Here’s what 9/11 taught me about B2B sales

Here's what Joseph Kony taught me about small business HR:

1. Talent acquisition must start early. Just like how Kony recruited child soldiers, you, too, must begin acquiring talent early. If all of your competitors are recruiting out of MBAs, you can steal talent from their lengthy pipeline by recruiting people before their MBA.
2. Use reciprocity to keep top-talent. Just like how Kony burned villages that betrayed him, you have to punish employees in an effort to prevent brain drain. You can use noncompetes, NDAs, and—if all else fails—bonus clawbacks to keep employees in your fold.
3. Fostering a corporate family is key. Kony was known to have as many as 60 wives and 42 children to help him run his group. Fostering a corporate family can improve employee loyalty, employee work effort, and employee satisfaction. This will improve your bottom line and make your life easier.
4. Having corporate values is key. Joseph Kony used religion to convince his followers that they were impervious to bullets, and you, too, can use corporate values to improve employee work ethic. You could make a strong commitment to DEI, or you could commit to religious values.
5. Any PR is good PR. Just like how Kony gained notoriety in the "Kony 2012" protests, you can use controversy to bolster your corporate brand. For instance, take a stance on a culture war issue to drive up awareness, and thus sales, of your product.