Hi all, 30 year old male here. Moved from a (very big) Midwestern city during my quarter life crisis. Since then my career has achieved escape velocity averaging $20K/year increases in base pay. My career path is relatively low stress (software), highly engaging (for me), and provides tons of growth. Been on over 100 dates using multiple apps. While it has been an educational experience, the dating scene in New York is very different. Finding it hard to get seriously attracted and starting to get the feeling that the environment here is too harsh. Falling in love with someone quickly was never in my wiring and while sex is nice it is not a core motivator. Starting to think that the problem is not me but NYC. Below are some complaints / observations:
1) Women are obsessed with their jobs. When I say obsessed I mean NYTimes readers with Trump obsessed. 95% of my dates will discuss the intricacies of their job in painstaking detail. Dont get me wrong, if you are a surgeon/cop or crushing it in real estate sales I want to hear about it. What I dont want to hear is how your manager at the PR firm you are interning for after taking a second masters degree does not fully recognize your achievements; its pathetic. What happened to trying to impress someone on a first date? and no putting some lipstick and foundation on does not count. Also, stop asking me about my job if A) you have no capacity/patience to listen to me explain it or B) you really dont care and just want to put me in a "bucket" or some sort. Nothing kills the mood like having to talk to someone who is just not listening.
2) People have little time. Between my job, exercise, basic life shit, and maintaining existing relationship with friends and family, I might have 2-3 hours available on a typical weekday and 6-8 hours on the weekends/holidays. Women who literally have no job/school/hobby will be very "busy" helping with their friends play that will totally go into production in a couple years. This is after 2 months of pursing/online texting.
3) Distances are vast. Living in Brooklyn and dating someone from long island/ new jersey is a no go. A lot of eligible women seem to live in these locales with their parents with little ambition to find a closer spot.
4) Initial expectations are crazy. The (strangely) high number of unemployed/unoccupied but seemingly cool men serve as a reference point for all other suitors. There is not way I am going to be able to have a 1-hour snapchat session with you at 11am on a Wednesday after one date.
5) Friends are a bad influence. Not only are they distracting them by monopolizing on time (see #2) but they encourage destructive practices (i.e. "a real man would do x") without suffering the consequences. This is not unique to NYC, but the harshness of suitor bashing is particularly notable.
6) Travel. For whatever reason NYC has a strong culture of paying expensive rent and then leaving to "Europe" for the weekend. How are you supposed to develop a relationship with someone if you are with friends/co-workers/enemies complaining about global warming in Nantucket?
7) Impatience. People want things NOW. You need to LOVE/FUCK/PAY FOR DINNER NOW. If the suitor does not deliver on said goods at the moment, dump him and move on.
Or maybe the problem is me? Looking forward to hearing about your experiences.
Honestly, sounds like the problem is you. This is the take away I got from your post:
You don't want a career oriented woman. You don't want someone who is involved with foundations, has a gym routine, etc unless they prioritize you over them in all cases. You can't seem to find people in Manhattan to date. You don't like the fast pace of the city. You hate that people like to live in nice places or spend money. You hate traveling. And you hate a woman who has friends.
Maybe move to Bentonville, work for wal-mart, and date some girl who loves a pig-sooie chant and wants nothing more than to tend to your 3 bedroom ranch and bear your children. If you can't date in NY, you are going to struggle anywhere.
Couldn't have said it better
I hope you realize most of this isn't a problem for people actually from NYC because a lot of it is just your perspective of the city in general.
The problem is trying to date anyone. Get the apps and just get right to the point.
bro NYC has 2:1 women:men get it together
Goldie, Tinder champion of WSO has spoken. Now get your shit together
Thought you were exaggerating heavily, but the first article I googled pulled said 38% more college educated women than men in Manhattan. That's 58:42 women:men - fucking ridiculous.
this
Yup. And it’s even more absurd in certain specific neighborhoods. I think I once read Chelsea is like 85% women.
Manhattan has a gender ratio that's so skewed, I openly admit that I've been with women way out of my league
A woman will move mountains to see a dude who she has high interest in regardless of her schedule
Of all the insight I could possibly muster up this would be of one my top points and you beat me to it
OP: modern dating is certainly not easy, but it sounds like a big part of the problem here is you. If a girl has high interest in you, she will not be "busy" and she will make it very easy for you to move things forward. Two things I can suggest:
1) Do a better job in your pre-date screening. Don't meet girls whose interest level is super low, or whose lifestyle/personality is barely compatible with yours. If you're pursuing a girl for 2 months through online/text then you're doing something very wrong
2) Obtain more self respect, which may involve some lifestyle changes and a bunch of self improvement. You can't connect with another person until you learn to really love yourself
PUA gurus exist for guys like OP
I like how OP said he doesn't want to hear every painstaking detail about the careers of his dates but when they ask about his career they better be ready to listen to every single detail about it because if not they don't have the "capacity" or patience to listen.
I stopped reading after 100 dates. that sounds way too stressfull
The fuck is your problem lol. Number 1 sounds like normal date conversation. You knew she worked in PR going into it, now you're annoyed that she's talking about it?
Number 3 (some women live in Long Island/Jersey and won't move for OP)...have you already swiped away the vast populations of women in Manhattan/Queens that you need to expand that far? Again, you knew her location going into it, if it's a problem then don't go on a date in the first place.
For Number 4, maybe you have accidentally presented yourself as one of those unemployed/unoccupied men you describe. It must be the girls you date or the activities that are keeping you "busy" because in my experience, no girl will expect me to spend inordinate amounts of time communicating with her electronically.
If Number 5 is a recurring theme, then you need to do some introspection. If you act like a halfway decent person when they meet you, a girl's friends aren't going to actively undercut her interest in you.
...I'm too tired to finish but the problem is you not NYC.
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^^^ PUA guru spotted
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Nothing to add, I was planning on taking the opportunity to shit on your lack of emotional and situational awareness, but the other posters did so sufficiently.
I did find it interesting you felt the need to post your salary increases ahead of your screed. Was it just insecurity? Or do you, as the rest of your post suggests, assume that your ability and willingness to "provide" should trump the rest of their wants, including their desire to talk about their day?
OP is an insecure guy from the Midwest. Guess the chicks he wants are girls like Natasha Mitra, girls who "love to consume. Consuming is my passion", so that he can, like Gopal, "provide". Wait, didn't he mention he worked in software?!!
@ OP, learn essential life skillz from the @IlliniProgrammer" . I bet that this God could pick way more chicks with his rusty Honda than you ever could with your 20k paychecks.
I wouldn't doubt he's from the midwest or some other out of touch culture.
When it comes to women/dating, WSO is about as helpful as a world of warcraft forum. You kids dont know shit beyond getting laid at frat parties.
You clearly look at the wrong World of Warcraft forum.
Well, you live in Brooklyn, Manhattan women don't date the bridge and tunnel crowd.
Does anyone meet their dates in person anymore? I mean initial contact not swiping and then meeting them. Just curious.
Dude, sounds like you need to work on your GAME. You're just not interesting enough for the ladies.
I went into this thinking it'd be another "the problem is you" post but I hear you on a lot of those nuances - it can be a fast and petty crowd - not a great city to date in. GREAT city if you're playing the volume game. The problem is you have guys like me contributing to the net notional insecurity of single women in Manhattan. Sorry :/
As a girl, I quite enjoy dating in New York. And I don't even live there.
I think perhaps you might simply be reeking of desperation.
Stop trying so hard and focus on becoming the person that your imagined ideal partner would look for in a mate. The rest takes care of itself.
these fucking threads
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