Hair Follicle Drug Testing Coming To A Bank Near You!

Sorry everyone. My apologies. I never truly appreciated how much of a trigger HR was for you guys.

How did it get so bad? Is it the fact that we get to leave the office at the civilian hour of 5pm? Or perhaps you’ve just been rejected by HR hotties so many times your disappointment has manifested into paranoid rage.

In any case, I’ve decided to make it my life’s mission to post on this thing every week just to, y’know, flare up that PTSD of yours.

Quick update on[ the dick pic sitch](http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/dick-pic-ca…): the skeez-face who supposedly sent e-dick quit last week. After trying to pin the whole thing on his colleagues he was naturally bullied off monkey island.

In other news, I had to fire someone for not passing a drug test this week. I legit felt sorry for the guy. When it comes to IB I’m a strong proponent of recreational drug use for humane reasons. I see it as serving the same function as tranquilizer for racehorses or epidural for pregnant women…just a lil somethin’ somethin’ to help ease the pain of your laborious monkey lives.

Anyway, back to #YoureFired. This guy was an associate director, late twenties-ish. We typically don’t test employees beyond the intern level but #YoureFired made the mistake of being REALLY obvious about his rapid drug consumption.

First rule of taking drugs at work: don’t act like you’re taking drugs work.

#YoureFired failed at this. Bigly. You could practically hear him snorting back the remnants of his nasal-lodged coke from three floors down. He was also in the habit of going into empty meeting rooms and just sitting there for long stretches of time staring up at the ceiling. Like, we’re talking 30mins + here people.

HR gave him one week’s notice to try and get his shit together before running the test but at the last minute his boss insisted on a hair follicle test too. So brutal.

Long story short, he tested positive for co***ne, weed, PCP, and….(didn’t see this one coming)....codeine!

Needless to say, I was like:
![conceited][conceited]

And he was like:
![can i stay anyway][can i stay anyway]

And I was like:
!nopenope

Poor #YoureFired. I really do hope he gets his shit together. Mainly because he was one fine looking dude. A valuable commodity in which I think we can all agree the IB world is desperately lacking.

Okay haters, it’s been lovely writer at you. I look forward to all your misogynistic comments. But just a suggestion: try be a bit more creative. When you tell me how obsolete and useless my job is over and over again it kind of begins to lose any meaning. It also confirms my theory that you’re all just one big fleet of banker bots pre-programmed to behave in the exact same aspergsy way.

[conceited]: https://m.popkey.co/e65ca5/qV14A.gif
[can i stay anyway]: http://i.giphy.com/26gshLIqVW0SXQGFq.gif
nope: http://i.giphy.com/l4q8e5WlLDDbGrW1O.gif