How to get over envy/jealousy?

Sort of relatable. I work at a no-name boutique and have been stuck there for a variety of reasons (mainly visa issues, but also bombed the only lateral opportunity that was offered to me in last 2 years). I'm always a bit miffed when I get a Linkedin notification that a kid I met for a coffee chat 6 months ago has now snagged a BB / MM SA offer. I'm happy for them, but secretly bitter at the same time because I know none of these kids had anything that I didn't. Same thing with the interns that come through my firm and 1 year later are signing offers at large MMs or even the occasional BB (all of them signing on with a bigger base than me...). My firm will stay a small footnote in their resume (or most likely, they'll scrub it off very soon to pretend like they got their start in MM IB straight-away) while I'm "left behind" so to speak...

Very, very immature on my part but it's hard to not to feel frustrated when this role feels like a dead-end. 

Speaking from personal experience, be truthful in self-reflection as to why you’re jealous. Kid I grew up with is a professional athlete now. Giant douche growing up and wasn’t that good until he got to college and turned into a monster. First round draft pick, multimillionaire who you’ll now see on your tv screen. Can’t lie - I still get happy seeing when he has a bad game. I make more than anyone else I grew up with I disliked except this dude. Used to tell myself I’m winning at life bc of the wealth I’ve accumulated, but even most of that was luck. Then there was this guy who was living MY dream, not to mention the money associated with it.

I’ll never get into HBS. I think it’s ok to be envious of others. Shows you want more, and I think it’s important to always be working toward OBTAINABLE goals.

I commend you for being self-aware enough to do some self reflecting. That is extremely rare these days. A lot of people from this forum would benefit from a similar exercise.

Good luck OP!

kindheartedconsultant

My envy mostly manifests when I see people that I believe are less talented/worthy than me getting to places that I dream to go to. For example, I was rejected from HBS this year, while friends that I know were accepted everywhere that they apply, and I have to silence those thoughts or else I spiral. I very  intentionally targeted a role in LMM PE because the work that I do is what I love (combination of investing and portfolio operations), but I can't help but eat my heart out when I see others at UMMs or MFs getting a brand mark that I know I'm good enough for, but chose not to pursue.

Good on you for self-reflection.  Perhaps your view of yourself isn't how others view you.  It's easy to say "others are getting things I should be able to get, too" because most people are really bad at identifying their faults.  Life isn't fair, and less deserving people often do better than those that nominally should do very well... but look at every entitled asshole in the world.  Those people think of themselves the same way you do; as someone whom the world is unfairly conspiring to hold back.  I hope you aren't that person, but... they exist, and a strong dose of humility might go a long way in alleviating your feelings of envy.

I've reflected on y'alls comments and I've decided that I'm going to go talk to a therapist about this. I figure that I want too get as much ammo in my magazine as possible to blast the difficulties of life.

Appreciate the kind words. It makes a difference.

You will make it fam. You got this. 

Envy is truly a disease of the mind. It creates misery and misfortune for everyone involved.

I think the answer, difficult to accept as it may be, it to simply stop envying others and wishing ill upon them, and start wishing them the best of success and be happy that they are doing well.

The truth is that you are entirely responsible for where you end up, and even though there are some factors involved like luck or connections or background, you decide your destiny and others are trying to do the same thing you are.

You aren’t jealous of Buffett, Dimon, Musk etc. Why? Because nobody would ever compare you to them. You don’t feel threatened by their success because you don’t associate yourself with them subconsciously. But you do associate yourself with peers around your age or who went to your school. And that makes you feel bad because you might be judged for not attaining what they did.

There is no point to envy. Stop being bitter. No one like a jealous guy.

Be happy with yourself and be happy for others, as much of an a—hole they may be.

Meditation, mindfulness, gratitude.

Sometimes it takes people losing everything though.

Remember those people may not be happy. When you think of them you are imagining your current life with that ine thing changed but they are living a wholly different life and could be miserable

but I can't help but eat my heart out when I see others at UMMs or MFs getting a brand mark that I know I'm good enough for, but chose not to pursue

I think it’s important to understand that added success usually comes with an added price in some form. You mention how you want MF for the brand name, but you never focus on the cost of work culture, longer hours, and a cutthroat (sometimes unethical) investing philosophy that drives the MF firms. 
 

This is true for many other things. You might be jealous of a coworker’s Ferrari, but you’re not factoring in the long hours and weekends he put  in to get top bucket to buy the car. Or you might be jealous of another friends fit body (including 6 pack abs) but fail to realize the amount of hours the guy spent in the gym to get that physique and the diet he’s forced to endure.

Now, I’m well aware that success in life isn’t just purely hard work and is a combination of luck, good timing, background, intellect, support systems, finances, and work. But if we go down that route you yourself are lucky coming from a trailer park. Based on your background your most likely outcome would be a low paying job in a warehouse and getting high on meth (hopefully without the OD). Ozymandia was being subtle when he implied it but I’m going to say it directly. Your jealousy comes from an extremely egotistical self-centered view that you are 100X smarter and harder-working than your trailer park buddies and thus everything in your life was completely justified. Even you yourself got to where you are today in part to being in the right place in the right time. Most poor people never get the right place and right time.

My advice, contrarian as usual, is to lean into the hate, envy and jealousy. Though shall not covet? Nah. I even get twinges of jealousy over people I’ve never met.

I’ve gotten all the same advice you’ve gotten on this thread. It’s not bad advice at all - ignore others, jealousy is a disease of the mind, focus on the good things in your life, happiness comes from within, etc. I just can’t follow the advice. You can tell a fatty to simply stop eating and work out, but just because advice is obvious doesn’t make it easy to follow.

So instead just accept it’s part of your makeup and try to use it to your advantage. Channel the anger into working harder, or snagging a hot wife or working out more. Try to become that person other people grumble about and wish their lives were like yours.

When I hear secondhand via family and friends asking about me or commenting negatively, it makes me feel better than being drunk or getting a runner’s high from endorphins.

My dad told me how some of his family told him my wedding was such a waste of money, freaking loved hearing that jealousy. My old roommate told me some kids from my analyst class were making jokes I must have tricked my wife into marrying me since she’s so much better looking than me, I asked him to repeat to me line for line what they said lol. Even my wife recently said getting an MBA is a joke and waste of money, and finance is just a boys club cause I never went to class, got honors and found a new job without trying.

Use that anger you have to motivate you. Look, no one is perfect, and unless it’s a serious bad trait or your envy of others is making you a toxic person to yourself or someone you love, I don’t think you have to change.

Do you hurt women or kids? Steal from the poor? Abuse someone weaker than you? No, you’re not a bad person. You get jealous, like everyone else. Unless it’s ruining your life, I would embrace it.

Let your jealousy be your fuel

You're just as capable of anyone else's accomplishments.

Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time. 
 

Find some deeper meaning. You obv don’t have kids yet (and that’s totally ok) or you would have a whole different perspective on what matters my man. Good luck to you. 
 
Buddah calls what you have the compare monkey brain - read about it and tell the voice in your head to stop being an asshole. It’s constantly barking at you - learn to control it.  

HBS can burn in hell for their promotion of DEI and wokey. Jokes on them

As someone in B school right now in the T20-T25 range, I've seen a few classmates recluse for awhile if they have these thoughts (maybe they're still searching for an internship or someone they know got the offer they wanted). I'm usually happy for classmates regardless of how I may have been negatively impacted by their outcome but it's hard not to be envious of classmates you may have felt more qualified for (hot take that I wouldn't say openly to most classmates but I do think DEI recruiting plays a huge role in outcomes that at times make me question how HR evaluate candidates) and in some cases, if a classmate gets an offer you want but their personality / persona really annoys you (there are a few B school classmates who come off as shady and I would never trust them, two-faced).

You have a great job already and I wouldn't get too bummed out by it. As much as I like the majority of my class, the drama / recruiting fiasco that occurs is frustrating and IMO, only worth it if you are doing a drastic career switch that would benefit significantly from an MBA.

Since you applied for MBAs, did you get an offer from Wharton and you're not going to take it? 

There are tons of UMM/MF PE folks at Wharton, and the school sends a bunch into UMM/MF PE (with plenty of OCR from top funds). If you can't get into UMM/MF from W (if you want to), then you most likely you won't be able to get it from HBS either. It's like crying that you got rejected from Harvard and only got into Princeton.

This is a net positive emotion to have. Envy and jealousy is exactly what pushes you to grind even harder because you can't stand the idea of other people beating you.

I think seeking therapy would be helpful for you especially if these negative sentiments are regularly bothering you

Helps when you realize that the only things really important in life are food water shelter. Helps to compare importance levels

You don't sound jealous to me but frustrated. He could be your friend and you might be more deserving the spot. I think your friends might have said "don't be jealous", "appreciate and don't be an ass". What is fair has to be seeked. congratulate him and leave those saying you're jealous

I try and just focus on myself. There's always going to be others out there, either older, same year, younger, who are better at some aspects and worse at others. You can try and learn from people who you admire or envy and take similar steps, or see where others came up short and try to avoid taking that path. Constantly try to improve yourself.

I often struggle with the same sentiment OP. Still trying to remind myself to focus on myself rather than others as it doesn’t pertain to me or affect me

Dealing with this can be challenging, but it's important to manage your thoughts for your own well-being. Here are some tips to help:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Understand why you're feeling this way. Identifying the source can help you address it more effectively.

2. Practice Gratitude: Focus on the things you're grateful for in your own life. Gratitude can help shift your perspective and reduce envy.

3. Set realistic goals: Work on improving yourself in a way that aligns with your values and aspirations.

4. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are unique and valuable.

5. Talk to Someone: Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Talking can help you process and gain a different perspective.

6. Focus on Personal Growth: Channel your energy into personal growth and self-improvement.

This is a process that takes time and self-reflection. It's natural to experience envy occasionally and everyone can relate at some point