Always be “nice” in IB / PE - or show you don’t get pushed around?
Genuine question for people who’ve been around the block in IB / PE.
Do you think in finance you should always be friendly, positive, and build rapport - even when the other side clearly didn’t treat you well - or is there a place for subtly showing that you’re not someone who gets walked over?
Concrete example:
Let’s say you’re an Analyst at a bank. You grind for 2-3 years, but you don’t get the ASO conversion. Fine. You lateral to a PE fund. While at the bank, there’s an MD who basically ignored you the entire time - no mentorship, no interest, barely acknowledged your existence.
Fast forward a bit: now you’re in PE. Suddenly that same MD reaches out, wants to “catch up,” is very friendly, maybe even flattering.
In that situation:
Do you stay 100% professional, warm, and friendly, because you never know when this guy might bring you a deal or be useful later?
Or is it reasonable to give a very light signal that you remember the past dynamic - something subtle like “good to hear from you after a few quiet years” - not rude, but enough to show you’re not naïve?
I’m not talking about burning bridges or being emotional. More about signaling self-respect vs. pure relationship-maximization.
Calm your ego down. As well as the A.I. slop
I liked the MD I worked most closely with and would absolutely send them deals if I were ever in a position to do so. Even if I didn’t enjoy working with someone or didn't work with someone, I’d still stay friendly and courteous.
These conversations aren’t just for the banker’s benefit, they’re for yours too. You pick up market color you can bring back to your deal team, which makes you sound informed. At a minimum you learn how bankers are thinking, what assets might be coming up, and where things are clearing on price. I’d take the call as long as the MD is actually plugged into the market. If they’re not adding information or access, then no real point in the call. There’s a reason PE professionals keep taking these calls. Information compounds, and relationships are part of the job.
Quick take - this is business, you’re making it personal.
The longer you do this, the more you understand that this industry - and like it or not, some of the most effective people in it - work on a very functional basis. I say functional and not transactional because you need to imagine robots that each make perfectly rational decisions about interactions.
You’re an analyst at a sell side bank? He’s a private equity MD? His interests are furthered by doing promising deals. If your team can bring him promising deals, he will engage with you. If you can flag a reason something is promising, he will receive value. If you sit there as part of a team and he assumes you just prepare excels and presentations, there is no additional utility in engaging. I am exaggerating the point to bring it across.
You moved to a private equity firm? You’re now a principal - you might have something to sell him, or to buy from him. That’s additional utility, and he will treat it as such. Get promoted, and your likelihood of influence in your firm, and ability to provide him with utility increases. Get fired, and people in your own firm that looked up to you suddenly won’t return your calls, because your expected utility decreased.
You can take this all very personally and hold a grudge, or you can just realize that it’s business not personal, and everyone out there is ultimately promoting their own interests. Play the game.
No use burning a bridge or being passive aggressive. You don't need to be best friends with the guy but you never know when the tables might turn and he could be helpful to you at some point.
Forgive but don't forget. I had an MD who was a douche and made my life hell. I certainly don't plan on doing him any favors but business is business and if being cordial helps some dollars and cents add up in my favor that's great- I'm using him like he used me, if they don't then he can go kick rocks.
Their treatment of you is a reflection of their character and your ability to turn the other cheek is a reflection of yours. Don't let shitty people drag you down to their level- the most successful people I know in this industry are those with a genuine interest in working with other good people and this tit for tat approach is supported by game theory. (this was really eye-opening for me https://ncase.me/trust/)
That link was actually pretty insightful. You never really think about the miscommunication side of Game Theory.
Passive aggressive remarks like “good to hear from you after a few quiet years” in fact do not demonstrate that you are not to be walked over and instead make you come across as a strange person who depends on attention from people he works with. Like seriously an MD didn't give you enough attention and years after leaving banking you are still holding onto that? "no interest, barely acknowledged your existence" -- you make it sound like the MD is your absent father.
I also just don't understand the logic: don't walk over me, or else... years later you'll receive a passive aggressive comment... at which point you'll have already walked over me (aka, not given me, a grown adult, enough attention)... but bet you won't do that again.
You gain nothing from this. If you really can't stand a person, limit communication with them once you're done working with them but keep things cordial if you do communicate. Maybe you'll need a reference, maybe the IB MD is connected with seniors at your PE firm, etc. You're not in an FU money position as a junior in finance and there's no such thing as 'vaguely accusatory' money.
Be nice but you don't need to be helpful
There are some posts where you just know OP was a private school kid growing up
True but this feels more like a FOB chinese or Indian kid with a really high math SAT score but no social awareness.
how?
.
Big league him. Nothing remotely questionable in writing though. I don't forget either so I get it. What goes around comes around mf, despite these simps saying don't take it personally - yeah well this guy can not take it personally either when you're not kissing his ass and almost forget he even existed...
Grow up man and get a grip with yourself
It's strictly business, never personal. Treat EVERYONE with courtesy and respect.
if it's just "no mentorship, no interest, barely acknowledged your existence", then it's not an issue. he's an MD, you're an analyst, why would he be interested in you? he sees plenty of analysts come and go every year. in such case catching up with him only makes sense.
on the other hand, if there was an MD who treated you like garbage and threw you under the bus, and now he wants to catch up, then just ghost him.
I think a lot of juniors have this glamorized idea of how mentorship should go. That there is supposed to be some figure that you can latch onto in your group or firm and it will accelerate your growth. Which happens for a few, but not many.
From my experience, in the sink or swim environment high finance is a lot falls on individuals to grow and develop. You really have to learn from your experience and leverage opportunities when given them.
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