I hate PE and I feel trapped
I’m sure this sentiment’s been shared time and time again but nonetheless want to vent and get the wisdom of folks who were in a similar situation.
Was a non-traditional hire (did MBB consulting in NYC) and got hired into a MM PE in SF. Was obsessed over getting into PE for so long, fell into the typical “this was all I ever wanted” mindset and left nyc despite a solid and built out social life for career.
Fast forward almost 5 months on the job: hours have been worse, haven’t had any time to make any friends, absolutely hate San Francisco and falling into a pit of depression and isolation.
Firm is ok culture wise - friendly among associates but lacks the camaraderie I was used to. The adjustment has been rough, and I don’t genuinely find what I’m doing to be interesting.
Always thought I’d do this for two years than do b-school, but b-school is feeling less and less important and I’m just wondering how to get through waiting it out 2 years to make a move back to NYC. It’s so tough being in a city where your hours are the outlier. It was so different in NYC when it was normal to be leaving the office at midnight and things would be open/people could still hang out.
Anyone ever been in a situation where they heavily regretted making a move like this? For those that went from New York to San Francisco, how did you adjust and make peace with it?
I had a pretty similar experience - what I will encourage you to do is to remember to contextualize your experience: it’s just a job and it’s for at most two years. This isn’t forever and you will have plenty of very very different opportunities whenever you decide to leave, whether that’s now or in two years, given your pedigree.
That said, I would encourage you to try and do two things:
1) Befriend the other associates - they may be a little less warm but believe me all of them are likely feeling something similar and they’re all probably intellectually pretty similar to you.
2) Try and have a good attitude - I don’t mean to be a boomer but what I will say is that your perception becomes your reality. I had a god awful attitude, for a lot of the same reasons you mentioned, and consequently every single thing pissed me off and I was totally miserable. It became blatantly obvious that I wasn’t happy and I was so negative all the time that it made some of the feelings of loneliness worse because no one wanted to talk to me or spend time with me because I was so depressing to talk to.
Both 1 and 2 are easier said than done.
For #1, I would make your own plans and make a point to always invite your coworkers to come. It could be going to a museum or going for a hike or trying a new restaurant or bar. Invite people to get coffee or breakfast and ask them about non work things (where they’re from, what they studied, books they’ve read, shows they’re watching, etc). All you really need is one social interaction outside of work to really bring the barriers down.
For #2 - literally just force yourself to lean into the culture of the firm. Plan a happy hour or even a charity event. It probably sounds like kissing ass and uncomfortable and inauthentic, but it will slowly change your perception of things - fake it till you make it after all. Ask a partner or a VP out for coffee and ask them questions about businesses and investing. When there is a new deal, try and force yourself to make some time to think about the intellectually stimulating parts of the job (the qualitative if you hate numbers - what is the industry, how do they make money, why do people buy their offering?) and schedule 15 minutes to talk about those parts with your VP. Even if it’s not relevant to your work streams and you’re drowning in work, it’ll help you to at least feel like you’re doing something a little more interesting. If you’re stuck here for the time being, you might as well try and learn something that you can take away to another job and that can help shape your perceptions of business or the world.
The worst things you can do now is get existential, isolate yourself, and start to spiral. You need to remember it’s just a job that you signed up for to learn something - this is not your identity and life can and will be very different whenever you decide you want to leave.
Best of luck - it isn’t easy.
Appreciate this very much. Very solid advice!
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