Helicopter Parents / How to deal with it?
Currently in college and have a helicopter parent, pretty much in all senses of the word. Wants to follow me / always up in my business. How do I begin to put up the necessary boundaries / how did you guys deal with it?
Helicopter Helicopter 🚁, Paracopter Paracopter 🎶
not while in school but located nearby enough where they can come by for the day
You can either withdraw, which will make them creep harder, or you can actually flip the script and share more.
They want to feel involved, so if you involve them in some things you can tell them not to do other things. Then if they break that boundary, you can work towards cutting them off.
Cutting them off out of the blue might cause some long term damage.
That’s extreme ^ and likely not realistic if you come from an ethnic family. I hate to say it but you’re just going to have to do what you want and try to avoid detailed conversations with them about your day to day decisions, beyond just reassuring them that you’re doing as they advised or “what you’re supposed to be doing”. All they need to know is that you are not flunking out of classes and getting a degree. They don’t need to know what exact classes you are planning to take, they don’t need to know the details of your major (hell even lie to them about your major if that’ll get them off your back, nobody will care when you’re graduating with a well paying job lined up), and they don’t need to know your day-to-day movements besides “Class went well. Yeah I’m just going to go to class / work / study and go to bed (even if you’re not doing that at all). No I’m not really interested in relationships or drugs or partying at all, just going to get in bed early (even if you plan to get fucked up every night / rush a frat whatever).
Essentially get used to providing sparse detail on your life. Don’t ask for advice for things you are seriously contemplating, they’ll probably try to micromanage and inch you give them. If they pry, lie as much as you need to let them sleep well at night. Spend the next four years or so working to be completely financially independent (separate bank accounts, managing all your critical bills like cell, access to health insurance info etc.) so you can function autonomously and if they don’t like it then - well don’t pick up the phone and live your life. Come back around twice a year on holidays with extravagant gifts - they’ll forget all about your supposed “insolence”.
I’m just going off the dome now, but I’ve had to survive helicopter parents and it is slightly getting better / I see a path to true independence very soon after graduating, good luck.
it's likely out of love, so I'd be polite. and if you have things going on and you have clear communication, it shouldn't be an issue forever, but it will take some training. also bear in mind that they likely feel they deserve some control if they're footing the bill, so just be prepared to pay for your own shit if this doesn't go well. on the other side of that coin, don't feel you can dictate how the relationship should go if you're constantly asking them for money.
some ideas - you initiate the phone call with them at a time that's convenient for you. even if you're not busy, pretend to be. if it's urgent, they'll let you know. for me, this was before weekly fraternity meetings. mom knew I had chapter at Xpm on Sundays and so it was always expected that the call would end at a certain point
on personal stuff/being in your business - politely decline, saying things like "ehh I don't really want to talk about that" or "I appreciate your input on that, I think I'm still going to do X (which they didn't recommend)," or "ah that's ok, I'll figure it out on my own!" I realize those were vague, so if you can give some concrete examples, that'd be appreciative.
pop-ins - you didn't say this explicitly but I'm guessing if they're close by they've come to visit you on occasion, you need to have boundaries. always have something going on, whether it's a reno 911 themed orgy, charity events, a psychedelic experience, or just parties and studying, BE BUSY. make it clear that they'll have to schedule these visits at times when it's convenient for YOU. you can start dropping hints if they call you during the week and ask what you're doing, let them know you have some plans brewing that don't involve them
dating life - you didn't mention this but be incredibly ambiguous. if they ask, just say you're doing fine (if you don't have a SO). if you do have a SO, just say "yep, still with Andromeda, things are going well, thanks for asking." definitely not their business, dating issues are things you bring up with your guy friends/girl friends, not parents
I highly advise against cutting off family, it can create irreparable damage. instead, you've been allowing them to dictate the terms of the relationship, you must work towards having a balance of power. be a good son, call them frequently (once a week is enough I think), but they don't need to be involved in all of your personal decisions, and you need to find ample opportunities to go against their wishes, even if it's incredibly benign, the more you exercise your independence, the more they'll get the picture.
last and definitely not least, I'd advise creating more distance, even if temporarily. whether it's a co-op all the way across the country, studying abroad, or both, you need to spend some significant time away from them so that you both realize you don't need each other to the level you've become accustomed.
Great advice above, SBs all around. They do it out of love, but you need to set boundaries.
If your parents track you on find my friends or Life360, turn it off. You're an adult now and they don't need to track your every move.
If they want to drop in, be busy. "Sorry, I'm about to run to study group, it'll go pretty late, can you call next time and I would love to take you out to dinner" - they need to set up plans with you, when it works for you.
I think we need more context on what makes them helicopter parents? Did they make you give them your log in info to see your grades? Do they not allow you to do X, Y, and Z? Do they try to control everything in your life?
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