Yet Another Lovelorn Banker

Remember the story of the married banker who fell so hard for his analyst that he creeped her all the way to London and sent her enough texts to fill up War and Peace? Well, you should, cause it was yesterday. But if you missed it, fear not. There is always another too-desperate-by-half banker right around the corner.

Allow me to introduce you to Mike. He's a New York asset manager who went on a date with a young lady named Lauren. Mike obviously felt there was a deep connection; Lauren, well, not so much. When she wouldn't call him back, Mike did what any socially retarded banker would do - he Googled her deep (we're talking like Page 5 deep) to find her email address, and then sent her a 1,600+ word missive detailing her shortcomings and audaciously asking for another date.

He accused her of leading him on by saying provocative things like, "It was nice to meet you" at the end of the date. She teased him all night with the "highest per-minute eye contact" he'd ever had on a date. And get ready for this: she played with her hair. Yeah, that's right, played with her hair. She might as well have been naming their future kids, for chrissakes.

Mike then goes on to ask her for a list of reasons why she's blowing him off, in much the same way you might ask oh, say, an investment banking interviewer what you did wrong when an interview went south. Then he points out all the reasons they belong together, emphasizing their shared love of classical music. But he saves the best for last. Here's the coup de grace:

Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer.

An investment manager who works for his dad and a philosopher/writer? A true renaissance man.

Okay, I've probably had enough fun at this guy's expense, especially considering that he's probably a member of WSO. But guys, don't be this guy. Nothing turns women off faster than desperation in a guy (except perhaps visible mouth sores). Don't ever ask a woman for a post-mortem on a date. It can't ever work in your favor.

And for the love of all that is good and Holy, please stop treating everything in life like an Excel spreadsheet or an informational interview. It's just sad.