Finally got a GF! But now I might move away?

Hi, I'm a senior IBD Associate, I hate IBD and want a change, the only reason I haven't quit is because of the compensation. I also want a change of scenery for a while, I'm bored of New York. I definitely do want to come back here in the future i just wanted a break for 1-3 years.

I'm almost 30 and all my life, I previously never had a girlfriend, in fact I had never been with a girl before this. I was always awkward and terrible with girls - I get mini anxiety whenever I talked to girls and I'm pretty ugly tbh so girls never really come near me. However, for the first time in my life, I started talking to a girl around 6 months ago and it went amazingly to the point it was just natural with each other and we've now officially started dating and I'm super happy, although it's only been 6 months I can see myself marrying this girl in the future.

However, here comes the massive counter to my life.. I'm also in final rounds for an investment role at a PE fund in Dubai which would be amazing, I finally get to leave IBD for a role I'm interested in, get a huge pay rise, and I get away from NYC for a while and living by the beach! Super awesome.

I haven't told her yet but I briefly asked her questions where she wants to stay long term. She's also a banker in NYC and said she wants to move up the ladder and wants to remain in NYC.

I have no clue what to do.. I'm super in love with this girl, however 6 months is still too early for long distance and 100% will lead to a break up, I've never had a gf before and feel this is the girl I want to marry so who knows if we end I might end up being single forever. Plus, Dubai and NYC is not just long distance.. it's extreme long distance literally on the other side of the world.

Any advice?

Comments (41)

1y 
Barney_Stinson, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Get the offer first and then if you get it talk about it and decide where your priorities lie. Most ppl on here will probably say not to sacrifice your career for a girl you just started dating but only you know how well you truly know her and if its a risk you are willing to take.

Do you think she also feels the same way about you that you feel about her? What do you think she would do if she were in your position?

Most Helpful
1y 
chimpnotsimp, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Do not change your career for this girl. No way in hell. This is already a done deal, she wants to stay in NY and you wanna dip. Relationship over. This post is really about your lack of confidence in yourself.

Take a step back, you're probably about to move to DUBAI and manage people's money, while you make a ton of money. Yea, I think you'll be fine with the ladies. Trust me. Trust yourself. 

This was your first time with a girl, but my guess is this was far from her first time. And what that means is you two probably feel different things. 
 

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  • Analyst 1 in CorpDev
1y 

I can see the prospect adding this bullet to his resume right now, "successfully advised senior banker on how to approach and value long-term relationship with girlfriend and first love vs. career growth maximization strategy in Dubai."

This is a classic case of college junior overconfidence, where you feel as though you are in a position to address the question. The reality is you are so far from the appropriate responder you lack even the slightest notion of this. I would recommend referring to mrharveyspecter's legitimate response below. 

1y 
chimpnotsimp, what's your opinion? Comment below:

It's only been 6 months 🤣 I don't need a full time job and an MBA to figure this one out. Thanks for the input tho, you're a very prestigious A1 I'm sure. 

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
1y 

Most people on this forum are a decade younger than you. No one on here can help you better than you can help yourself. I agree with Barney_Stinson. Try to judge for yourself where your priorities lie and if staying with her and losing out on Dubai is a risk you're willing to take.

That being said, I (a college student) will still give you my take. I would advise you to not get too attached to any woman this early. What if you get the Dubai offer, reject it to stay with this girl, and then she leaves you one day? Now you missed out on a great career move for nothing. I would go to Dubai, try long distance, and get back with her when you return. Communicate this with her. If she loves you as much as you love her, then this should work. And if it doesn't work out, don't sweat it. There's plenty of fish in the sea. Have the confidence to know you can easily get another woman.

1y 
Devils Advocate, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You've been dating for 6 months so you're still in the honeymoon stage coupled with the fact that this is your first relationship. I highly discourage you from making career decisions based on this woman - particularly when it's not clear she reciprocates equally as strong feelings

1y 
2rigged2fail, what's your opinion? Comment below:

don't sacrifice your career for a girl, if she finds out you did that, it will disgust her on a subconscious level. this isn't a romcom where the dude chases the girl 5000km across the world and she falls for him saying "oh my god you dropped it all for me baby ! wowzer give me a big smooch". 
btw are you American? you still need to pay US tax over there right? that is quite unfortunate because it is tax free otherwise. 

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1y 
iercurenc, what's your opinion? Comment below:

this isn't a romcom where the dude chases the girl 5000km across the world and she falls for him

Lmao exactly. The ending of Good Will Hunting disturbed me a bit for this reason.

1y 
tierlistgoat69, what's your opinion? Comment below:

The fuck? Dubai is a massive downgrade from a civilized country like Britannia, her former thirteen colonies or even her former tundra colony. How are you getting a "massive pay upgrade" by switching from the capital of Britannia's most successful colony to some random desert full of camel jockeys and Ottomans? Please explain.

  • Teller in Non-profit
1y 

Dude, why is this even a debate? You know what's legal in Dubai right? Polygamy? 

Funniest
1y 
Teller in Branch - Personal Loans, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Help me reconcile: 1) I'm almost 30 and have never been with a girl; 2) I've been seeing this girl for 6 months; and 3) I love this girl and I want to marry her. So if I read correctly, 1) virgin, 2) ok but still virgin, 3) really, really want to get laid everyday for the rest of my life, but fuck… PE in Dubai.

VP
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1y 
mrharveyspecter, what's your opinion? Comment below:

~5 years ago, I would have sided with the majority of the posters in the "don't put the girl ahead of your career" camp. As I've gotten older, I've realized that it may not be as clear cut of a decision.

This isn't always the case, but I think for many people, at some point life becomes more than just work. You start to think about what type of life you want, who you want to spend it with, where you want to spend it, etc. You've clearly worked hard, been successful, made some money, etc and while finding a girlfriend hasn't been a priority, it sounds like you've found someone that you're happy with. 6 months isn't a long amount of time, but it's also not insignificant. It's likely that at some point in life (and this point could be now), you will be presented with an option that takes you down one of a couple of paths. Some choices align you more on the career oriented track, others might be for personal or relationship reasons and although this forum likely won't give you this opinion that often, it's ok to not always optimize for career if you don't think it's the right decision. 

Think about the folks that have aging parents they need to move for, or have kids and can't be pushing as aggressively at work. Moving to Dubai would be amazing and an easy decision if you were single and 25. If you're in a steady relationship, one that you think could end up in marriage, taking a short few year stint in Dubai might not be the best option. 

With all the said, I'd keep a couple of things in mind. You don't have the job yet, so I wouldn't make a huge deal of it until you get certainty that you have the job and it's a good enough offer that it's something you'd really consider. Second, the only thing I worry a little about in your relationship is that it's the only relationship you've had. Personally and anecdotally, I think it's helpful to have a few relationships to figure out what type of partner you need. That would give me some pause when thinking about prioritizing your relationship over your career. Lastly, be open and honest, and see how she takes the news. You ultimately want to end up with someone who is both supportive of your and your career and can also balance logic and emotion. Maybe she would open up to the idea of moving overseas, maybe this new job will expand your horizons and make you think more about similar jobs you could find in NYC. All of these things are good problems to have. You just need to figure out if these decisions are something you are ready to work through with someone else and need to take into account two sets of needs, or if you'd rather stay single for another few years and roll the dice on finding another relationship in the future. 

  • Analyst 1 in PE - Other
1y 

congrats, man. the advice people have already given is really top quality. for what it's worth, my gf used to travel to Dubai a lot and she says it's not all it's cracked up to be, and that it's easy to get bored there given its relative lack of 'culture'. that said, the comp packages at some of the PE shops and SWFs are one of a kind. maybe consider whether or not the move makes sense for you as an individual (from both life & career progression perspectives) + you as an individual in a committed relationship. also, I've heard it can be tough to re-position yourself for PE in the States after working in the UAE but couldn't tell you how true this is. 

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  • Associate 3 in IB-M&A
1y 

Stay with the girl, if you're sick of NYC get a job out of NYC but still close enough to make a relationship work. Think Greenwich, Philly, Boston - those are all doable "long distance" especially if you're clear it's for one or two years. Also, expat life in Dubai is not all it's cracked up to be. The culture/social order is very different there, not much to do, and you will probably struggle to make a new friend group if you self-identify as awkward and anxious.

I get the being tired of NYC thing, but if you have a great girl and don't feel like your chances of finding another are great, you have to take that into consideration.

1y 
Patrick Basedman, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You're 30 bro, at some point you have to stop sacrificing your life for work

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  • Intern in AM - Other
1y 

Man likes sand

1y 
resistance23, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Dating is a scam and our ancestors had the right idea when they'd get married first and date the girl afterwards. There'd be no doubt about the future because you'd already be married, and you'd go to Dubai and she'd be coming with you. The funny thing is, guys used to get married to girls they hardly knew or never met, and still the relationships were stronger and the divorce rate was lower than it is today. Really goes to show how pointless dating is. If you love her, just get married

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
1y 

Though chimpnotsimp has the most upvotes, I advise you to look at the comments from older verified users (mrharveyspecter, takenotes08, etc.) You only want to go to Dubai for three years, whereas this girl might become a partner for life. You have a lot of things to consider man. Good luck.

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1y 
ConfusedGuru, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You give me hope dude, I'm not even joking. I'm nearly 23 and have never had a girlfriend, been on a date, kissed a girl, etc. Nothing. It makes me feel bad about myself but your post was exactly what I needed so thank you, and congrats! Hope it goes well with you guys

1y 
IBBarelyAlive, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Don't change your career for a relationship. That being said, you can make it work if you're both committed to making it work. 

My now husband and I went long distance after 7 months of dating. He was in Colorado and work brought me to Mississippi. We've been together for 7 years, married for 5 and have worked through overseas long distance twice: Qatar - Colorado; Saudi-Arabia - Colorado. I'm not saying it's easy, but it can work if it's the right person. 

1y 
nontarget_Bb_ibanker, what's your opinion? Comment below:

you guys should have just divorced, sounds like shit. 

Array
1y 
IBBarelyAlive, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Yeah, that's the military for you. 

  • Teller in Non-profit
1y 

PE offer in Dubai or finally getting a gf before 30? Which one would you choose?

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  • Intern in AM - Other
1y 

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1y 
petar1407, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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