How to stop comparing yourself to others? Having a breakdown.
I think it's sad that I'm writing this but I've had somewhat of a breakdown over the past couple of days. About a week ago, a connected kid from my school got an SA offer at KKR/WP/BX PE. I will most likely be heading to a top UMM PE firm or top EB (already have multiple offers), but I just can't stop comparing myself to him and some of the other kids at my school with similar backgrounds. Am I just not good enough? I hustled as hard as I could, poured everything I had into the process, and got a great outcome. But it wasn't as good as it could've been. To put it simply, it wasn't the best outcome possible.
I tried to rationalize it by saying that we come from completely different backgrounds. His dad is a PE partner who prepped him for the path to MF PE. I'm just another white boy from South LA who knew nothing about finance 2 years ago. But this seems like a lot of copium to me.
I just feel like I failed. Maybe I screwed my life up? I didn't do as well as I should have. Am I now going end up quitting finance after 1-2 years while that kid is at HBS after a 2+2 in MFPE? Did I just ruin my future chances of success. Can I even be successful in finance. I always wanted to be the best. Do I even have a shot at that? I am just not that good of a candidate, am I?
I really feel like I need mental health counseling right now, and I've never admitted that before in my life.
If you live in LA, you have to come to the terms with the fact that there will always be people better than you in every single capability and seek happiness from some other source than competition.
Good advice. I guess I haven’t found enough places in my life to do that yet. And it’s definitely hard to when everyone around me is all about competition.
It’s certainly not easy to dedicate your years to getting one of the best jobs out of college only to see people who achieve more than you or once you hit the desk plenty of people with your exact credentials which makes you feel no longer special. But the quicker you come to terms with it, the better.
Everyone on this site felt the same way at one point. I'm sure your MFPE kid too.Cheer up man. Don't take this the wrong way. It's great that you have that spirit that drives you to get better in anything that you pursue. It pains at times but takes you to better places.
important to benchmark your personal life success (or lack of) with your friends , re: professional, benchmark yourself with yourself at T-2, T-5, T-10 years...also, cut down your social media exposure to LinkedIn/FB/Insta --- most folks trying to give the best impression of their lives in an annoyingly humble-brag way
Definitely good advice to cut down on social. I don’t even use it but share the sentiment.
I know this has been chewed and spit out many times, but here it is: comparison is the thief of joy. I can't tell you how many times I felt the same way while in school and seeing kids land incredible positions. Even as I had triumphed, the thrill would quickly cease. It sucked. These feelings do come back sometimes but are far and few.
The quicker you begin to focus more closely on yourself, the brighter your days will become, and the future truly becomes your own.
Thanks for the advice. As stupid as it sounds. I’ve never benchmarked to self before so something I’m going to try now. Glad that others have experienced these feelings too.
The only person you should be comparing yourself to is yourself from yesterday. Did you do better today than you did yesterday? That should be the goal. So I would recommend you stop trying to rationalize any differences between yourself and them. To quote a wonderful movie; "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Write that down."
Another thing that helps me is to make a list of everything I've done on my end of things so I know for certain that anything that goes off script is on someone else. Sounds harsh, but sometimes you need that reassurance that you've upheld your end of the transaction and to prove to yourself that not everything is somehow your fault. If I recognize that I missed something on the list and it's my fault, it's a lot easier to accept, handle and simply do something about instead of then letting the anxiety troll start sounding the drums about "What do you think they're going to say, huh? They're going to call you out! Blah blah blah". Can't do that if I've already accepted ownership which also means I get to accept, no, demand, ownership of the fix.
And there's no shame in admitting to wanting to seek some therapy or counseling. Definitely highly encouraged, and anyone who wants to try and talk smack about you pursuing help is projecting a ton of their own insecurities right there.
*jordan peterson has entered the chat*
well said kiddies
also recommend reading the story about john from nassim taleb's fooled by randomness: https://franklycurious.com/wp/2015/03/16/survivorship-bias-or-why-the-r…
I'll take a complement from Dr. Peterson. Don't worry, I've cleaned my room too. That story is also a good reminder of how to keep things in perspective and how a lot of things are relative and not purely objective.
-
First off, congrats on the offers received, it sounds like you're in a great spot. Be proud and thankful you've made it as far as you have, and if you're still not happy, use that as motivation to drive you to the next step.. as the saying goes, chips on your shoulder put chips in your pocket. Comparing yourself to others is just a part of life though man, we're all social creatures. The person walking down the road wishes they had a bike. The person on a bike wishes they had a beater car. The beater car wishes they had a new car. The new car driver wishes they had a sports car. And the person driving the sports car wishes they were riding in a helicopter.. Just the way it goes.. but there's more than that to life. Desire less and you will find more abundance in your life. Also, if you don't lift.. start lifting. The steady progress you make will help to remind you that you're better than you were the day before.. and that's all that matters. Step by step. Good luck.
if it makes you feel better, a lot of the top kids at wharton opt for top ib jobs over being an analyst at kkr
Had to log back on because this answer made me lol. Like applying a bandaid to a bullet wound. The classic WSO mentality. Seriously, thanks for the laugh.
Youre having a mental breakdown over having a top EB job and im the one with the classic WSO mentality lol cmon mate
which is a better route? EB analyst to MF Associate or MF analyst to MF Associate? I am leaning to #2, but #1 may have other benefits?
Remember there are far more underemployed people out there than "overemployed" people like that guy. An old friend of mine had an ECE masters with a 4.0 GPA and was working retail at a furniture store until he finally got a good SWE job last week.
Been through this - and think most of us understand the sentiment.
Probably the best advice I could give, and one that is hard to rationalize now, is, where you start, is not where you will end up. You're fortunate enough to get an SA offer, not a FT offer, at some top places. Consider yourself extremely blessed to have it when there are tens of thousands who would do anything to be in the position you are. But, it's easier to get envious of the few above you, than realize the vast amount of people below. An SA offer is not going to be where your career stays, its a stepping stone. Once you break in, its easier to move around.
Keep your chin up, no matter how hard it is. If its getting that burdensome, get help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
.
I get where you are coming from and it’s hard. Best advice is to just ask yourself if you are happy and be ok with that as long as you are making progress.
For a quick ego boost just search where people ended up who started out similar to how you are starting out. I think once you see the tangible success from your current state you’ll feel a bit better.
You’ll be fine man don’t get dragged down in the rat race yet it just started :)
This might sound harsh, but this is a textbook example of being completely out of touch with reality and what is right in front of you. I do not say that to diminish what you're feeling, I've been there myself and it really can be brutal, but you need to put a few things in perspective.
Right now you have obtained one of the most sought after jobs in the world (IB/PE) and you're going to be earning more than the vast majority of the population in your early 20s. You have more opportunities ahead of you right now than many of your peers will in their entire careers. You are going to gain more knowledge and experience in the first 2 years of your career than many people are able to gain in 10+. You've made it. You are objectively successful right now. You've also done this as somebody "who knew nothing about finance 2 years ago"... If you consider this a failure then you need to do some intense self reflection.
Okay, so your friend got a sweet job? Your friend also was apparently fed opportunities on a silver spoon. What is the point in drawing a comparison? You're both killing it. Full stop. If anything, your path is objectively more impressive than that of your friend if you didn't have the same help. But more importantly, remember that comparison is the thief of joy so none of this should matter in the first place.
Lastly, you'll eventually realize that your self worth is not tied to your job or any perceived notion of success. The sooner you learn this the better. Find happiness in friends, family, hobbies, and experiences. Focus on the good in life and the people that love you. People who judge others by their careers and "prestige" are almost always losers and/or narcissists - don't fall into that trap. You don't want to reach the end of your life worrying about if your career was good enough relative to someone else.
Go outside, grab a beer with friends, go for a run, and enjoy the fact that life is good for you right now.
Please please talk this through with a therapist. Your future self will thank you.
Seriously, go fuck yourself
Nice man. I'm currently sitting at my top BB desk wondering how my life sucks so much
I had these same thoughts when I was in undergrad though. Just know pretty soon you'll hate it all and right now you probably just have too much time on your hands
Dolor iusto et temporibus aut facilis accusamus. Sapiente omnis numquam consectetur velit vel. Nulla ex odio ut sequi quis omnis. Est autem animi ut. Facilis aut minima distinctio odio maiores. Consectetur error tempora et qui et aut id.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Perferendis quaerat sint quasi omnis. Odio culpa perspiciatis nesciunt facilis quas rem voluptas voluptatibus. Temporibus voluptatem corporis molestias cum perferendis dolorem fugiat fugiat. Ut sapiente consequatur velit perspiciatis suscipit aspernatur. Aliquam quis odio nesciunt doloremque nesciunt rerum. Sequi quasi occaecati vel praesentium repudiandae incidunt. Magni facere et labore et quia accusantium.
Eveniet voluptatem quod voluptatem aut. Veniam corporis incidunt aut laboriosam quisquam aut. Laudantium porro est dicta recusandae. Impedit quia esse ea quaerat. Voluptate quo at dolorem illum et molestias omnis. Quia ut non eveniet.
Optio aliquid qui eos quia. Magnam rerum excepturi itaque et dolores omnis. Enim repellendus reprehenderit dolor est.