinions on why this actually happens. Ultimately, its like when they do those studies about kids who grew up in a house with lots of books. It doesn't mean, just ship a bunch of books to every kid in the country, problem solved; they have to read the books. So if there are books in a house, that usually means they value reading, and most likely the child's parent will have/read to their children more. Same with marriage and moving in. If you're intentional and have a plan, then it probably doesn't matter if you move in together because you have commitment. However, there are probably a high percentage of people who move in for other reasons (they're in their 30s and think they should, they're the last single friend, they figure "give it a shot"). Usually they think it will solve a problem, when the real problem is not having a plan or maybe the people shouldn't be together in the first place.

 

I think it’s very normal to wonder what’s out there and be tempted to pursue it.  I think that’s just a constant in life with everything and I personally have kinda just accepted that and made it something I’m aware of with all my decisions.  It’s depressing, yeah, but working on that realization will help you with everything I believe.

My two cents on your situation (I have a similar GF situation but have a different outlook) is that taking this time as a pause is going to help you figure it out.  Don’t go out and start banging chicks because that would probably just push her away forever, but maybe some separation will make you realize either 1) you really do value her as a life partner and want her back or 2) you feel a lot better away from her and she is not the one. 

My take is that there is a bar for everyone for their life partner.  There is not one “perfect” partner out there but rather a group of girls who you could make a marriage work with.  It sounds like, given you’ve been dating for 5 years and she is objectively good in your eyes, this girl clears that bar.  I would caution you about overestimating how many bar clearers are out there because I can say from past breakups that they are very very very hard to come by.  Maybe part of it is after 5 years you kinda can’t remember what being single feels like.  I would say that in this situation, a bird in hand is often 2 in bush.

 

Sounds like you’re just bored, which is very normal in relationships. It’s nothing to over analyze or freak about. I’d definitely recommend getting some space from each other, physically and mentally for a few weeks or so. Don’t ghost her and definitely don’t mistake this for saying you guys should take a break, communicate and say you just need some more personal time and want to really figure out who you are and what you want to do.

Honestly man if she ticks literally all of your “boxes” then I think you should try to rediscover what first made you fall in love with her. Take her out on first dates all over again, try to dig deeper in conversation and be really vulnerable, try like a drinking sex game or something to spice it up, go on a weekend in nature somewhere.

Major question too is do you see her being a genuinely good mom to YOUR children. Is she someone you’d want your kids to reflect and look up to.

If she’s beauty and brains don’t talk yourself out of a winning lottery ticket. Plenty of guys here would kill for what you got with this girl but the decision is completely yours to make

 

I completely out kicked my coverage with my wife, so it’s easy for me to say never settle since I never had to.

I think your massive mistake was seriously dating at such a young age. I just sort of instinctively knew to stay single until at least 26 to focus on school and work and be able to sleep around and have fun. Why spend your prime looking years and energy on one person? There is a reason only poor or uneducated people marry so young.

I am a firm believer in honesty and being faithful, but like I said it easy to be on a high horse in my case. I am beginning to understand that life isn’t black and white for many people and I keep seeing so many people cheat, I’ve just decided that many people just have different morals than me. I actually think in your case, if we want to maximize selfishness for you, you should marry her for a great home life but then try cheating a few times to see how “awesome” you think it is.

 

I’ll assume you’re not trolling me and answer honestly since I’m stuck at work for the next hour answer idiotic lender questions.

I’m not worried for several reasons. First, is that she really is 10/10. The amount of times she gets hit on when we go out is insane, it’s like I’m invisible. And this is just based on her looks, these guys have no idea she comes from a rich family or herself earns as much as we do in finance. So for her to find another 10/10 guy is gonna be super rare. She would have to meet an athlete or actor or something. Doesn’t seem likely.

Second, is that I’m a decent catch, especially on paper. This is important because in immigrant culture the families kind of have to sign off and care about “prestige”. So being above average height, fair skin, Ivy League, finance, etc is also a big deal. So I really think she believes I’m almost her equal, but I’m nowhere as awesome as she is.

Third, and most importantly in my opinion, she has really strong moral compass and family values, so I have no fear of cheating or unexpected divorce. I think the biggest risk is that she gets sick of how boring I can be.

My advice is just to date around when you’re young, not settle when you’re older due to loneliness and be brutally honest with yourself.

If you’re ugly, be cognizant a hot chick won’t desire you unless you’re rich, if you’re dumb don’t try to only chase bright girls, etc. That’s just a recipe for heart ache.

 
Most Helpful

I think this is really tough to ever know and thinking that you will find a "perfect" anyone is a huge mistake.  I had 4 long term (1.5yrs - 3yr) relationships in my 20s and before I met my wife (at 30yo) and I dated a lot of women in between those relationships.   I think this was really healthy for me on a few levels:

  • Had several "failed" long-term relationships so it opened my eyes to what can go wrong.  I don't see these as failures, but really just as important lessons to understand my biases and blind spots
  • Allowed me to meet a lot of interesting women with many different personality types so I could understand better what I wanted long term in a partner 
  • Allowed me to understand and appreciate my wife fully when I found her :-)

All this being said, even with all of this experience, no relationship is perfect and they ALL take work.  If you get too comfortable or too lazy, bad shit happens :-)

It is hard to let someone go when you respect and appreciate them so much, but I would argue at 26yo and having already dated for 5 years these thoughts are 100% normal. 

Yes, there is a risk that you never find someone as good as her ever again, but if you put in the work, just like anything else, typically you can meet some amazing people.   I think therapy is a great idea if you have some other underlying issues that are unaddressed, but don't think that you are weird or bad for these thoughts. 

It is perfectly rationale to let someone you love go because you are not at the stage in your life where  you are ready to commit fully.  I'd argue that is a lot more respect and much harder because while the single life can be very fun, it can also be lonely and taxing after a while...so you'd be doing it more as an admission that you aren't ready and need to explore who you are and who you want long term (really has little to do with her and what she could do or not do differently).

I hope that helps....  of course, I think a break and looking inward is a great idea before making this type of decision :-)

-Patrick

 

Look, this is a really personal thing that you have to sort out on your own. There will always be some wonder about what else is out there, but I think you need assess where you sit and why you're feeling like this. Is it really just that you're bored / in a rut with her? Is it that you really just don't want to settle down with her and the only thing stopping you is that she "checks all of the boxes"? Are you not ready to settle down in general yet? It's fine either way on these, but your answer can help you decide the best course.

You're in your mid-20s, so i'm assuming you've been dating her since college and haven't really been able to explore a dating scene in the real world. I don't have the answer for you, but think through those questions and see if that helps spark why you're feeling this way. 

 

Been with my girlfriend for 5 years, we're in our mid-20s and she's looking for more of a commitment in the form of moving in. She checks all the boxes - cute, funny, sociable, smart, ambitious, kind-hearted, giving sexually, similar values, etc. But I am a total maximizer, and probably have some weird attachment issues where being loved by someone so thoroughly bores me. So I'm wondering what else is out there. So we're on a kind of a pause right now as I figure that out.

This forum is full of maximizers - seems like a lot of people stress about the perfect exit, the perfect WLB to pay ratio, the perfect prestigious job. I'm wondering if people have seen that seep into their relationships, and was wondering if they ever matured out of it or how they rationalized / dealt with it. 

Fellow "maximizer" here. Relationships are much different than a job, because extremely limited information exists. Even if you say go on a dating app, you won't be able to ascertain if a girl is  "- cute, funny, sociable, smart, ambitious, kind-hearted, giving sexually, similar values, etc". You will have at best a surface level knowledge of looks, but many use lighting/specific angles to look hotter or outright old pictures, so even that is questionable. The other traits takes time to learn from a person. People are far more complex than a few financial statements where you can go in and immediately evaluate the metrics you need (and even then this can be a too simplistic way of evaluating a company). It takes unexpected life scenarios often to see some of the the traits of a girl that really set someone apart. All of this is to say, is that given the time constraints of finding a mate and life in general, you will have collected an extremely limited subset of information regarding selecting a mate compared to what's available. This means, that even if you were to try to take a stab at finding the optimal girl for you, you would almost certainly fail. And even if you were successful, new girls come into the city every week. So you would need to collect even more information, and potentially change your conclusions. Which isn't healthy or a semblance of a relationship especially if you want to get married and raise a family.

My last few lines from the above paragraph are especially important, because it implies that the optimal girl can be dynamic and change. What that means is that if you really are focused on maximizing everything, you dump your current gf and find who you think is the optimal girl, you will very likely cycle back to this place and have similar thoughts in 5 years. As you can see it's unsustainable, and that type of mindset prevents you from having any meaningful relationship. So you must come to terms with the fact that you can't find the optimal girl, given the scarctiy of time and ever changing information and instead decide that in this aspect of your life your goal should be a girl you genuinely enjoy spending time with and who checks off the major boxes for you.

I just want to "know" like other people know, but something tells me I never will, with anyone. It's been fucking depressing to think about, to be honest. Not just "my heart is broken" depressing, but like existential, what the hell is wrong with me depressing. 

 and probably have some weird attachment issues where being loved by someone so thoroughly bores me. 

A major problem I feel with movies, social media, and the internet in general is a major, major distortion of reality. Relationships in general are not some type of movie where people love at first sight with a great passion, know instanteously that the other person is the "one", and continuously hold a deep passionate love for the other spouse combined with spicy lust feelings without pause. Also contrary to what pop cutlure promotes, long term relationships are not 90% sex (although of course sexual intimacy is important). Even writing and re-reading the last few lines made me chuckle on the inside and think about some of my intro economics courses in school. If you recall there were always assumptions about the "rational human being" who was always robotic in nature. Not to create a tangential debate on this thread, but EMH has such underlying assumptions as well that are ludicrous in practice. 

A partner is put simply someone who you want to spend the journey of life with. That, for the most part means the little things in life such as eating meals together, watching TV together, and for more bigger events, going on vacation together, raising kids (if you choose that path) together, etc. Life for the most part really isn't that glamorous, and hence compatibility with a partner is really based around the non-glamorous parts of life. You might see the perfect couple on IG maddly kissing each other in front of some tropical island, but what they don't show (and what matters significantly more) is how they handle each other during the monotonous 9-5 of life (of course if you work more as most of us here do insert those hours instead). During the monotony of life, you simply can't function properly at work or other facets of life if you are thinking non-stop about your girl with some passionate lust that prevents you from doing anything else except thinking about her (which is how the movies portray). Of course, if you've been gone a week on a business trip and don't miss her in the slightest there's a problem, but you can see there is a ton of realistic midldle ground in between these extremes. Additionally, during the monotony of life you do not want to spend your free hours crafting a way to get emotional attention from your girl. Playing games might be fun for a short period of time, but think about playing games every day where your girl ignores you unless you treat her like a princess. Naturally that will get exhausting, and you will feel unfulfilled since you know that a spouse is supposed to give that without strings attached. So the fact she loves you should not be seen as boring, but as a sustainable arrangement.  Additionallly, knowing that she is "the one" or whatever seems like a phenomenon that is difficult to quantify and will vary from person to person. What you do know, and what everyone can now is whether they don't mind spending time with their spouse. If you can see yourself living together and spending multiple hours a day with said person, and being able to handle failures and successes, together than that is the knowledge or the "know" that you need. 

Also, while this isn't related to anything above, it is an extreme bonus that she still believes in you and is pushing you towards therapy and being patient. Many girls would haeve already left you, so think deeply about the fact that she is being empathetic and trying to help you during a time of need. Don't squander what you have. 

Array
 

I was in the identical situation at your age.  Right down to length of relationship and your description of the girl and how you feel etc.  She checked all the boxes but I wanted to play.  I had to let her go and am glad I did.    10 years later she's happily married and I'm happily single.  When I do settle down, the girl will be younger and I'll be glad about that.  As would most men who are honest with themselves.

We can't change the fact that commitment sucks.  It sucks.  We can only offset it by finding someone who's so good for us that it makes up for the suckiness of commitment.  If someone isn't doing that for you, ask yourself how it's going to change.  It's the rare woman who's more exciting at 35 than at 25 though it can happen.

Importantly, I had a huge guilt trip about taking up 5 of her most eligible dating years and then ending it.  My biggest fear was that she'd end up an old maid and I'd be a big reason why.  The day I heard she was engaged, I think I actually felt my blood pressure drop.  So much relief.  Point being, try to make up your mind soon if you can.  Good luck.

 

Do not think in this way... Being in long term relationships  causes complacency and makes you think may be you can go single for a while and even meet someone else who checks more boxes. That is a trap. You say you are mid 20s so i'm guessing 25-26. It may not seem that important to you right now but if you plan on settling down the next couple of years will go by in a flash.

There is always a chance you meet someone else who is amazing. But realize it is a risk that you cannot quantify. If it pays off great but if it does not you will kick yourself. Anyways thats just my 2 cents from experiences. 

 

Unless you look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, you should realize (right now) you may have hit the jack-pot and should cash out now. Unless you want to be one of the MANY guys that end up struggling on dating apps, and hitting bars every weekend, getting progressively more and more wasted after every rejection you receive throughout the night.

Ah, what am I thinking, you think you are the shit right? You think you are James Bond and you can wheel super-models every night, right? No, you need to learn the hard way... like the rest of us. 

 

If you both want to have children, re-frame your thinking to maximize what is best for your future children. Take the emphasis off your own desires. Will she raise them well, set a good example, go the extra distance to help them excel, support the entire family including you as you transition to being a father, support the household, stay with you forever? The commitment of marriage is for children, not for two childless adults who like each other a lot. 

 

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