Johnnie Walker Yields...

Following BP down the wormhole to wonderland, Diageo PLC announced yesterday in London, that they would begin patching up their sinking ship with...whisky?!. Yep, the world's largest producer and distributor of alcoholic drinks , is using maturing whisky to plug a deficit in the company's pension plan.

The global source for geting sauced will establish a pension fund with a trustee, hoping to generate roughly 25 million a year for 15 years-using maturing whisky spirit as collateral.

As an act of good faith CEO Paul Walsh threw 50 million pounds into the giant tip jar, while slurring something about "that bastard Wayne Rooney" and "those blasted Gerries", before removing himself from the negotiating table to go sweet talk the elegant, long-legged, mahogany coat rack in the corner.

The strategic maneuver comes after an internal review of the pension fund last year, which discovered an 862 million pound deficit.

News of the deal, reportedly spread like wildfire through Cockney Pubs, with professional drunkards offering their shriveled up livers as collateral for a neat J&B.

Across the pond, companies like General Mills and Kraft Foods took the news and ran with it, announcing that as of 2012 all corporate dividends would be paid out to investors in rations of Cocoa Puffs and Lime Green Jell-O.