Please Help! - Burnt Out And Depressed Despite Having My Dream Job And Not Sure How To Fix It
I'm sorry in advance for the rant but I have no one I can talk to about any of this who would understand and the PE Associate Jumps to Death / Discussion on Mental Health thread really struck a nerve for me.
tl;dr I have completely failed in developing a sense of meaning outside my work life, my personal life is frankly shit, and said work life is steadily burning me up from both ends. I have no idea how to fix this because this job is what I have wanted and worked towards for years and now that I have it all the other developments of the past 2 years are taking a toll on my mental health.
A feeling of hopelessness and dread has been steadily creeping into my day-to-day for months now and I have no clue what to do to fix it. This was a dream job for me because I come from an unimpressive background (blue collar, non-target, lackluster GPA, no banking/consulting experience) and wanted to work for this type of sector-focused fund since college. I was unbelievably blessed to break into a MM fund with a top MF/MM pedigree investing with a flexible mandate, low investment team headcount (<10 people), and great LPs (top PE and F500 founders/leadership and several large family offices). The job is fascinating, the people I get exposed to are amazing, and I am learning a ton. The problem is, while I love my work, I fucking hate my life.
- I am pretty sure the behavioral complex I have developed around work is unhealthy because it is almost all I think about these days and makes me feel borderline bipolar at times. If I mess up on something it can haunt my sleep for days but when I get "good job" I will feel over the moon for a short period then go right back to stressing about making sure everything else is as close to perfect as possible. I like to think this type of work obsession was helpful because it made me a top performer in the past which helped me get this job, but now it just makes me feel burnt out.
- I have no friends that live near me nor the time to go out and make new ones since I'm working 80-100 hour weeks with weekend work regularly. I have no hobbies unless you count watching tv, cooking for myself, and drinking. It feels impossible to try and start one since my team is fully remote and they are based in different time zones (which makes it hard to bond with the only coworker I have who's close in age), so I will be getting work assignments/asks late into the evening and in some cases the middle of the night making me feel chained to my home office.
- I have not been able to seriously date after breaking off a 4+ year relationship to move and pursue the job prior to this one. I gave up on dating apps because the only matches I ever seem to get near me are either women pushing their OF or literal prostitutes who go right for Venmo/Cashapp which is obviously a scam. It feels awkward being the only single/unmarried person at my firm. To make things worse, I have developed a pornography addiction and gained ~50lbs (5'10 pushing 230) since the start of the pandemic .
- The pandemic heavily strained what relationships I had with most of my family (they think I'm basically Hitler because I do not 100% agree with their ideological stances and try to have a normal relationship w/o discussing politics). It has become even more pronounced this holiday season because I refuse to get the vaccine (heart problems run in the family) since my little brother and a friend's little brother (both a few years my junior) got it and have been getting sick constantly ever since. My friend's brother was an athlete who can now barely go for a half hour run without sounding like he just tried to sprint a marathon carrying a another person on his back (my friend told me privately he thinks it is myocarditis but his brother has not gotten tested yet) and my brother has been missing a ton of school. This has me terrified for my brother especially because he is severely special needs and the parent who has custody does not seem remotely concerned about his deterioration over the past ~6 months because of course the vaccines are 100% safe and effective and since I am unvaccinated I cannot visit. To make matters worse on this subject I am the only unvaccinated person at my firm and while it has not come up in any discussions, I am privately terrified that it may be made a requirement and I would have to choose between it or my job.
I do not know what the hell to do with myself. I feel alone and scared that since work has been the only constant in my life for years now that if something destabilized that I am pretty sure I would spin out and crash into a wall like a NASCAR driver.
What steps can I take to pull myself out of this unhealthy cycle?
Just wanted to say I've been seeing your posts on a lot of these types of threads and that you're a good person for helping like this always
Above very helpful. To add, you don’t need to try to do all of those at the same time. Just pick one and stick to it and you will naturally start doing the other things.
I'd say tie two of these goals into one. Find a group exercise activity and sign up. Now you have to meet people and keep a disciplined schedule of working out. Make it something fun too instead of some soul-sucking cycle class. Do a rock climbing group course, or a local rec basketball/soccer/tennis league, marathon conditioning group, etc. Get out there doing something and make it so you're doing it with other people.
Yoga, Pilates, pick a favorite gym you vibe at (mine is equinox) and work out, run, try to reconnect with old friends, ask to take a leave from work and go somewhere remote like Bali. Go to your GP and tell him / her what you described here. No shame at all in seeking help when you need it. Consider a lower paying job at a normal company with less stress, maybe one that offers full remote work to allow you to work somewhere that fits your personality
Hey OP, it's totally understandable that this is a rough period for you. It's hard to develop that sense of meaning since you're sinking a lot of your time / energy solely into work and your capacity is limited. For better or worse, you sacrificed development in other areas of your life in order to achieve this current role.
Right now you're coming to terms with the fact that there is a gap between the expectations and reality of the this dream job. I relate to the mindset you mentioned. I also initially had an unimpressive background and felt that getting x,y,z internship or job would finally satisfy and fulfill many of my un-met needs. However, I came to realize that it only solved my career needs whereas it decreased my quality of life in other areas.
Although you say that you love your work, I'm not sure how much you actually love your work? It sounds like you like it when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, but the day-to-day sucks because it's unpredictable, there's long hours, and you don't feel connected to the team although you're learning a lot from them. Although you enjoy rubbing shoulders with those who excel in the industry, the continuous learning, and the lean team.
You mentioned about being scared to destabilize work since it's the only constant in your life for yours. The rest of your life feels shaky and hanging onto this gives you a sense of control. From my POV, I agree that destabilizing work would shake up your life, but it would be for the better. You can either continue feeling this way, or experience some temporarily heightened negative emotions before you start re-building a life which gives you a better quality of life.
What steps can I take to pull myself out of this unhealthy cycle?
I'm sure some would disagree with this but here's my take:
Normally, I would recommend trying to make it work in their current career via taking better care of yourself physically and mentally, seeking out mentorship, and looking to improve efficiency. However, because it's affecting so many areas of your life, that would feel like a band-aid solution to me (You can't relax even on your time off, you feel lonely and it's hard making friends in this situation, you're engaging in escapism which has lead to weight gain and a pornography addiction). I'd focus on the medium-term solution of switching to a job with less hours / stress / unpredictability. You're already achieved a lot but you've hit diminishing returns through supercharging your career at the expense of other areas.
If you'd still like to stick it out, I think the other users have already given you some pretty great tips. Although I would personally prioritize better relationships over eating better / exercising since I find that improves my quality of life more so than better physical self-care.
As well, I recently wrote a thread which included additional resources if you'd like to take a look through my post history.
You're scared which is normal. You feel alone and I hope these comments will show that others care about helping you. You definitely have a desire to improve which really is the first step towards change. I'm impressed that you were able to identify and structure out the problematic areas, as most people who are struggling usually just have a brain dump of thoughts wo a logical order / organization. This level of self-awareness and logical structuring makes me feel that you could cope better than you imagine if you were to 'destabilize your career'. Good luck OP I wish you all the best.
Best of luck. Most that I can offer is this regarding porn:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/miscellaneous-resources/start-here-evol…
"since I am unvaccinated I cannot visit. To make matters worse on this subject I am the only unvaccinated person at my firm and while it has not come up in any discussions, I am privately terrified that it may be made a requirement and I would have to choose between it or my job."
Can you go into more detail about why you're unvaccinated? Let's ignore the porn addiction but that's something we can come back to later.
Set a goal to target WRT the weight loss… and just chip away daily. Become addicted to the feeling and the chase of pushing forward toward that goal. Get addicted to cycling, or running, or kickboxing, etc. You can also make friends in cycling or run clubs, or at the gym of choice choice. Cheers… and hopefully this is the beginning of a deep love you eventually develop with something insanely healthy (both physically and mentally) for you.
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