Trauma from lack of success in dating
I'm a 24 y/o virgin who has never had a gf before. I'm turning 25 soon and the thought of this scares me because I don't exactly have a solid group of friends in my city. I rue the lack of someone having feelings for me or finding me attractive enough for s*x. Sometimes I question why I'm alive if barely anyone finds me impressive/attractive. I earn a lot ($300k) which I'm happy for, but it just seems like life has gone by without any real experiences.
Is there a way to deal with this trauma? Currently it is keeping me up until 4am everyday which is ruining my work days.
Get a prostitute and re-evaluate.
I actually did this in Mexico but chickened out at the last minute because of how stupid it really was
Some men around me are single forever / divorced / separated.
- work on yourself; better diet, more workouts, upgrade dress code
- expose yourself to where your target group is; maybe the right gym, bar, cafe, ..
- this takes more effort - start building a circle of friends, the vast majority of people I know have met their SO through friends
- create really high-quality pictures for dating apps and the text has to be good
You are a very young guy with a bright future ahead of you. Stuff gets tricky when you in a more difficult spot, i.e. "middle aged", no hair, fat, and with significantly more traumas like divorced, death of a family member or similar.
You can fix this.
I am slightly (5-7 lbs) overweight though. Body fat is 23% but I've been working out 5 times a week to improve that
I doubt that 7 lbs make a difference in the dating world. there are people in finance who gained 70 lbs in their first year.
This is all great advice for the guy.
Major caveat though on dating apps. They don't work for vast majority of men. The data shows that women swipe far less than men, are far pickier, and have far more matches. Dating apps entirely distorted the dating landscape in favor of women. This does not mean that you can't meet someone on an app; plenty have. Rather, the point is that apps are at best a supplementary source, and you should not rely on it as a crutch. The far better ways is to meet people through common interests, events, etc. Now having said that, it's super frustrating since post-COVID, it seems like women are far less willing to meet men "out in the wild." And I'm a guy who is awful at taking pics and look way better in person than on apps. So I have given up on apps for the time being.
I agree with this in theory, but there are dating apps for all kinds of demographics out there. And that might do the trick.
The meat grinder crowd on tinder is focused more on looks, and unless the guy is hot it won't work out. But there are apps for black people, jewish people, different accents, christian dating, and so much more these days....
you will meet women on apps you would never meet IRL.
and what else can a guy do if he doesn't have that many friends and cold approaching IRL isn't working?
I recommend you go for some fat chicks as sometimes we need a little training in the farm league before we get called up to the big show
Not had success with that either tbh
Get a hooker. It'll make you realize that sex is this hugely mystified thing that's an overrated construct by society. Don't get used to it tho (easy sex) - just use it to get your feet wet, calm some nerves and reevaluate
This is one of the way learn to sex, but some guy can't turn on if having sex without feeling of love, which i don't know how. At the end, they go for sugar baby.
Join an MMA gym. I promise you it will change your life and boost your confidence. Then you get shredded, post new pics on dating websites and you're set.
Thank me later.
recs on MMA gyms in NY?
I have heard Renzo Gracie is good - here is a decent list of MMA gyms in NYC. Cheers.
https://fightersvault.com/mma-in-new-york-city-guide/
I think I had asked you this before, but would you recommend BJJ? A number of some new friends I made recently are into, and one of my coworkers and a former roommate said I have a good frame for it (not sure whether that's a good thing or not per se), but I have been seriously considering it as a good workout supplement to regular weightlifting and other forms of cardio.
Yeah BJJ is great. Highly recommended.
First step is stop calling this self inflicted lack of experience you gave yourself 'trauma'. If you sat inside watching cartoons all day stuffing your face with little debbie cakes and no girl likes you that isnt trauma, that is being a self destructing loser. It's a weak mentality and you need to shed that because dating world will chew you up and spit you out.
The good news is you are still young enough where it's not super weird to have inexperience, you have a great income, live in a city full of other young people looking to meet others, and you are aware that there is a problem. Dating apps will be your saving grace here since you likely lack the social skills to get women otherwise (for now). The 3 biggest gaps you may or may not have that you need to fix asap:
- Gym - Do you lift weights? Are you thin? Get into a 4 day a week lifting regimine and mix in with cardio, nothing will boost your confidence and appearance more. Exercise and diet is the best ROI with having romantic success, though it isnt a silver bullet. This also will give you discipline and a new hobby to focus your mental energy on instead of women.
- social group - how big is your social circle? Try to commit to one thing a week that puts you around people you dont know. There are plenty of young professional groups, online meetup clubs, rec sports groups, non profit organizations, etc. that are eager for people to join. Yes a lot of these groups might have other friendless weirdos too but youll find some quality buds too. The hardest thing is going from 0 friends to 2 or 3. Once you have them down and you have people you can do stuff with, introduce you to others, etc. it becomes a lot easier to make more friends and eventually youll always be connected to something, which in turn helps your dating life. I'd not recommend joining these groups to meet women, but more to meet people and make connections. If there is mutual interest go for it, but if you join some networking group to meet chicks they can smell that a mile away
- hobbies/interests - you sound like you spend too much time in your own head. Find something completely new that you have a passing interest in and try to learn as much about it as possible. Again if you live in a big city there is no excuse here. Every 2-3 months committ to trying something completely new and sticking with it, you might like it you might not. Go do improv, go join a rock climbing gym, go learn an instrument, etc.
If you just download tinder right now and half ass everything then you will end up frustrated and bitching about how its rigged like most guys online. If you actually work on yourself a bit and have a good friend group, in decent shape, have cool things youve done that you can talk about, etc. you will have no problem dating.
"Trauma" lol okay
hahahahaaha
Truthfully speaking, it’s a different approach depending where you are. It’d be more helpful to know what region/city you’re in for any real advice.
San Francisco
Ouch
you should move. The Bay area was the only place I have ever lived where men had to queue up for the restroom.
In your opinion, what would be the biggest 3 obstacles in your dating life?
1. San Francisco
2. San Francisco
3. San Francisco
1) Not hitting the "transactional" criteria like looks and money. I'm maybe a 5 at best facially even though I have a lean body, and I've been middle class most of my life so nothing to paper over the ok-looks.
2) Social circle full of men. If I move to NYC this changes drastically based on the friends that are in that city but otherwise in SF it's purely just other dudes in tech/finance, and the one odd friend would bring his gf along.
3) San Francisco, not because the city sucks but because the ratio is so skewed that it's hard to even get a date out of the 10 matches I get in 3 months. Had 2 dates set up but both flaked at the ultra last minute. None of these matches were technically out of my league, but I guess the skewed ratio does make them out of my league?
First off, I won't touch Tinder. It's already widespread that the odds aren't in your favor and also it's a pussy move in my opinion because it avoids facing a real (and maybe even main) issue: Not putting yourself in a position to be refused or even lacking the confidence to approach a woman. Also if you're "a 5" more reasons to avoid online dating and instead opt out to approach women in social settings where you can show your charisma, humor, and conversation aptitudes (side notes: those 3 will carry you way further in your dating life than using all the dating apps in the world together).
You can start doing what other people recommended such as having hobbies, working out, improving your social skills, etc. because besides attracting women it also improves drastically your life quality, but I don't think those are substitutes for doing some introspective work to understand what's stopping you from approaching women. Everything that you pointed out (money, status, social circle, city, etc.) sounds like excuses, no offense. I think you're sabotaging yourself in some type of way. Even if you'll end up accomplishing all of what you pointed out, I believe you'll still come up with some other excuses (e.g. "I have money but I attract only gold diggers!"). So I think that it's more a matter of self-perception or insecurity than of lacking something.
Anyway, I recommend you to read Models by Mark Manson. This book may help you x10 more than whatever you read around those comments.
Also, don't stress it too much, and don't take disparate decisions (prostitutes) because, with some work, your issue can be easily solved. You're 24 so you still have approximately 10-15 years of dating life ahead of you before deciding to settle down. Just be patient and put in some effort.
It's hard for me to understand the lack of self respect required to make these kind of posts.
There are two possibilities. Either it happens naturally or you make it happen. If you want it to happen naturally, you need to build up your social circle. As you go about your life, eventually there will be a girl in that group you click with and it'll take off. But first you need to find some social environment, be it at work, the gym, old friends from high school/college, etc. where you'll be around women and, more importantly, around company you enjoy.
The other option is to make it happen. This is where you find yourself in a bar or a gym or someplace similar and you'll see a woman that's attractive but not too intimidating. The only advice I have here is to just be bold and go for it. Tell yourself that you're probably never going to see her again so fuck it, what's the worst that could happen? Then walk up and say whatever your gut tells you in that moment. If the conversation goes well, great. If not, then brush yourself off and keep moving. Cliche, but there's no other way to put it.
They key no matter what you do is to stay happy and around company you enjoy. The happier you are and the more people you are around, the more social and charming you will be. It'll just be a matter of time then before you find one.
On god bruh we gon get you some pussy
Watch Charisma on Command OP. Confidence is key. Learn how to project the man you truly are.
Get HUGE and SHREDDED and MOVE AWAY from sf
Seek professional help.
Be honest with yourself - how good looking are you?
If you're making $300K at 24 you're in the driver's seat. I was a late bloomer myself due to height and an admitted lack of charm - but I got up to speed once I saw how easy the douchebags had it.
There are a few things you should do asap:
1) Get comfortable talking to women - I recommend strip clubs - the girls there will all pretend to like you and are generally good at initiating conversations. You need reps.
2) Broaden your network. It's OK to have girls friendzone you at this point - have them introduce you to other girls in their friendgroups. They'll probably be happy to hook you up if it means they don't have to worry about you crushing on them (no offense)
3) If you're an average guy, understand that your dating experience will be random, unpredictable, and a total numbers game. You at least have got more going for you than someone average - but unless you're a 6 foot Chad you'll have to hope for the best
4) Lower your standards - If you're honest with yourself and are just an average dude, then there's nothing wrong with knocking down average chicks. Lots of 4s and 5s out there with terrific bodies
5) Learn how to screen for girls who are DTF: I guarantee you there were a couple of girls into you you ignored simply because they weren't your type or you weren't checking. If a girl is responsive, enthusiastic in your presence, hangs around, ignores excuses to blow you off, etc. - try to close her. If she's barely giving you the time of day write her off quickly
6) Become a passport bro: This might seem exploitative, but it works because you both get something out of it. Some developing countries train their women to find a good gringo who'll take care of them - these women are very responsive and agreeable, but the expectation is that you WILL take care of her if she commits to you. Fortunately, the dollar is quite strong in these countries so it won't be a big expense, certainly not at $300K - getting her hair/nails done, a food allowance, and covering her cell phone will go a long way
7) Improve your weaknesses - if you have a spare tire lose the weight. Get a female friend to pick out your clothes. Get a haircut that fits your face. Lift. Be a little cocky - $300K at 24 means you're doing something right. You should be doing what you enjoy and gaining confidence from your wins
8) If all else fails, hire an escort. It sounds crazy, but the "girlfriend experience" will help make you comfortable around women and less pressed for sex. That comfort will turn into confidence
9) Learn how to make women more comfortable around you. They can detect desperation for sex and don't like it when dudes are needy or clingy and hate feeling pressured. Just be laidback and slightly mysterious. Don't be invested in any outcomes
10) Always pursue more than one woman at a time. You always want to diversify and avoid too much emotional attachment to one chick - if you got 5 girls in the rotation you can whittle down the list to the one who likes you most
Good luck and Godspeed!
Don't agree with the passport part, but great advice otherwise.
That one, more than anything, got me a steady supply of some of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen.
But the real point is to leverage the increased confidence and comfort in all your OTHER interactions. Once I knew I had regular access to cool chicks, dating ceased to be an issue.
Of course when you're my height, you will still struggle to close the ones you REALLY like assuming you don't adjust your standards, but I've learned not to love anything that doesn't love me back and to really appreciate the ones that do care. It's rewarding in its own right.
Improving weaknesses is spot on. Odds are, you have a blind spot somewhere. Clearly isnt financially, but likely somewhere else in life. Could be overweight, could be attitude, could be you literally have zero hobbies or close friends, etc.
With dating it's better to be above average across the board in all of those things, then top 1% in one area (such as that income at that age) but rock bottom in others (you can be a millionaire entrepenuer and still not get women if you have a creeper personaltiy and are uggo).
Take a hard look in the mirror or find a friend who is good with women to give you advice. Dont ask women or family. They will worry more about not hurting your feelings than actually providing actionable feedback
All these comments about how to get laid are fine and probably helpful. Dating can be tricky but it's pretty learnable, too. I think, more importantly, you should be thinking about what you want to be to a potential future partner.
You're eventually going to find yourself in a situation where you're dating someone that you like, with no fucking clue on how to behave in certain situations. Once that happens, more important and tricky questions come up: What are your non-negotiables for the relationship? Are you willing to prioritize the partner over your career? How will you handle conflict with your partner?
Lmao what? Man's hasnt even gotten his feet wet and you're discussing the intricacies of deep scuba diving
I'm making a few assumptions, but the dude checks a lot of the boxes and will eventually meet someone. I just think a lot of people in his situation get caught up in the BS 'pick-up artistry' of it all without realizing that you have to sustain attraction for an extended period of time. Being centered and knowing what you want out of a relationship and life is attractive, or at the very least, will not set off any glaring red flags on early dates with a chick.
Sign up as a woman on the dating apps. See your competition and try to learn from it.
Go for an escort. If you make 300k a year, you can get a good looking escort for 400-500 depending on your area. Tell them ur a virgin and have them train you. You wont get over the trauma of being a virgin at 24. You need an escort to practice first or else it wont go well when you try with civilian women
Lmao "civilian women"
Also consider PED's and jaw fillers those always help. Drop bf to 10-12 percent first you sre prolly overweight. Then inject trt or use sarms if you lean bulk. After, I would consider evaluating your facial features and consulitng with online forums to determine facial surgeries. Jaw angle implants+ genioplasty+ fillers should be enough for most but idk what you look like. You make good money this will be high roi for your dating life.
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