My mom was previously in a memory care facility which was $5,200 per month. Then she broke her hip and it immobilized her and now she needs 24/7 skilled nursing support. It is $9K - $10K+ per month for this. She likely needs skilled care for the rest of her life.
Luckily we have long term insurance, but only have about $450K left in that account as she has been in memory care for 3 years.
Getting old is expensive. I’ve heard some people spend 90% of their health expenses in the last 10% of their life. My mom generally had zero health problems until the dementia hit.
My dad’s place isn’t cheap either and is $5,000 per month for independent senior living (2BR 2BA). This isn’t covered by insurance.
Daily rates for my mom:
First, I am so sorry you have to deal with this, especially at an age that I think is way too young.
Second, on the subject matter, I've been talking about this with a lot of people lately. The cost of end of life care has ballooned so out of control that I am of the view that the majority of the baby boomers' wealth is going to evaporate into palliative care / the healthcare system in general. End result being a far smaller transfer of wealth to Gen X / Millennials due to inheritance than we've ever seen before in this country, which is going to exacerbate the wealth gap we've already seen forming.
Speculative, but it really is scary how incredibly expensive it is to age in this country.
Thanks - I appreciate it. Yeah, my mom was 44 when I was born. And my oldest sibling is 19 years older than me. Also, I'm the only sibling on site here to help with my parents, so I have to deal with a lot of things.
You're right, it will definitely tap into my inheritance after the Long Term Insurance runs out. But, I would do anything for my Mom, so I'm not too upset about that. I just wish we had $1M or so in Long Term Insurance.
Is long term care insurance accepted at this facility? I’ve heard that “in network” care facilities are often undesired leading to long term care to be less useful than previously thought.
Sorry you’re going through this bud. Praying for your family.
I hadn't thought the implications of this to its natural conclusion before but that makes total sense.
This is why, despite being in this industry, I have always voted for Bernie Sanders. We need the cost savings that single payer healthcare affords thanks to economies of scale. Yeah he's batshit otherwise, but people simply do not know what negative externalities our inflefficient healthcare system will have. It's going to really bite us in the ass when the boomers are all dying in hospitals. Covid chaos just a prequel for the real shitshow to come.
Not sure I follow this logic. Correct me if I’m wrong but wouldn’t having a single payer exacerbate the issue? The idea behind having multiple payers and providers is they then have to compete with one another. With only one payer there’s no incentive to be competitive and drive efficiencies to reduce costs and boost profits.
Thanks for bringing this up. And sorry it is rough and a big financial issue. People don't think too deeply about the cost of getting old and plan accordingly for it. Long-term care is insanely expensive and costs are only increasing. I knew it was expensive, but holy hell I get sticker shock looking at those $300+ daily rates. And who knows about all the additional fees and expenses on top of that for medication and other needs. I'm planning for this stuff now for the parents potentially needing this.
I checked the prices in my area for housing options:
What are the strategies to hedge against this future expense? Long-term care insurance? Is there a tax-advantaged account I can contribute to?
Yeah the prices I quoted are in a LCOL area, so HCOL might be double. As far as hedging your future expense, long term care insurance is what you need to invest in as far as I know. I don't know which insurance companies are the best or what plans they offer - I'm just working off of what my dad invested in.
I'm not sure about the tax implications, but someone here who is in PWM might have more answers. I did make the post to open the eyes of people on the board to plan accordingly. Luckily my family is probably in the category of upper middle class, so it impacts us, but is manageable somewhat.
Unfortunately, long-term care insurance won't really exist in a meaningful way for people under 60 right now. The LTC insurance businesses are cratering and they're starting to shut down. My mother's insurance provider is trying to offer customers crappy, laughable buyouts to get out of the obligations. Fortunately, all states have a state re-insurance program should there be a total collapse, but they are limited. For the rest of people under 60, the answer is to exercise 4 times a week for 50 years to maximize bone strength and to not retire lest your brain turn to mush. That's my "retirement plan"--exercise and work.
I think most people who can afford these facilities had a ton of home equity and MOST people are in these facilities for <18 months.
USA USA USA
What you’re doing is truly exceptional to take care of her. It’s very obvious through many of your posts how much you deeply care about her, so it’s great to see you doing everything you can to make her life as easy as possible. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I won’t pretend I understand the feelings because I don’t. But I do know that you’ll always know you’ve been doing all you can and making her life as comfortable as possible, which is what truly matters.
I know you’re Catholic, and regardless of beliefs or religions, death has a 100% tax. It sucks to pay so much (I agree with other posters regarding US Healthcare and wealth divides), but you really don’t take any of it with you anyway. You’re putting money towards what truly matters, taking care of others. In my opinion, there’s no more noble allocation of resources.
Thanks bro - appreciate it.
I know most people are american and I don't want to make fun of your culture but I don't get how people just send their parents to retirement homes? Why not take care of them yourselves, are you that cold-hearted?
Are you willing to scrub down your naked Mom in the shower every day and dress her and provide physical therapy and nursing care on your own, including changing her dirty diapers multiple times per day? I doubt it.
I took care of my Mom at the sacrifice of my career for years before we finally admitted we needed more help. So don’t call me cold hearted as I have given my all to helping my parents.
What a horrible fucking thing to say to somebody. Holy shit.
It is not a retirement home. It is skilled care, as he has mentioned. This has happened in my family before and it wasn't an easy decision. It took many years of trying to do it on our own before we realized that we needed professionals to give him the skilled care that he needs, for dementia, atrophy and muscle rotting due to inactivity. AND it took a lot of convincing and bickering with the less educated members of the extended family who don't know the difference between retirement homes and skilled care. Know that when you say smtg like that you're demonstrating the same type of ignorance that the uneducated people in my family did. Thankfully he died a peaceful death from Covid which saved him from the suffering - his flesh was going black due to rotting and he couldn't speak at all to articulate any thoughts or feelings because his brain had gone to mush from dementia
And I'm not American.
And dude, that's a horrible thing to say to someone, let alone someone going thru this
Thanks for the support. Yeah I was pretty steamed reading that post, but saw he was an intern and probably just an ignorant reckless 21 year old who doesn't know shit. I can't let that level of naivete concern me.
My mom has severe dementia and is immobile, she doesn't respond to stimuli and she can barely eat, which is the most important thing. When the eating and drinking go, that's usually the last straw. She can't dress or undress herself and needs assistance with all personal hygiene such as bathing and brushing her teeth, etc.
I was with her for lunch today and really treasure every moment I can get with her. I helped her drink a tea, fed her some shrimp, and also dessert cake and a Boost drink. If she is proactively eating, I'll let her do her thing, if not I want to assist so she has the nutrients. She doesn't always or often speak, and she can only say "lovely" when she drinks her Boost drink or "thank you" sometimes. That seems to be the extent of her vocabulary. She is still such a sweetheart and if you're lucky she will grab your hand and kiss it. Today I gave her a hug goodbye and she said "Thank you" in her Australian accent. These are the moments you remember.
Lol what an idiot, age care facility staff are more skilled when it comes to handling health complications associated with old age.
Plus, people have to work, no one is staying home 24/7 looking after their parents.
Holy moly you're a piece of shit for saying something like this. Implying that someone recognizing a profoundly medically impaired family member needs professional assistance makes them cold-hearted? Talk about being detached from reality, I would be embarrassed to be related to someone with such a profound lack of sense and pity whatever family-members may have to rely on you in the future. Either you're just painfully ignorant or you must be from some backwater where care homes and professional disability support simply don't exist.
It may be cheaper for you to look into getting a small apartment and then hiring your own full time care nurse. We did this with my grandparents and had 2-3 people who would rotate shifts.
Of course, you have to interview them and it wasn't cheap for 24/7 care (which was absolutely necessary), but it was still cheaper than paying for the nursing homes, where it smelled like death every time you walked in the doors.
Why not explore alternatives, such as assisted death/euthanasia? Much better for all parties involved. The patient does not have to suffer and can die peacefully and with their family around. The family can grieve in a structured environment. The capital is not wasted on palliative care and can be used for the children (college tuition, house, etc)?
(Serious question)
I don't know if that is legal/possible in the US; I have heard of this in places like Switzerland, but we are Catholic so don't believe in abortion or euthanasia. She is DNR status, so if anything else comes up she will not be resuscitated. Overall though, I'd rather be there and care for her over having more money in my bank account.
Having gone through the full cycle of caring for my dad, I commend what you’re doing and I foresee many more Millennials (1980-1995 born) to be doing this. I’m one of the oldest Millennials, born 1981, and I took care of my dad along with my sister. Our dad had me in a second marriage, so he was 10-15 years older than my friends’ parents.
So, I’ve seen the future. My dad died in 2014 from pneumonia caused by aspiration due to late term vascular dementia (dementia from strokes).
Enjoy your time with your mom. Time is limited. If you are lucky, you will see her during her “moment of clarity” a day before she loses consciousness for the last time (she might stay alive via ventilator for several days). Once morphine is introduced, death comes soon.
I could not just watch my dad breathe his last breath, so since it was late at night on his last day I held his hand and fell asleep next to him. A couple hours passed and I was awaken by a nurse, that my dad passed. His skin was cold, except where I was holding his hand as we slept. The passing of an era and generation, he was the youngest of his 6 siblings and last to die.
My journey was crazy, and I was almost fired from my investment analyst job at 25 because I was bringing lunch and dinner to my dad during the day. when my VP said I miraculously improved, I told him that my dad moved back to Hawaii (he was in SF to get heart surgery at Stanford and recover). I’ve become a “5 ball juggler” in my career and life, and a maximizer and risk taker (because my exposure to death and knowing how short and “what you make of” life is).
I do write about this in blogs and want to raise the awareness of younger people to reach their “age of maturity” sooner in life and really get to know the story of your parents and grandparents before dementia/death happens. I find that 30-35 years of age is the normal timing, but that usually means your grandparents are very very old, and anything can happen to your parents.
My dad prepared me for his eventual death throughout my life (since my mom died young). But I miss him dearly. I hope my kids will look after me when I’m old. The mark of a compassionate, advanced society is taking care of people who don’t have net economic contributions. Finding the lower costs to do so is fine and necessary on a macro level. I don’t believe most people when they casually say, “euthanize me when I get like that.” Because most people say that when they have a lot of time left; but when time is short, people want to live. To see loved ones; be in their lives; to feel warmth, to taste, to smile and experience kindness. One day this likely will be your experience.
Thanks for your kind words and your heartfelt story. Family is really everything. I'm the same age as you (1982 baby). I have been helping both my parents (dad is 87, mom is 84) for a number of years in various forms of help. My mom forgot my name and who I was in 2016 and that was a hard time for me. But, shortly after that, I realized that she always looked at me fondly in a special way unlike anyone else and it meant the world to me. She began to lose her filter with the dementia and for a few years, when she would see me, she would exclaim "my favorite!" when she saw me with wide arms to embrace and hug.
My mom used to be obsessed with music and would remember all her favorite songs even with the dementia. I got her big headphones and she was truly happy spending time with my dad and I and listening to music. She loved to dance too and sometimes I would dance with her and she would be so happy. Then about a year ago, she forgot her favorite songs and doesn't really respond to music anymore, which is heartbreaking.
She is out of it most of the time now. The highlights are if she has her Boost drink or even seeing her eat makes me happy. She can't really use a fork and just picks up food with her fingers. You're right - I hope my kids are there with me to the end as well if I have kids. I also visit my dad daily and he needs all kinds of help with everything from his iPhone to calling people to all his passwords on the computer and he thanks me pretty much daily for being there for him.
You have such a clear and beautiful perspective about this, your post was exceptionally inspiring. I'm sure your parents are now watching over you and are proud of what you've accomplished.
Your point about taking care of people without a strong safety net hits close to home. I've become very interested in urban planning and believe it's one of many ways that can help people improve their lives. Specifically, I would love to have a larger lot with a backyard to build an ADU and have family "age in place," having those be able to be built by right would be a step in the right direction.
You are doing the right thing and will not regret it. Dementia sucks.
My grandma has it too and it’s weird watching someone go through it. Trying to visit as much as possible. So far we have only had to put her in a daytime activity thing and have some nurses come by throughout the week.
Hope your mother is enjoying her Mothers Day Isaiah.
Thanks bro, I really appreciate it. I saw her today. She drank 2x 350cal Ensures and seemed happy.
I hope your family had a good Mother's day @Isaiah_53. I saw Wolf got to it first. Hope things are well too, Wolf.
This is a subject matter I'm quite uninformed about. Just wanted to say that I wish you the best and I admire your dedication. Praying for you and your family, my friend.
Thanks bro
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