New Mostly Remote Job: Move to Boston or Stay in NYC with girlfriend
Hey everyone - I’m starting a new VC job this summer in Boston. Team is 1 day a week in office and has told me that they plan to stay that way until further notice. I was working in banking in NYC and am currently living with my girlfriend who has potential to get engaged and is a great person but not ready to pull the trigger on that. She’s like only 70% of a perfect fit though. Phenomenal personality, beautiful girl, and literally a genius. But she demands a lot of time which could possibly be an obstacle for reaching my full career potentially as I am a crazy workaholic. Think it made me mid bucket vs. the tip bucket I know I could have been. Maybe I’m the issue, maybe it’s a “fit” issue for expected lifestyle — but mostly likely I’ll have much more time at my new job that’s no longer banking hours.
Do I stay in NYC with her and commute via bus ride 1 day per week or move locations to Boston? She would stay at her job in NYC for 1 year.
Firm does happy hours maybe once per month, if that, and there’s no pressure to come in more than 1 day per week.
But I don’t want to miss out on informal networking by “bumping into someone important.” Ideally, I would like to switch industry teams and network with that team.
But not sure if it’s pointless to completely move or not if I don’t necessarily have to.
Not sure if I’m properly analyzing this as my career growth vs. my girlfriend given the nuances. But if I’m being honest, if I wasn’t with her, I would definitely move to Boston.
Advice?
Yea so I'd say what's tricky in your situation is there's no timeline for you guys to be living in the same place. If you had an expiry of two years, then I would recommend doing it if you think you'll get engaged. But if it's indefinite you need to have a sit down with her and gameplan your decision tree because indefinitely commuting to Boston is an unstable outcome not just w/r/t your current 1 day/week situation but future living arrangements.
Very helpful. The time she required of me enticed me to work remote more instead of me building stronger relationships that I think caused me to be upper mid bucket vs the top bucket I know I could have been by kissing ass in office.
Good reason to say screw it and move to Boston, or I am being too speculative and kind of immaturely salty? Admit there’s some resentment built up from that.
Stay in NYC with her and feel it out. Banking is already in the past. VC will have better hours.
And no guarantee that you could even switch teams so why move all the way to Boston if it’s not necessary?
What is certain is that you have her so keep enjoying it. Society is trending towards less unnecessary bullshit you have to do at a job anyway.
And relationships matter a fuck ton more than kissing your MDs ass who maybe didn’t like you for personal reasons. Also, possible that you couldn’t have actually been top bucket instead of middle bucket due to developing skills / experience…
Focus on what is real. And what is meaningful. That will bring you much more joy.
Honestly just commute one day per week. I know a lot of people that do it and you have it better than most with only 1 day. Some coworkers of mine stay in hotels for a 4 day in office work week.
Don’t move to Boston regardless. If you don’t have ties to it, I’d stay in NY and commute in
Why do you say this?
Incredibly expensive to live there, and the women are the ugliest in America by far. Small city that you’ll also get bored of very quickly if you’re coming from NYC.
I’d stay in NYC. Lots of people travel 1 day a week (at minimum), and it will be tougher (albeit still possible) for your relationship to move forward if you two are long distance.
Key exception would be if you know you want to be in Boston and are willing to risk the relationship to do so - if that’s the case, go ahead and pull the trigger
Small point, but don’t take the bus every week - you’ll be miserable. You can get a great deal on Amtrak if you buy a multipass and do it well ahead of your travel dates. It’ll be way more comfortable and you can get work done on the way
Second this -- bus absolutely blows, Amtrak is much faster and more efficient. Buy tickets in advance to get them cheaper and leverage passes/sales/Amtrak rewards points.
Is the VC job a partner-track position or are you expected to go to b-school after a couple years?
If it's the former, you should seriously consider moving to Boston. Don't worry about the girlfriend. If it was meant to be, the relationship will survive. If the relationship doesn't survive, it wasn't meant to be. Don't overthink it.
Now, if it's the latter (a fixed-term gig in which you are expected to go get an MBA), and you really care about this girl, I think it's okay to commute once a day to Boston. I would personally fly if I were you. If you use one of the budget airlines, you can probably do it for $300-$400 roundtrip.
Or just the Acela. It’s $200 and you can work the entire time.
I haven't been in this position myself admittedly, but I work in Baltimore, a city where people are very hesitant to move. At my company, a pretty decent number of people work at the Baltimore office, but live outside of the city. These people either commute from NY, NJ, DC, VA, CT, etc. and come to the office 2-3 days / week, while others have worked out some arrangement to be totally virtual.
I'll actually say that the 1 day / week arrangement (especially if its a company that does not emphasize in person culture) may actually allow you to live in NY for a while. At the same time, if you choose this approach, you can't let living in NY be a hinderance to your job.
At my company, there are clearly people who fall behind due to this location-based issue and it will become a topic of your performance around important people in the company if you allow it to. As previously mentioned by Deo et Patriae if you're in a partner-track position, this probably isn't a risk you want to take.
You should end things with her - it's disrespectful wasting her time. No one wants to be 70% right for their partner. Did you pick your VC offer because it was 70% right for you?
^this. A thousand times this.
You don't feel 100% confident this is the girl for you because you're under-experienced. You've dated a little, maybe even a lot, but you've not spent enough time syncing with many girls until you find the right one. Consequently you have a girl with great attributes, but she strikes you as only 70% of what you are looking for. Now if you had dated a lot of girls and came to the conclusion that her favorable attributes made her marryable, then you'd have a lot more confidence. But instead you're only 70% of the way there.
You're spending your prime dating years living with just one chick. Well guess what? That means you're not dating around. You have closed off every other option to invest 100% of your time on one girl - one that's only 70% of what you need - without exploring sufficiently. You've got one-itis and it shows.
Meanwhile you've got a shot at a career in Boston with a VC. Maybe this new job will work out - and maybe it won't. You owe it to them and yourself to REALLY give it a shot. That means investing real time with them.
This separate location could be a blessing in disguise. You can rent out a cheap room in Boston, move some of your stuff up there, and dedicate real time to this new job. You don't have to move out of your shared flat in NYC - yet. Split your time between these two cities. And you can use your time in Boston to go on coffee chats with new girls. I'm not saying cheat. But go meet some girls for coffee. Through this process you will know yourself better, and have more experience through which to assess your GF's long term fit with you. If your current relationship is meant to be, it will be, and you can move forward with engagement, etc. But if it's not meant to be, then you can just move your stuff up to Boston with a clean break.
Sounds like you don't have much experience with women low key lol. They literally all want a lot of attention, your gf is not unique in that way at all.
As long as you put your foot down with her when you need to focus on work, and maximize the fun she has during the time you two are together, she'll fall in line and accept that you won't always be available.
Agree with this. Weird to be sad about being mid vs top bucket "because of her" ... all signficant others take time out of your day and dating even the most understanding and perfect angel would still be a challenge in IB. Sounds like your girlfriend is a catch and you are making her the problem.
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