How to help family member with addiction
Hey guys - hope everyone is enjoying the Thanksgiving holiday to those of you celebrating in the U.S. Seeing as it’s the holidays, I’ve been taking stock of my family situation which unfortunately is a mess. Specifically, I’m looking for advice from others who have alcoholic family members that either successfully recovered or are in recovery.
For context, I have a college-aged brother who went through a traumatic breakup about 9 months ago (long-term relationship, discovered infidelity, very messy breakup ensued). Following the breakup, he has developed what I see as some degree of alcohol dependency (ie binge drinking regularly to cope with painful emotions). Further complicating the situation, he has struggled tremendously with making friends in college, and to my knowledge, has only one or two close friends on campus that he can confide in.
There are a couple things I find really concerning about his current situation:
- He regularly binge drinks, mostly by himself, sometimes with a friend or two. If he were only drinking excessively with friends, I wouldn’t be as worried, but he almost exclusively drinks by himself
- As I mentioned, he has no social circle to fall back on, so he spends most of his time alone
- He has preexisting mental health issues which have made everything worse
- Addiction / substance-abuse issues run in my family. I personally have stayed clear of any drugs for that reason, and I cut out alcohol a few years ago following an alcohol-related death in my family that just put me off drinking entirely (I know that moderation is key with most things, I just decided to be extreme in my approach)
- Most frustratingly, he has been unwilling to implement any of my advice to dater. Whenever we chat, my advice is to focus on small wins that will give him momentum (e.g., going to the gym, trying to develop better sleep hygiene, and to get an on-campus job or join some orgs that can give him some type of social engagement)
- He refuses to go to the gym for reasons I do not completely understand, which is infuriating because it’s one of the only things that helps me manage my own depression and anxiety symptoms
In summary, I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help him get through this storm without going completely off the rails. My parents want to take him out of college next semester, but I’m of the opinion that sending him back to my hometown (flyover state with nothing going on) will be even worse, as he’ll be surrounded by negative influences. The control and influence I can exert over him at this point in his life feels limited, but I want to make sure that I’m supporting him as best I can.
Appreciate any advice you guys might have from navigating similar situations.
As a person who has family members with a predisposition to addiction, I think its sad because its very much based on genetics-- of course it might just be a cultural thing within your family (normalized at a young age). But either way both lead to similar outcomes. I think the best way I've seen it combatted is by developing a better addiction, usually smoking which poses less of a risk and satisfies the same ritualistic part of addiction. Smoking kills you long term, alcohol could end it all in one bad night.
Nicotine is also a stimulant instead of a depressant, which might help him build other "productive" habits-- whenever I smoke (rarely do) I become insanely productive.
I mention smoking and not zyns because it is heavily ritualistic, you pop a zyn in 10 secs whereas you smoke for like 1.5-3 mins.
Also depends on your financial situation but therapy maybe isn't a horrible idea. I personally don't confide everything in close friend, but I might in therapy-- haven't tried it, but the transactional nature makes it seem easier tbh. Idk if this is the advice you were looking for but my 2 cents I guess.
It sounds like you're in a tough spot, but your concern and willingness to help your brother are commendable. Based on the most helpful WSO content and general best practices for supporting someone with addiction, here are some actionable steps you can take:
1. Understand the Root Cause
2. Encourage Professional Help
3. Avoid Judgment or Ultimatums
4. Set Boundaries
5. Involve Trusted Adults or Professionals
6. Encourage Social Engagement
7. Lead by Example
8. Consider Family Therapy
9. Be Patient
10. Resources to Explore
Ultimately, your brother has to make the decision to change, but your support can make a significant difference. Keep showing up for him, but don’t forget to take care of yourself in the process.
Sources: Life is falling apart…, How to deal with sick parents while working in IB, MENTAL HEALTH | IBD ANALYST EDITION, Supporting Your Poor Parents, How Do You Deal With the BB Sweatshop Hours?
Pray
Focus on support, not control. Encourage therapy or counseling and consider support groups like AA. Avoid judgment and set clear boundaries to protect your own mental health. Help him engage socially through clubs or campus activities. Lead by example with healthy habits and consider family therapy. Be patient—small steps count, and lasting change takes time.
He would probably do really well in AA. See if there is a sober group on campus or young people AA nearby.
I empathize with your situation. I am fortunate to have gone through this battle with my spouse and we recently celebrated 1000 days of sobriety.
This is not what you want to hear, but when someone is in their addiction, there isn't anything you can say or do that will change them. In AA they often talk about how the addict has to want sobriety themselves and getting sober for someone else, even their most loved ones. You've heard people talk about hitting rock bottom. It's a must.
@froggy provides great advice. The best you can do is encourage without judgement, and set clear boundaries. As an addiction progresses in one you love, you can't help but be invested, but you must set boundaries. Boundaries are not selfish. Yes, you need to protect your own well-being, but boundaries will also let your brother know that the behavior is not normal and is harming his relationships. Don't compromise your boundaries.
I'd strongly suggest looking into Al-anon resources for yourself. This is a program for people who have loved ones in addiction.
I had a parent pass away from alcoholism in my late teens. I don't know if I have a solution but definitely try and help him. All it takes is one night to cross the line permanently. As other commenters have said your brother needs to recognize that the drinking is a problem and he needs to want to solve it. Then it is easier to help. My parent did neither of those things.
None of this was super helpful but I just want to say I emphasize with you and wish you the best of luck in fighting this.
Binge drinking with mates is a phase for a lot of students, drinking alone to cope is a different pattern and it's the one that tends to stick.
The gym advice not landing isn't surprising. When someone's that low, being told to fix their sleep and go to the gym sounds like one more thing they're failing at. The smaller win is usually getting them to talk to someone, even if it's a campus counsellor rather than a proper treatment programme.
I went through Zia Recovery Center myself, so I'll be straight with you. Taking him out of college and back to your hometown is the worst of the options you've listed. It removes the only structure and the only two friends he has, and it puts him back with the negative influences you mentioned. If he's going to get help, it's better done while he's still got somewhere to be.
Worth knowing what treatment actually looks like before your parents pull the trigger on that decision. Zia does inpatient care for addiction and co-occurring mental health, and 90% of their staff have their own recovery experience, which matters for someone who's this resistant.
Taking him out of college and isolating him in a hometown with nothing going on and negative influences is a terrible idea. It will just accelerate the drinking. If he's open to it, he needs professional treatment, not just a change of scenery. For now, keep the lines of communication open, tell him you love him and you're worried, but set firm boundaries about what you won't tolerate. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved yet.
You’re brother is spiraling at college with no friends and no motivation and easy access to alcohol.
Your parents want him to come home where he will be close to family and they can keep an eye on him.
And your advice is to keep him at college? What?
Bump
It sounds like you are dealing with a very complex family situation, and your concern and patience are crucial. Try to keep communication open, expressing your worry for his safety and well-being while setting clear boundaries to avoid enabling his behavior. Encourage him to seek professional help, such as counseling or addiction treatment, and support him in engaging in campus social activities to reduce isolation. Most importantly, make sure to protect your own mental health while supporting him.
don't forget to look after yourself too. boundaries ≠ giving up on them
Fr don't pull him out. Isolation in hometown is way worse. Just keep showing up, be the stable brother. He has to hit his own bottom. You're doing good.
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