Please help! - burnt out and depressed despite having my dream job and not sure how to fix it
I'm sorry in advance for the rant but I have no one I can talk to about any of this who would understand and the PE Associate Jumps to Death / Discussion on Mental Health thread really struck a nerve for me.
tl;dr I have completely failed in developing a sense of meaning outside my work life, my personal life is frankly shit, and said work life is steadily burning me up from both ends. I have no idea how to fix this because this job is what I have wanted and worked towards for years and now that I have it all the other developments of the past 2 years are taking a toll on my mental health.
A feeling of hopelessness and dread has been steadily creeping into my day-to-day for months now and I have no clue what to do to fix it. This was a dream job for me because I come from an unimpressive background (blue collar, non-target, lackluster GPA, no banking/consulting experience) and wanted to work for this type of sector-focused fund since college. I was unbelievably blessed to break into a MM fund with a top MF/MM pedigree investing with a flexible mandate, low investment team headcount (<10 people), and great LPs (top PE and F500 founders/leadership and several large family offices). The job is fascinating, the people I get exposed to are amazing, and I am learning a ton. The problem is, while I love my work, I fucking hate my life.
- I am pretty sure the behavioral complex I have developed around work is unhealthy because it is almost all I think about these days and makes me feel borderline bipolar at times. If I mess up on something it can haunt my sleep for days but when I get "good job" I will feel over the moon for a short period then go right back to stressing about making sure everything else is as close to perfect as possible. I like to think this type of work obsession was helpful because it made me a top performer in the past which helped me get this job, but now it just makes me feel burnt out.
- I have no friends that live near me nor the time to go out and make new ones since I'm working 80-100 hour weeks with weekend work regularly. I have no hobbies unless you count watching tv, cooking for myself, and drinking. It feels impossible to try and start one since my team is fully remote and they are based in different time zones (which makes it hard to bond with the only coworker I have who's close in age), so I will be getting work assignments/asks late into the evening and in some cases the middle of the night making me feel chained to my home office.
- I have not been able to seriously date after breaking off a 4+ year relationship to move and pursue the job prior to this one. I gave up on dating apps because the only matches I ever seem to get near me are either women pushing their OF or literal prostitutes who go right for Venmo/Cashapp which is obviously a scam. It feels awkward being the only single/unmarried person at my firm. To make things worse, I have developed a pornography addiction and gained ~50lbs (5'10 pushing 230) since the start of the pandemic .
- The pandemic heavily strained what relationships I had with most of my family (they think I'm basically Hitler because I do not 100% agree with their ideological stances and try to have a normal relationship w/o discussing politics). It has become even more pronounced this holiday season because I refuse to get the vaccine (heart problems run in the family) since my little brother and a friend's little brother (both a few years my junior) got it and have been getting sick constantly ever since. My friend's brother was an athlete who can now barely go for a half hour run without sounding like he just tried to sprint a marathon carrying a another person on his back (my friend told me privately he thinks it is myocarditis but his brother has not gotten tested yet) and my brother has been missing a ton of school. This has me terrified for my brother especially because he is severely special needs and the parent who has custody does not seem remotely concerned about his deterioration over the past ~6 months because of course the vaccines are 100% safe and effective and since I am unvaccinated I cannot visit. To make matters worse on this subject I am the only unvaccinated person at my firm and while it has not come up in any discussions, I am privately terrified that it may be made a requirement and I would have to choose between it or my job.
I do not know what the hell to do with myself. I feel alone and scared that since work has been the only constant in my life for years now that if something destabilized that I am pretty sure I would spin out and crash into a wall like a NASCAR driver.
What steps can I take to pull myself out of this unhealthy cycle?
I have been where you've been and a lot of this really resonated with me. I'd say a few things. First, you need to recognize that you need to get out of this job. It is going to be tough to acknowledge that because it's your "dream job" but you have to realize that your dream was false, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging something is not for you. In fact, it would be stupid not to realize that, and it is absolutely not a comment on your talent, intelligence, or work ethic. Most people would agree that Elon Musk is immensely hard working, intelligent, and talented; however, do you think if you dropped him into Apollo PE at age 28 he would have thrived? No, he would have quickly realized it was not a fit for him and moved on with his life (despite of course having the intelligence and work ethic to have succeeded if he so chose). It is possible that there is a way to fix this in your current job, but I can tell by your description of your background that you are afraid to "give up" any prestige points by moving out of private equity; this is a trap you're falling into that you need to realize is rooted in caring what others think about you. I could go on but I'd start there.
Hey man, thanks for posting your honest thoughts here. A lot, a lot, and a lot more people feel very similarly about their lives, and it’s extremely unfortunate. I’ve been there too and it’s hard…the problem is that the grass is always greener on the other side and it’s hard to get your priorities straight when you’re so stressed. Take some time to figure out how you can make yourself feel better while still performing well in your job (assuming you want to continue at your job, which is very reasonable given how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are and how rewarding it’ll be down the road). Make time to hit the gym. Make time! Figure out a diet that works both in and out of the office for a healthier lifestyle. Cut back on the drinking unless it’s with friends or a date. Get back on the dating apps. I’ve been lots dating app dates and it’s always great to meet new people, especially outside our little prestige worshipping circle, and have random stupid conversations about Netflix, politics, gossip and music. Just get out there. Force yourself to. Being in better shape will boost confidence. It’s a snowball effect. Lastly, talk to your friends. Talk to them about LIFE, their relationships, their families, their vacation plans, etc. There’s so much more to life than just our stupid private Equity jobs and our bank accounts. Take a walk outside by an ocean, lake or park with your favorite music on wearing your AirPod pros with noice cancellation and smile at the squirrels, the man cutting the grass, the lady running with funny neon glasses. Take it all in and you’ll remember LIFE IS GOOD.