Picking Spouses as a Banker
What do most banking people end up prioritizing in a partner? Are there a lot of power couples, or is dating someone who has a more relaxed job necessary if you’re working 100 hr weeks?
TBH just can’t imagine both people living extremely stressful lives, or potentially sacrificing their career for children (children are a huge time commitment obviously and every married couple I know has one person who gave up their career to take care of them, usually women cuz they take a step back from the time of pregnancy)
I've dated both. I found dating other bankers or lawyers tough. Not only on calendars but also on joint stress levels.
I'm now married to someone from a more relaxed career who gas effectively gone part time to support our family growth.
Both can work, I've seen plenty of power couples for example. But I don't want my kids brought up by a nanny, so I changed my criteria to find someone who was open to being a home maker.
"Power couple?" Chill out.
Lol exactly. What a bunch of delusional kids thinking a couple hundred Gs slaving like a bitch gives you “power”
OP watched to much Succession and fantasizes being Tom the cuck
If you've actually seen Succession you know how Tom the cuck ends up
I've met a lot of highly successful people that are married with kids and still high performing. Some people take a step back from finance and focus on other industries. There are plenty of careers that are 40-50hrs per week and pay well for executives.
Fuck that. Have you tried dating a type-A boss bitch type of girl? That's completely disagreeable and loves arguments? Find yourself a nice cheerleader marketing gal and don't look back.
Agreed, all my female friends from undergrad who went into big law, PE/IB, or consulting and stayed for than 2 years ended up being some of the most miserable and insufferable people to be around.
OP, please be open to dating women who don't want to work so that we can quit our jobs. I hate this shit so much
Married the cheerleader -> MBB girl, easiest marriage ever
she got a sister?
Theres a fine line, personally I’ve never had a positive experience with Type-A personality girls, try it out and see for yourself tho lol
I mean, it's not like you're going to the grocery store and "picking" the person you want to be with. Instead of focusing on someone's career and whether you'll be a "power couple," maybe think more about the qualities you like in other people and prioritize that, and the rest will follow?
I'm not a banker but I think it's dumb to date someone super career focused. I don't have many friends with a very successful marriage where both people in the relationship work a ton.
To me, it's much more important to have a very present and involved parent, and my wife felt the same way. My wife previously had a good role in private credit and quit to become a full time mom. No regrets, we both love it.
I don't want my kid to be raised by a nanny. We even moved to a high COL + high tax area just to be near my family so they could all help us too & enjoy hanging out with the baby. It's been really nice in a lot of ways I didn't really consider. For example, my grandpa has been super depressed since my grandma had to go into long term care for her dementia. He gets super happy & excited when he hangs out with the baby, and we live like...15 minutes away from him! What is that worth? To me it's worth a LOT. You can't even put a price tag on it? Can you? My dad told me that was the first time he had seen my grandpa happy in ~3+ months...
I guess it comes down to what you want...but I don't really see the value in dating someone working 80+ hours a week to make money that doesn't impact lifestyle.
What I mean by this is, if you're making ~$1m+, does it matter if your spouse is also making that? Wtf are you going to buy with $2m that you cant buy with $1m? Nothing really. Obviously this is different if you are very mission-driven about something specific, but nobody working for someone else is very mission driven - IE IB/lawyers. Surgeons, yeah I can see that since you're literally saving lives...but most senior bankers/lawyers are not doing it purely for the game.
Also, if you're smart enough to be a banker, you can generally figure out how to make $1m+ per year with good upside to make another chunky slug of $...don't marry someone for earning capacity lol.
Optimize for the one that doesnt divorce you
I gave type A many serious chances, but they always chose wars of attrition.
Please elaborate bro
Not interested in reliving the trauma.
Wise fucking comment bro. Wars of attrition is the most accurate verbiage to put it in.
Would never in a million years marry a high finance banker / PE / HF woman. What a nightmare
preferably my spouse's dad can get me a position at his MF PE.
This is the way. Pick the spouse based on the father's clout.
You need one of the parents able to drop work and pick up the kid if they’re sick at school, or able to go mid day teacher conferences
I hate this question. But I understand why you're asking it.
A lot of the takes here (e.g. Lockwood) I agree with, but I think it's answering a slightly different question to what to prioritise in finding a partner.
Bankers are people, we didn't evolve separately. Marry the person you fall in love with, and it will work. I am intensely aware of how corny that sounds, but if you don't love someone, you shouldn't be marrying. Making it work may involve one of you compromising on career. It may involve a nanny or boarding school if that works for you both. That might involve family suport. But if you are in love and committed to a long term future together (and, I think by definition, share the same values), you will find a way. Making your family "work" will become more important in your mind when it comes than it does as a student or fresh out of university in a way I cannot describe. It's like when your Mam said "you'll thank me when I'm older" and you didn't believe her at the time, but she was already right.
So marry who you fall in love with. As with finding that person, we can start with someone who, you know, you like. And who you find attractive. And who shares your values. Beyond that it's up to you but we could write a book on it. But my one bit of practical advice? Don't rule people out or in based on their career - there is, and I mean it literally here, more to life.
I’ve dated both. It’s a fine line. I haven’t enjoyed being with type A women, but I’m not very type A myself so it might be a personal thing. That being said, I find ambitious and successful women far more attractive. So it’s the challenge of finding a relaxed partner that still has a high powered career.
Don't like women who are extremely career oriented + plenty of studies out there point out that women are more negatively impacted by the stress of high demanding work, so don't want a neurotic/anxious partner who's stress will take a toll when she's in her 30s/40s.
On the other side, I also don't want a lazy and unambitious one who just wants to stay in bed. So the key is to find a balance and someone who is also aligned with your values.
The idea is not hard, but finding it is a completely different story
All the IB/PE/HF ladies are fuming as they read this thread lmfao
I don't think there are many in the field, let alone on wso of all places lol
Pray that they won't read it. Because they will NOT learn from it.
It'll just fuel their hate against their male coworkers (women typically already hate each other), boyfriends, husbands, etc.
And then tomorrow a poor man will get psychotic shit thrown at him.
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Funny how I was in the "in favor" category 15 years ago. Wanted a smart, ambitious woman. Got one. High school sweetheart, CS undergrad, works in Big Tech, and beautiful too. But she's the most narcissistic woman I've dated. Our arguments always ended up in "well if you don't like it then there are lots of guys who want to replace you".
The dumbfuck me even bought a ring to propose. She said yes. Then one day, I asked her how she wants to plan for the wedding. She didn't want a wedding because she'd have to apply for leave (???) Apparently work is more important to her than a single day of shared happiness.
That was the turning point for me. I couldn't endure it anymore and call it quits. 15 years of relationship.
My strategy nowadays is to aim for women who (1) I find attractive and (2) has great personality - someone who can make sacrifices and is suitable to be a mother of my children. I couldn't care less about her career or how much she makes - she could be a full time housewife if she wants to.
mirror mirror on the wall who's the hardest hardo of all
Have dated a bunch. I find someone successful in their career as an attractive trait. I think of my relationship and marriage more of a partnership where we’re doing life together. In my experience, it really isn’t Type A women that are annoying. It’s the Type A women that are ultra competitive, make their jobs their identity (basically your stereotypical finance bro), take themselves too seriously. I dated a hedge fund girl who worked 12 hour days but it was just a job for her during those hours and tbh you wouldn’t be able to tell if she was a marketing or fashion girl too. We had a fantastic lifestyle when together because double the income really goes a long way when you’re booking dumb luxury hotels and flights. I’ve found the type A women to be tough only in NY. I had absolutely no issues when I was in London. I think there’s an element of politics / liberal vibes in NY girls too.
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My fav type of woman is someone who spent time in Europe for many years before returning to NY. It’s the best. They’ve seen outside the US to know that Miami, Aspen, Napa aren’t the coolest places to go to. They’re usually more curious and ambitious - why else would you move halfway across the world for something? Tend to think they’re less superficial and materialistic too. Maybe it’s just a more worldly view which I appreciate versus your standard CT, Long Island girl doing tech sales at Salesforce or strategy at Google. To each their own.
mba marketing strategy or a swe has been optimal for me
Do you just want a woman with a dong? That's what a type A woman is, literally a wannabe man with way too much T and narcissim
I am happily married to a woman who works aa 9-4 and makes ok money, but takes care of 70% of thse stuff around the home and is incredibly sweet. She easily admits when she is wrong (I try and do the same) and I've never seen here start a fight. I cannot imagine dating some Associate banker Type A woman who is angry all the the time or too tired to do anything, and treats everything as a scorched earth battle
What these women don't realize is that almost no man actually wants that. The same thing that is attractive for a man (independence, money, drive) are traits that most men do NOT want in their women. The extra couple hundred k you get from marrying a Type A woman is far outweighed by the negatives
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